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Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Brenda Romanchik/Birthmother-Crisis Pregnancy Expert

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Brenda Romanchik is the birthmother of a twelve year old in an open adoption. She is also a partner in R-Squared Press, a primary publisher of open adoption resources. She is the editor of the newsletter Open Adoption Birthparent and the author of "A Birthmother's Book of Memories" as well. Brenda lives in Royal Oak, MI with her husband, and two children.

Emotional Difficulty Following Adoption
Hello. I am the birthmother of a little boy, born October 31, 1997. The baby's birthfather and I are still together, so that has no bearing on my questions. The birthfather's Dad has recently remarried, and his new wife does not approve of our decision to have the child placed with adoptive parents. We are only 22 years old, and have a difficult enough time supporting ourselves. We know we made the right decision. That's not the problem. The problem is with me. For some reason, I am having a harder time reconciling myself to the reality that I will not be raising my son. We chose wonderful parents for him, we have a semi-open adoption, but I'm beginning to have serious regrets about doing it. I'm still crying every time I hear the name we gave him, or look at his pictures. Is this normal after an adoption takes place? I'm beginning to feel very depressed, and I think it's a little late for post-partum depression to be setting in. I don't know what to do. I only upset my boyfriend when I try to discuss this with him. He feels helpless because he doesn't have the answers to give me. We're both hurting alot. Will it ever go away? Or will it at least become easier to deal with? We do want children someday, but I don't want to feel like I've wronged my son. He is my first baby. Am I worrying needlessly?

Response from Brenda:
Dear Amy,
What you are experiencing is called grief. You have "lost your child to adoption", and it is a huge loss. Your feelings are all a part of the grieving process. Go to the grieving section of the bookstore and get "When someone you love dies" by Therese Rando. It is a very good book that explains the grieving process. Losing a child to adoption is like a death. You are mourning the child that will never be because you are not raising him. Adoptees also feel this loss. They mourn the person they would have become had they been raised in the adoptive family.

Grieving is a difficult process. You may find that talking to someone will help. Make sure it is a counselor that recognizes losing a child to adoption as a significant loss. Please fee free to contact me if you need anything else. There is also an online birthparent support group. For info contact Lesley at bblist@febmoms.omnicell-hdq.com

--
Regards, Brenda Romanchik, Editor/Publisher
R - S q a r e d P r e s s 721 Hawthorne Ave.
"Resources for Open Adoption!" Royal Oak, MI 48067-3621 USA
Phone/Fax: 248-543-0997
http://www.izzy.net/~danr/rsquared.html

Grief
A little over a year ago I said goodbye to 2 little girls that I had raised since birth until they were 2 1/2 years old and 4 1/2 years old. They have been adopted, along with a baby I had 10 months ago, by the same family. I am having a huge problem with depression because I miss the kids so much. The depression has gotten so bad that I can hardly think or talk about anything else but the adoption and my babies. I have tried counseling but they never seem to be able to suggest anything that has helped. The adoption has been fairly open so I get to communicate with the family but I can't see them and that is what hurts the most. I was wondering if you had any suggestions or sources you could refer me to so that I can try to get out of this slump. Thanks.

Response from Brenda:
First of all you need to get a counselor that has specifically dealt with bereavement. You are grieving. Losing three children to adoption is a HUGE loss. I do not believe that we get over losses of this magnitude, but I do believe that we can learn to live with them.

I also think your grief counselor should have you checked for a chemical imbalance. While I am not a "Prozac for everything" kind of person, I have known a lot of people that really need them.

Another thing that would be helpful is to get into a support group. It is incredible what being around others that have also been through what you have can do for you. There is a birthmother mailing list for those in semi-open and open adoptions. If you need any referals contact me at brenr@oeonline.com

Regards, Brenda Romanchik, Editor/Publisher
R - S q a r e d P r e s s 721 Hawthorne Ave.
"Resources for Open Adoption!" Royal Oak, MI 48067-3621 USA
Phone/Fax: 248-543-0997
http://www.izzy.net/~danr/rsquared.html

Question For Brenda
I am the birthmother of a son born almost 2 years ago. I placed him with a family that I chose in an open adoption. The agreement that was made was that I would be sent letters and pictures of him through the years and that he would be raised knowing that he was adopted and that there was a birth family waiting for him if he so desired to meet us. The adoptive parents have now sent me a letter stating that they wish to have no further contact with me and that they would tell him the truth when they felt he was mature enough to handle it but until that time he would be raised with "half truths". This was not the agreement we had made but since all legal papers have been signed and our contact agreement was not part of the legal paperwork I am wondering what I can do. Am I supposed to just wait for the next 16 years and hope that they will someday tell him the truth or do I just assume that there will probably be no more contact. I have written a letter full of venom and hate to them but know that this is not the way to handle the problem(no I have not sent it!). He has 2 half brothers, 1 half sister on this side who know of him and were there during the pregnancy, and he has a full blood sister who is 15 months younger. I was just hoping someone could help give me some advice as this whole adoption has been nothing short of horrible. I thank you for your time...

Response from Brenda:
Have you tried mediation through the agency you placed with? It sounds as if they need a crash course in adoptive parenting. Any adoption professional will tell you that "half-truths" (another word for secrets and lies) are destructive to any relationship. Unfortunately, legally, you have no recourse. What you can do is take a few steps so that your son will know you did all that could possibly be done.

1. Try mediation. Keep ALL letters...including the ones that the mediator and you send to the adoptive parents, as well as the letters they send you.

2. If mediation does not work, continue to write to the adoptive parents at least once a year, offering your involvement. Your son will need to know you never gave up on him.

3. Answering with venom will not solve anything as I am sure you know. When you write to them, tell them you do not think it is in the child's best interests to be raised with half-truths and that sooner or later he will know the truth. Try to show them a future where your son will feel betrayed by them for cutting you off and out of his life. Truthfully I think their fear and insecurity must be incredible if they cannot see that this is only a "temporary" solution. They are not looking into the future.

If the agency is not willing to mediate or you went through a lawyer, give me a call and I will try to find a mediator in your area.

Question For Brenda
I and the birthmother placed our daughter in what we thought was an open adoption. Now it has been going on 3 years since the adoption, and the cards and pictures from the adopted parents have slowed, and we did not get a reply from our last letter. How do I communicate my fears that the adopted parents are slowing trying to shut me out? Is it that they are just trying to adjust and feel uncomfortable with our questions? We only sent a letter every couple of months or so through the agency. Are my fears normal?

Response from Brenda:
It is hard to know what is going on in the minds of you child's adoptive parents, but there could be a number of reasons for the slowing down of corrispondance. The most likely reason is that things are just getting more hectic in their lives. It is easy for people to put off things like writing letters, etc. Parents often take less pictures as the child gets older as well.

A more serious reason is that they are losing interest in working on the relationship. There could be a number of reasons for this. In semi-open situations especially, it is easy for adoptive parents to forget that contact with the birthfamily will ultimately benefit the child. They may also have little or no support for ongoing corrispondance. Family and friends who don't understand often tell adoptive parents that "they owe the birthfamily nothing" or that contined corrispondance will make it difficult for the birthfamily "to get on with their lives". Often, if they have no support at all, they will come to believe these things themselves.

The best thing you ca do is be honest. Tell the adoptive parents how much their updates and pictures mean to you. Tell them you want to maintain these connections because you feel it is important to your child that they know you have always loved them. That keeping in touch will assure the child that they were not abandoned or unwanted.

I would also try to get the agency involved if they do not respond to this letter after a few months.

If they still do not respond, I would keep on writing. I would also make copies of the letters and keep them on file so that when the child gets older, and you decide to make contact, you can show them that you always cared.

-- Regards, Brenda Romanchik, Editor/Publisher

Question For Brenda
Hello, Im 6 weeks preg. And have ruled out abortion. Im considering allowing someone to adopt my baby. Im just not sure at the moment that this is what I want to do. Why aren't I sure? One of the reason is im unaware of how the whole things works. So, Please send me some information about how this program works.

Response from Brenda:
I suggest you read "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan-Roszia. Also read "The Spirit of Open Adoption by James Gritter. Both books are excellent and describe how healthy open adoptions can benefit adopted kids, birthparents and adopted parents. Also check out the web page of The American Association of Open Adoption Agencies at http://www.openadoption.org/~bbetzen
(Editor's note: We recommend you first consult a counselor who can help you consider whether or not you will be able to parent your child. You can also see Questions to Consider Prior to Making an Adoption Plan

Also interview agencies and/or attorneys near your home which you can see at http://www.adopt-usa.com/agency.html. or at http://www.adopting.org/ar.html.)

Also feel free to call me if you need to find an agency in your area to work with.
Regards, Brenda Romanchik, Editor/Publisher

Question For Brenda
I and the birthmother placed our daughter in an "open" adoption three years ago this december. I have not communicated regularly with the adoptive parents, but still feel very confortable with them. My question is: does the pain and feelings of failure for not being able to keep and support my child ever go away? How do I come to terms with what I consider "grief" on my part whenever I look at a photo of my daughter?

Response from Brenda:
Resolving grief is a long and difficult process, especially in an open adoption situation. While the loss will always be with us, with time, the pain does ease. What I have found is that once we are able to establish a relationship with our child that is all our own, resolution does come. It is important that you be the "best" birthfather you can be. Send letters and pictures of yourself, give her the knowledge of you. If you are able to visit, do it!

The feelings of failure you have are not necissarily grief related. I think that they are more related to shame. Shame is an issue that is not really talked about in adoption, but for birthparents it is a more difficult issue to resolve than grief. Shame is more than the normal guilt one feels with a loss. Guilt says, "I have done a bad thing." Shame says, "I am a bad person." It can effect the way you deal with your open adoption relationships and relationships in general. Feelings of unworthiness...to be involved with your child, to have other children, even to be loved for who you are, are all signs of shame. You may find yourself being judged unfairly by family and friends. You need to know and truly believe that you are a good person who did the best with what you had at the time.

Here are a number of written resources avaliable to you to help you through.

"Saying Good-bye to Baby Vol.1" by Patricia Roles

"The Spirit of Open Adoption" by Jim Gritter (There is a great section on shame.)

I have also written two issues of Open Adoption Birthparent on Grief in adoption.

I hope this helps.
Regards, Brenda Romanchik, Editor/Publisher
R - S q a r e d P r e s s 721 Hawthorne Ave.
"Resources for Open Adoption!" Royal Oak, MI 48067-3621 USA
Phone/Fax: 248-543-0997
R - S q a r e d P r e s s

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