Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Graham Wright

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Pre-Adoptive and Adoptive Parent Issues(Continued)

Question:
My question involves our 9 year son whom we adopted at birth. Several times in the past months he has said things like" I don't have to obey you-your not my real mother'- we have always been open with him and answered his questions and listened to any feelings he has about adoption. How should I as his mother answer him when he says this ? It never seems to be directed toward his dad--your not my real dad---but toward me as his mom.Any help would be appreciated.

Response from Graham:
As you probably already knew, or sensed, it's the mother who bears the brunt of the identity issues that are ever present in adoption. Fathers tend to be more of a focus during the mid to later teen years. It sounds as if your son's challenging of your rules is fairly recent, and that you have done your best to be open to his feelings about being adopted. It's possible that he is now old enough, emotionally, to express those feelings to you. He may not have found a comfortable way to do so. Please visit the Adoption Consultant website at
http://members.aol.com/ask4adopt
When there, go to the "Lifelong Issues" page - I hope some of those thoughts will help.

Two suggestions; respond to "You're not my real mother" with something like,"It's true - I am not your birth mother. I did not give birth to you. I can share that with you by talking with you about her, but I cannot be her. However, I AM your parent. I have been for your entire life. I'm here for you when you're happy, I'm here for you when you're sad, and I'm here for you when you're mad. You need to do as I ask, and we will talk about your birthmom.

Also, your husband can be especially helpful by being involved in discussion of the birth family. Father-son talks on the issue are good too. Dad will have to do much of the talking though.
I hope this is of some help. Enjoy the website.

Adoption Consultants.

Question:
My family is in the process of an Open, Identified Adoption, and I'm not sure how to best handle our son's mixed emotions. My husband and I and our 6yr old biological son will be hosting our prospective birth family next month for a one week stay at our home. We are not located very close to one another and feel that this was the best way to spend some quality time getting to know each other even better than we already do. My husband and I are prepared for this meeting and look forward to it, and I believe that my son does too, -but I'm noticing that he is anxious, and worries about the "unknown". He will talk about his feelings to us, and we are careful to make him a part of this decision to adopt. He knows that our love for him will not change toward him, but that our love can "stretch" enough to let us love others also. Is there something that can be added here to help him feel more comfortable in the few weeks before the visit, during the visit, and after the visit occurs that will help him not feel in competition, and therefore not behave as the lovable, sensitive, humorous child we know and wish for the birthfamily to see? And for the well-being for our son.

Response from Graham:
First of all, congratulations on doing an identified open adoption! It's usually a good way to go. On to your concern re your son: When 6 year old's are anxious it is often because they are aware of anxiety in others around them. The process you are engaged in is bound to be anxiety-provoking for you and your husband. The

odds are good that he is picking up on your natural and understandable fears, and expressing them in his own way.

You might remember children's developmental stages. Six year old's do not have the emotional equipment to cope well with change in their family - their primary source of security. Also, the chance of him having more than a superficial understanding of what things will be like in the future, and what adoption even is, is remote. You mention that "he knows our love for him will not change". I assume you mean that you have said this to him and he has indicated that he understands. You might want to consider the possibility that the very idea of your love "changing", or lessening, has never occurred to him in his life before. Even thinking about that possibility is very scary for little kids, as I'm sure you'll agree. Finally, the odds are heavy that, in fact, he is concerned that there will be less of everything to go round, including less of you! The truth is, by adopting a baby, just as giving birth to a new child, the birth child usually feels left out and put out for awhile! So, his anxieties have some basis in probable fact

I would advise downplaying the whole issue with him. Treat everything as matter of fact, and help him have a regular, normal good time. Try to relax around him and keep his routine as close to normal as possible! Good Luck.

Adoption Consultants.