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Question:
Wondering if I can get some info or insight. i was just reunited with my birth mom and brother and am having a difficult time with my emotions. Is there any literature on adult adoptees who found and are more confused than ever? If so could you let me know?
Thanks,
Christy
Response from Marcy:
Dear Christy:
I don't know of a more complex relationship than those created in a reunion!
There are many reasons for this:
-- There are no models for reunion relationships. With other relationships in our lives, there are others all around us living out similar kinds of relationships, popular culture reflects them, etc. By contrast, there isn't much around us to demonstrate for us "how to do" a reunion relationship, and in fact, you may find varying levels of support for even having such a relationship!
-- We may feel torn between feelings of loyalty to our adoptive parents, and not wanting to hurt them, and our own feelings of wanting to be able to pursue these new relationships. Sometimes a spouse will feel threatened or even jealous over his wife's new-found connections.
--Our own feelings toward our newly-found birthmother, birthfather, or siblings, are VERY complicated. It is my belief that regardless of how our rational, "adult" mind perceives our motives for wanting to reunite, there is within us that eternal, primal baby, who's seeking Mommy, who's seeking the connection that was once denied us, who's seeking to fill lots of voids that perhaps we haven't been aware of, and still aren't. All of the questions we've held in our hearts since childhood, all of the fantasies, the wonderings, the musings, all of this comes to bear in this new connection with the mother who was lost to us so long ago.
This may be coupled with an equally primal sense of fear of being rejected once again, a fear that may not always be allayed by our rational understanding of the situation, or by a birthmother's stated intention to "stick around". There also may be some anger percolating down there as well, again, belonging to that primal baby who really wants to know, "How could you give me away??", even while your rational self not only understands and empathizes with your birthmother's decision, but may even feel that you benefited by your adoption situation. On the other hand, if you've found that your birthmother is this incredible woman, and your siblings--especially if they are FULL siblings--are great, too, expect to feel a great deal of sadness at having missed out on being part of this wonderful family, and again, perhaps anger for the same reason.
-- It also is not unusual for EVERYTHING pertaining to a reunion to feel overwhelming, even on a physical level, where you find your stomach racing and your palms sweating, etc. It is my feeling that this has to do with reunion re-triggering "survival mode" patterns that were imprinted in the nervous system around the time of birth, when separation from the biological mother is tantamount to annihilation to a newborn. (I used to notice all these symptoms come on simply by attending adoptee support-group meetings, and listening to various people's stories.)
Multiply our own unconscious, conflicted desires, fears, hurts, etc., and our general state of overwhelm, by two or three--whatever the number of people there are involved in the reunion--and you begin to see the implications!
Whenever I hear that someone's having a difficult time with their emotions, I first point out that feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. When we try "talking ourselves out of" certain feelings, just because they are convenient or they don't seem acceptable, we get into trouble. One thing that I think helps a lot is to WRITE--not in any way that anyone will ever read, just sort of "vomit" the words onto a page, everything that you're feeling, even the horrible, awful, embarrasing feelings that you would be loathe to ever admit to anyone. This helps to get the feelings out of you and get movement happening, so you don't get all stuck.
One other caution is to be sure that it's just YOUR feelings you're struggling with. I find that adoptees often have boundary problems, i.e., they tend to take on everyone else's feelings as part of their responsibility, while having difficulty keeping others from "encroaching" in "their space" as we say here in California.
Now, feelings can become SO big that they begin to get in the way of our ability to live our lives effectively, and that's when I always suggest professional support--either counseling, or a good group that facilitated by a therapist or couselor. It's a little tricky with adoption, because I believe there are truly so few people out there who don't participate in our societal myth of adoption as a "happy, lucky, win-win" circumstance. Many people think that good therapy for adoptees is helping them get over any anger or hurt that they have, so that they can feel grateful. Ugh.
A good place to begin looking for a qualified, sensitive therapist or group, is to find the closest chapter of CUB--Concerned United Birthparents. This itself provides a good support group for both birthparents and adoptees, and could be a place for both you and your birthmother to go and explorefeelings you're both having. (My experience is that it often happens that one of you will be having problems or conflicts, while the other thinks things are just swell!)
Here is some further reading on the subject:
Difficulties in reunion relationship
About my own reunion
About my healing journey including getting back in touch w/ feelings from the womb, etc.
Some other suggestions for reading:
Birthright: A Guide to Search & Reunion by Jean A. Strauss
Adoption Wisdom : A Guide to the Issues and Feelings of Adoption by Marlou Russell
The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Verrier
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness by Betty Jean Lifton, Ph.D.
The best of luck to you, Christy!
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