Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy Axness
Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy AxnessAdoptee Issues...(Continued)
Question:
Hi, I'm Sheri. I found my birth mother and her family on thanks giving in 1995. I have met her and most of the family. It has been a wonderful experience. I'm so glad I had the confidence to do it. Now I need some advice. My birth mother lives far away and we don't talk alot. I do talk to my aunt more though. I'm getting married in September and as the day gets closer I have a stronger urge to find out who my birth father is. I have hinted to my birth mother that I want to know but she changes the subject. I don't know anything about her and him. She has not told me anything. My aunt knows very little as well. She can't help. How do I ask my birth mother who my birth father is, without causing a problem between her and I. I almost have a bit of resentment towards her because I feel that I need to know. She may be protecting me. I don't know. My whole story can be found at:
http://www.execulink.com/~pheebs
The only thing I know is his fathers first name could be Westley. He lives or lived in Stephenville, Newfoundland in 1973. He probably has blond hair. That is all I know. And it may not even be right.
Response from Marcy:
Dear Sherrie:
To the extent that you don't feel free to speak your heart in a relationship, that relationship is somewhat of an illusion. If you think that opening your heart to your birthmother about your deep need to know more about your biological father will cause a serious problem in your relationship, then your relationship is already in trouble.
I know that it is a common thing for adoptees to jump through hoops in order to simply keep that newly-found birthparent "there"--and not leaving us, again. But we give up so much of ourselves to do this. I suggest that you write your birthmother a letter, and very simply and non-confrontively tell her what is in your heart about wanting information about your birthfather. I would be open and honest and tell her that you sense her discomfort or her disinclination to address it, and you understand that this could be due to a variety of reasons, such as her own losses and painful memories, or a traumatic conception for you, as in the case of rape. Just say what is in your heart, ask for her help and see what happens. Good luck!
Question:
Hi, I am an adpotee, and this summer I will be meeting my bfather and his family. I meet him once before ( a couple hours) and things didn't go so well, but I still need to meet him. It was a bad time for him, as he was going through other stuff.
He invited me to go and visit him and his family over the summer, but I am a little (yeah right) nervous. I don't know what to expect, or what I should do. He has a four year old daughter, I'm in my early twenties. Any suggestions or advice in this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Response from Marcy:
Dear Andrew:
Yes, I do have some suggestions that I will give you, despite the fact that I don't have quite the whole story (of what the problems were at your first meeting with your birthfather.)
-- Try to really get clear within yourself what YOU are hoping/wanting/needing to get out of this reunion. Actually write out a list of things, and include them all--be rigorously honest with yourself. You may want facts, medical information, answers to questions about his relationship with your birthmother, etc. But the more challenging aspects of reunion are in the wants and needs we have that lie beyond these definable desires. I happen to believe that it's very common for us adoptees to walk into a reunion with all kinds of very deep, intangible hopes and needs, such as to find "Daddy", in the most primal way. (As you're writing your list, really let the primal, child part of you declare his wants.)
At the time of my own reunion I had no clue to these feelings in myself, and only see in retrospect that they were there and they were "driving" me in a sense. (One example way I know this is how extremely satisfying I found it when my birthfather introduced me to his theater colleagues as "my daughter". I loved feeling "claimed" and acknowledged. When my unspoken/unnamed needs weren't met, I became very frustrated but couldn't get a handle on why. Had I been able to get more clarity within myself before plunging into reunion, it would have saved me untold "tsouris" as they say in Yiddish.
After writing this very honest list, then "re-engage" the adult, rational part of you and assess which things it would be reasonable for you to expect, which things might get met, and which things--because they may come from the more "irrational", feeling part of you--may not be reasonable or realistic to expect. If you have an adoptee's support group, they would be a good place to bounce this stuff off. This way, you will be walking into this reunion with a firmer base of clarity and reality, without disavowing the very real part of you--and very valid part--that DID suffer the loss of this original father, that DID suffer many losses in the course of the experience of adoption, and who may be seeking to recapture something that is, in fact, already lost forever.
Also give some thought to what it is your birthfather might be wanting/ expecting from this new relationship, and think over various scenarios in your head about how it could develop. Get a sense of what YOU will feel comfortable with. For instance, if he seems to want to "fold" you right into his current family, have you be the son he's always wanted, how will that feel and how will you respond with boundaries that respect your own needs and individual identity?
-- You weren't clear about the parameters of the invitation--whether it's for a weekend, for a week, for the summer--but I would give yourself the gift of some good "external" boundaries for the experience. For instance, if you feel comfortable doing this, I would suggest possibly staying at a nearby motel rather than at their house. This way you have your own space to which to retreat when (if) it all becomes a bit overwhelming. The tendency in a new reunion relationship is to want to "merge" with that newly-found lost parent, and we can end up feeling very engulfed. Boundary issues are classic for adoptees, and having your own space would be a way to really respect yourself during this time.
Another way to do this would be to have other plans besides being with your birthfather and his family. Any sights or people or ANYTHING that you might want to see while you're in his city? This could be kept flexible, and certainly open to change, but leaving yourself that option is another way to give yourself the gift of some boundaries, a chance to step away and regain your bearings, etc.
-- As far as your not knowing what to do, I would suggest acting like you would when invited to the home of anyone you don't yet know: Use your best manners, do a lot of good, active listening, don't pour forth with your deepest, darkest secrets, and let things unfold. Of course you should take some of the standard-issue reunion gear: scrapbooks or loose snapshots of you growing up, any mementos that you feel tell a lot about you that he might enjoy seeing, etc., along with a list of any specific questions you might have for him.
Regarding the 4-year-old daughter... Children, especially of this magical age, can be great "ice-breakers", and if you're comfortable around little kids, use that. If this relationship progresses, chances are you might assume something of a "favorite uncle" status to your half-sister. And as the parent of two young kids, I'll let you in on a little secret--you can score big points with parents by hitting it off with their children!
I also invite you to just be disarmingly honest with them about the fact that you feel a little nervous, don't know exactly how to do this reunion-thing, etc. It'll probably make them feel better, too, because I guarantee you, they'll be nervous, too.
-- Last but not least, know that it's wonderful that your birthfather is "claiming" you in full view of his current family. That is no small thing. It doesn't always go that way. So it augers well for you, but (going back up to Tip #1) try to be realistic about this visit. As they say, if you have no expectations, you can't be disappointed. And as you said, you don't know what to expect, which puts you, paradoxically, in a very good position. Just be clear about what it is YOU might be expecting without realizing it. That is the downfall of most reunions. Good luck, do report back!!
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