Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy Axness
Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy AxnessAdoptee Issues(cont)...
Question:
I am planning to meet my birthfather's family in August. He died 35 years ago, and never married. We will be meeting his 8 brothers and sisters and 27 cousins who are the same age as my children. We are planning to stay four days. I would appreciate any advice for the reunion. I'd love to hear from anyone or contact any site that might be helpful.
Response from Marcy:
Dear Carolyn:
My advice when approaching any kind of reunion is always to try and be as aware as possible of what your own expectations/desires/needs are, and to objectively assess which are realistic, and which are not. My guess is that a reunion with aunts, uncles, and cousins isn't as emotionally "loaded" as those with mothers and fathers. My advice is simply to enjoy yourself, and enjoy seeing--perhaps for the first time--faces that look like yours! (I had a similar birth family reunion situation many years ago, with my birth father's extended family, and it was the first time I had ever seen MY nose, right there on other faces! It was great...) All best!
Question:
I am 17, and will turn 18 in August. I just found out 3 months ago that I was adopted at birth. I think about my birth parents all the time, which I know is normal, but I wonder if I should try to find them. My adoptive parents are the best ever, I could not of hoped for better parents if I had hand picked them. I feel bad telling them I want to find my birth mom. I don't want a relationship with her, I just want to see what she looks like, find out my family tree and ethnic background, and some medical background. I have no desire for another mom. So what if I find her and she wants a relationship? I don't really know if I should search for her because I don't want to hurt my parent's feelings, and I don't want to get into something I don't want. How can I tell my mom that I want to search for my birthmom? There is also the problem of my 12 year old brother. He is adopted also, and doesn't know that either one of us are. My mom wants to tell him, but he has ADHD (attention deficit, hyperactivity disorder) and is often tempermental and moody, sometimes happy, and others depressed. So she is afraid to tell him, because he's starting Jr. High and doesn't want to give him an identity crisis. It's kind of confusing. Should I ask a different expert on that topic? I dont know. Thank you for your help. Traci
Response from Marcy:
Dear Traci:
You are experiencing lots of the normal feelings that adoptees face. One big difference is that many adoptees have more years to live with their thoughts and feelings about having "other" parents out there, birth parents. You didn't have the opportunity to integrate that reality into your life as a child. It sounds as if you have a great relationship with your adoptive parents, and my feeling is that honesty is the best way to go in this situation. Sit down with them and tell them exactly what you wrote to me, that you think they're the best parents you could ever have, that you aren't interested in finding another mother, or in any way replacing them, but that you really have a desire to find your birth mother (and maybe father, etc.), that she (them) is a very real part of you. You can also be honest with them about your feelings of not wanting to hurt them, but that you know your relationship is strong enough that you can be real with them, show them ALL of you, including this desire of yours to connect with your roots.
Regarding your concern about finding a birth mother who wants more than you want to give, in the way of a relationship, I suggest that this is a concern to be addressed down the line, if you do indeed decide to search. I don't believe it's a reason not to search, just a valid issue to be addressed in the context of a reunion. Be assured that searching for, and finding, your birth mother DOES NOT OBLIGATE you to anything, I don't believe, other than being polite and courteous. (As opposed to when a birth parent searches; then I am a firm believer that they need to commit to stay forever available to their found son or daughter, regardless of what they find.)
As far as your younger brother goes, I don't believe that an identity crisis is something that can be "given" to a child via a piece of information, i.e., that he's adopted. My personal feeling--and remember, I'm not a licensed expert in this area, just someone who's met and spoken with many, many adoptees--is that the primal experience of being separated from one's mother at birth is very profound and very lasting, a deep-seated remembered experience of shock, confusion, a state of being in danger. I believe that this somatic memory can take the form of attention defecit and hyperactivity--how can one concentrate or sit still when one feels, on a very deep and intangible level, like one is not safe and has to "find the danger out there"? I believe that to tell a child he's adopted is to merely confirm what is already "known", in a deep, primal way. What do you think about that? How did you feel when you found out just recently that you were adopted? Was it truly a shock, or was it a sort of "Ah-haaa" experience, like it made certain things make sense? I believe that to tell a child he's adopted is to merely confirm what is already "known", in a deep, primal way. What do you think about that? How did you feel when you found out just recently that you were adopted? Was it truly a shock, or was it a sort of "Ah-haaa" experience, like it made certain things make sense? My belief is that a child should know from the beginning, and if not, then from as early as possible, even from age 12. There are experts more fluent in this subject than I, however. I wish you the best... Marcy Axness
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