Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy Axness
Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy AxnessAdoptee Issues (continued)...
Question:
I have met my dtr who is 22. Because I am a counselor, I have access to resources on identity seeking as she is doing. I have sent her several books & supportive letters but do not get a response from her although she is the one who found me. It is almost as if she is running from herself. I have an extremely difficult time keeping myself from calling her & our last conversation (which was heated) was 3 wks ago. My counselor friend (who is helping me out) & husband say to let her make the contact. My friend says she is avoidant & if I pursue her, she will remain distant. She is living with her boyfriend for the summer & seems emotionally avoidant with him as well.
Response from Marcy:
I can't tell you how many, many times I have heard this same kind of story--the push-pull dance of reunion. It's endlessly frustrating, and hard to
understand, especially when, as you say, it was she who contacted you!
A few articles to read, if you haven't already:
Second Rejection: The Issue of Rejection Among Adoptees
What is the Primal Wound?"
In Defense of the Primal Wound or read
The
Primal Wound : Understanding the Adopted Child
by Nancy Verrier
These will give a glimpse into the incredibly profound, primal feelings at work inside your daughter, of which she is most likely unaware. I certainly was unaware of them when, after seven years of reunion, I "uninvited" my birthmother from my wedding. (There was a backstory there--she's incredibly self-absorbed and I'd had it with that, but nonetheless, it was an extreme act, and as I see it, an elegant re-enactment in reverse of what I'd felt she'd done to me--invited me, then turned me away.)
A good couple of books are:
JOURNEY
OF THE ADOPTED SELF: A Quest for Wholeness
by Betty Jean Lifton, Ph.D.
--contains some good, insightful material on reunion complexities; and
Birthright
: The Guide to Search and Reunion for Adoptees, Birthparents, and Adoptive
Parents
by Jean A. S. Strauss
Lastly, I agree with your counselor/friend and husband, to let your daughter reinitiate the contacts, EXCEPT that I would perhaps write her a letter, stating in black and white (if, in fact, this is true and you can commit toit) that you are very pleased that she found you, you always thought about her (or whatever, you know, the history kind of stuff of how she "fit" into your life before and after relinquishment) and that while you know that reunion can bring up very mixed emotions and impulses which are sometimes confusing or frustrating, you are THERE for her UNCONDITIONALLY whenever she wants to connect. Send it and then wait. That's the really hard part, but I believe that this is what a birthparent's role is--you were the one to make the first major decision regarding the two of you, she was helpless and powerless. Now she needs to be in control, and often that's part of the crazy-making behavior of adoptees in reunion. (I'm absolutely IMMOVABLE on this point when it's the birthparent who has made contact; in a case like yours, when the adoptee made contact and then pulls away, I'm still in favor of the parent making clear her availability, but if the emotional abuse gets out of hand I think it's justified to take steps to take care of yourself. But that's a ways away, another bridge that you may never have to cross.)
I don't know if you have other children, but think of your posture with your birth daughter as being like one you hold with a two-year-old who's asserting her independence, her strong will, etc., which drives you bonkers but you remain because you're Mother. Throw in some adolescent rage and acting out and you have a not-uncommon reunited adoptee's behavior!
Good luck, I hope it goes well for you.
Marcy Axness
Question:
I am a birthmom, but I am wondering if I should search for my child. Should I do this?- it has been 32 years -I do not want to cause problems for anyone but would at least like to get medical history to him. Very unsure this is the right thing. What do the Adoptees think about this?
Response from Marcy:
I once heard it said in an adoptee/birthparent support group (by an adoptee) that all adoptees want to be found. Even if it's just in their deepest heart of hearts, their most inner primal self, even if the "in control, functioning, rational" adult thinks he or she doesn't want to be found. I tend to believe this. I tend to believe that it would be very gratifying and satisfying for someone to know that they were cared enough to be searched out and found. And as long as you arrived with no demands, no agendas, nothing to force upon him, I would advise you to reach out and do it.
Marcy
Question:
I am an adoptee. I just started looking at the on-line materials about adoption. It seems that I am in a minority. I have no interest in finding my birthparents. I am a firm believer in closed records. This does not seem to be a popular position among adoptees at the moment. What I was wondering is if you know any groups for people who share my ideas? I would appreciate any help you can give me. Thank You.
Response from Marcy:
Dear Amy: I think that every adopted person is entitled, without question, to search or not search for his or her biological relatives. It is a very personal decision. I would be offended by the idea that anyone would ever question your position about not wanting to find your birth family. But why your firm belief against open records? I must admit that I would be equally offended to think that your lack of interest in finding your birth parents would seek to prevent me, or any other adopted person, from doing so. What were you looking for when you began looking through on-line material on adoption? Maybe you're having some anxieties about the possibilities of your birthparent(s) finding YOU? Or about the fact that you DO have another set of parents out there somewhere and you don't have any interest in them, and the understandable dissonance that might raise within. Many people regard this whole situation as sort of a "Pandora's Box"--just don't want to even go there, as they say these days. There are many adoptee support groups available in cities around the country, who get together and talk about all these things. I've met many adopted people at groups like these who do not want to find their birthparents, but who have strong feelings about certain issues of being adopted, among them this notion that there's something "wrong" with them if they don't want to seek out their biological parents. I urge you to connect with some other adoptees at a group like this, some of whom may share your feelings. Good luck...
Marcy Axness
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*Notice
Questions and answers from this site are subject to future publication. In posting questions to this support forum, you are releasing what you write to be published without payment or credit. All material written by Ms. Axness is copyrighted, all rights reserved by her.
Also, I have a resource directory for various adoption support organizations, groups, networks, etc. If people want that kind of info., they might want to include the name of the nearest major city to where they live.
Copyright 1997 CIS
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