Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy Axness

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Adoptee Issues (Continued)

Question:
My name is Momina and I'm a 13 year old adoptee. For the past 4 months I have ben trying to find my biological mother. Every since I found out that I was adopted which was March 1,1997 I have wanted to find my mother. Now I am coming to an end of my search. I have found my mother's friend that signed the adoption papers as an unofficial witness. Anyway I have not called him yet, because I don't know what to say to him when I call him. And I was just wondering if you could give me some ideas on what to say. I don't want to turn back now, I have done all this research by myself, without anyones help. I used my adoption papers, names, and the computer. If you give me an idea of what to say, I will be much obliged.

Response from Marcy:

Dear Momina: My best advice in this circumstance is always to speak the truth that's in your heart. It's always the best way to go.

In this particular case, since you're so young, I'm wondering if your adoptive parents are aware of and support your search for your birthmother. If so, their "endorsement" of your search might well put the friend at ease about what might seem to him to be to be a dicey matter, getting involved in the search of a minor.
Good luck!

Question:
I was adopted and have always known this fact. I was raised with my biological mother and my adoptive father. As far back as I can remember, I have wondered why my father 'gave me away' and kept his other 2 sons (both younger by at least 6-7 years). At 31, I guess I still wonder. Any- way, during my teenage years, I remember much pain around holidays, especially my birthday; I never shared these feelings of abandonment and rejection with anyone. Anyway, now I have my own 4 year old son and his father, much like, mine has hit the high road and left him out to dry. He thinks that my husband is his father. I want to lie to him until he is old enough to understand. I don't want him to feel that pain I felt and wonder all those questions (that really can't be answered until you are mature enough to understand). What are your feelings on this issue?

Response from Marcy:
Dear Teree:
Funny, my own philosophies on this very issue have been rapidly evolving, and I have come to agree with you to a large extent--that many of these profound truths cannot be understood and integrated until an individual has reached a certain point of emotional and intellectual maturity.

This is NOT to say that I don't believe that in his gut, your son knows something is amiss--I believe he knows this on a very deep, primal level. So address the issues on that level, on the level of imagery, imagination, creative "picture" language.

Tell him stories about animals who are raised by others' parents, find him fairy tales about orphans raised by strong, willing protectors. As he grows, read to him about such figures as King Arthur, who was fostered by another father so as to free him to reach his destiny. I don't believe this is lying to your son; I believe it is laying a foundation on the level at which children can grasp it: the level of imagination, dreams, wonderment.

I would NEVER give this advice to an adoptive parent (or, like you, the mother of a step-fathered child) who is in denial about the tough truths inherent in their situation, lest it be used as another way to avoid the realities which must be faced. I believe that it is healing for your son for you to simply hold within yourself the understanding of the pain of his situation. Pray about it, soothe your son's loss at an unconscious level. It may sound off the wall, but it truly works wonders. And by keeping close to your son's unconscious in this way, you will know the right time to tell him the whole truth.

The best to you and your son (and your son's step-father, who will truly be his father.)

And oh, yes--if and when there comes the time when your son asks you point blank, DO NOT EVER LIE.

Question:

I recently recieved a letter from a woman who has been searching for a child she had 32 years ago. Her records do not match my birth certificate namly the state in which I am said to be born and the state in which she had the child are radiclly different. There the only things that matched were the exact date of birth and the date she claims she reliquished custody with the date my records indicated 'date recieved by local registrar' (not entirly sure what this means). Additionally the hour she claims her record show as the 'hour of birth' and mine match only as min and sec., ie...one being am and the other pm. Is it possible I was not born in the state my records indicate? Would someone have altered my time of birth by changing the am/pm?

There were other occurances and simularities she mentioned that gave me an indication that she may be my birthmother. This is a very diturbing and unfair approch to this. I have never tried to establish contact with my birthmother and do not wish to at this time. I had a very happy, healty and sucessful childhood and am quite pleased with my currrent >family situation. My mother and father were always honest with me about the circumsances surrounding my adoption, as they knew them. Now the very foundation of my exitance has been shaken by this woman with information contrary to my own. I do not want to search for my bithmother but I must know if this woman is or is not my birthmother and if I was born in that particular state with her version of the circumsances instead of my own (which I have held to be the truth my entire life). She unfairly left me with only a number to call her at.

I understand her wanting to know her son is alright, but if I'm her son I'm not alright with this approach. If a birth mother want to find her child with out them knowing and make the childs' search for them eaisier that is fair, but to present someone with this information when it was not requested is not. If she wants to establish contact and/or a relationship with her son she should not write such an emtional letter that allows the recipient no alternative other than to '...call me collect at ********** anytime'. A third party contact would be a more acceptable approach. This woman did not even give her return adress, and none of her records or detail of her search process where give. I believe she used an agency to obtain her information. If this is the case she should have had them contact me to verify or determine the possibilties. Using emotional tactic like "if you are (name she gave baby), I just want to know you are healty...." is unfair munipulation by her and/or those involved in the search process. I must bring closureto this situation. Please advise.

Is it possible that my birth certificate, naming my place of birth, is not my real place of birth? Where record altered in the 60's to make it hard for the birthmother to find the child? Is my birth certificate not true and accurate as to the place and time of my birth?

Response from Marcy:
Dear Scott: What you are describing is clearly a very disturbing situation for you, and a good example of the kind of damage that can and has been wrought under the system of closed, secretive adoption. Yes, facts can and have been known to be changed to suit various needs of others party to the adoption, usually with no thought as to how it will later affect the adopted individual. It seems that there are two rather distinct issues at work here: one, the questions that have been raised about whether or not certain facts that you've believed to be true about the place and time of your birth are in fact the truth; and two, the sudden appearance of a woman who claims to be your birthmother. Issue number one is out of my field of expertise; someone facile with search issues would be of more help to you, someone who knows the intricacies of the endless bureaucracy of our state and county records systems, etc., perhaps even a private investigator. But I wonder if it isn't issue number two that is of the most concern to you at the moment. You would have preferred this woman to use an intermediary and she didn't; however, she didn't appear at your doorstep, didn't even call you on the phone. She wrote a letter, which is one of the least confrontive means of contact available. I fail to see her statement "if you are (name she gave baby), I just want to know you are healty...." as the "emotionally manipulative tactic" you characterize it to be. It seems a straightforward, heartfelt sentiment. What I DO understand is how ANY letter to an adoptee having no interest in finding his birth parents--from a woman claiming to be his birth mother--no matter how reasonable it may be in its language and its message, could arouse a gamut of powerful feelings, ranging from anger and outrage to a sense of betrayal and invasion. Some of these feelings, however, rightly deserve to be directed at the very institution of closed adoption, which has been shown to cause suffering for everyone due to its insideous nature of secrecy. This woman--regardless of whether she is your birth mother or the birth mother of another adoptee--has obviously suffered at the hands of the closed system, just as now you--and your adoptive parents--are suffering. But...what to do right now? You are 32, you are not a child. If you do not wish contact, tell her so. If you feel so strongly about not having direct contact, get someone you trust to make the call for you. Perhaps ask them to obtain her address, in case you might want to contact her by mail at a later time. Feelings change, experiences alter our perceptions, decisions shift. Don't close any doors if you can help it. If you have any interest in gaining some perspective on the experience of birth mothers, you might pick up THE ADOPTION TRIANGLE, by Pannor, Baran, and Sorofsky. The advice that birth mothers were given in the 50's, 60's, and still too often today of "You'll get on with your life and you'll forget," was exquisitely naive and proved completely wrong. Birth mothers never forget, and they never quite totally get on with their lives, although many go on to have very productive, happy lives with other children. And one of the most painful things for birth mothers in closed adoptions is that there is never any closure. Perhaps that is all this woman is searching for: closure. And peace. Good luck.

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