Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy Axness

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Adoptee Issues...(continued)

Question:
I've contacted the Adoption disclosure Registry in Toronto and they have contacted my birth mother a few times. She seems to be reluctant to follow-up with contacting me. How should I respond? She told the worker that she has not informed her present husband that she gave birth to me and is, I guess, struggling with how to explain my existence. Any advice on what to do would be helpful. As well, I have phone numbers of relatives (people with the same last name) and have contemplated calling them. Again, any advice?

Response from Marcy:

Dear Diana:
This is a TERRIBLY frustrating position for you, to know that contact with your birthmother is possible, but not (yet?) clearly desired by her. My advice in this instance is always to write her a heartfelt letter, tell her what it is you seek--most likely just to meet her, see her, ask some questions, whatever it is for you--and make it clear that you are a considerate, reasonable person who has no intention of disrupting her life. Give the letter to the intermediary and ask that it be forwarded on to her.

There are a couple of other things at work here that are crazy-making, as well, which may be getting under your skin. First, I believe that adoptees tend to feel treated as children forever, always having to be lied to, protected, and "intermediated" by some OTHER person. This is very disheartening and downright maddening. Recognize that this may be bothering you.

Also, on an even deeper and more tender level, you realize that you are the deep, dark secret that your birthmother is unwilling to disclose to her husband, and this is a very painful thing to be. Try to remember that it isn't YOU who is the secret, but her experience of a crisis pregnancy and having a child out of wedlock for which she feels shame. But as much as a mind can understand that fact, the more primal part of us feels terribly hurt, rejected, and like damaged goods.

I recommend any of the books that I've previously suggested to people in the throws of reunion, as well as to find yourself an adoptees' support group with whom to share some of what you're experiencing. Good luck!

Question:
I am 36 and have known I was adopted since I can remember. My parents are very silent when this issue comes up. I did find out some things about my birth parents, but do not have any concrete information about things like - the name of the hospital, doctors involved, names of birth parents, etc.. What are the chances that I could concievably find my birth parents. I would like to know them before they are not here any more. (My adopted parents are in their late 60's and early 70's.)

What I did find out was that my birth parents were in college and married. Also I am married with 3 children. They each look alot like me. The oldest in the most ways. I've always hoped they will be ok with respect to medical conditions and physical ailments.

I'm, bottom line, scared. Real scared of what I may find and of offending in a lasting way the fols who raised me so well. (I haven't told them that I am looking.)

Response from Marcy:
Dear Steven:
First of all, I commend you for your willingness to recognize that you are scared. Lots of people act very cavalierly in this circumstance, denying any strong feelings like fear, and it gets us into trouble. Try simply sitting down w/ a piece of paper--or in front of your computer--and writing, stream of consciousness, about your fear, and let it take you to other areas of your feelings. Managing our feelings is the biggest piece of this whole adoptee/ reunion thing, I believe.

As far as your search goes, that is not my area of expertise. I do know, however, that there are some professional searchers who seem to be able to do amazing things with very little info. Contact a local adoptee support group to tap into some of those resources.

There is a fine line here, regarding your adoptive parents. The atmosphere of "we don't talk about it" is quite common in adoptive homes (as in "regular" homes, with regard to the family's deep issues) and so I understand your reticence to discuss it. It is a decision that you must make within yourself, as to whether you'll tell them about your search, and when. Some people go ahead with the whole search and only disclose it after they have had a positive reunion. Others can't stand the sense of "disloyalty" or dishonesty they feel, and so are compelled to get everything out in the open. I don't feel that either way is right or wrong; only what fits for you.

Question:
I was adopted in the 1940's. It was an abusive situation where the state took all the children and placed them in an orphanage, I was the youngest, under 2 at the time. I was raised with one sister who chose to break contact with me some years ago. Are there others who are from simular situations? Most adoption articles I read are about children being "given up" or parents who gave up children. I have considered "looking" for relatives but still bear the scars of the abuse, plus my adoptive parents reminded me more the once NEVER to look for any of my natural family. Do you have any experience with others from orphange situations looking for family?

Response from Marcy:
Dear Marjorie:
The only familiarity I have with your kind of situation is from what I see on talk shows such as Maury Povich and Gordon Elliot. I have seen many moving stories about young siblings split up due to circumstances such as you describe, and the people being reunited on the show. I don't know how you feel about doing something like that, but you might consider it...they have the search done for you. Alternatively, you might try calling the search consultants that they feature on their shows. Good luck...

Question:
I have just recently spoken to birth father,I would like to take it slow and really hope that we are able to build a meaningful relationship. I love my adoptive parents with all of my heart. My question to you is: How can I go about this without hurting any of the memebers of my extended family? I am afraid that my adoptive father may think I am trying to replace me,and I would be crused if he believed that. I haven't told him yet. Should I?

Response from Marcy:
Dear Sarah:
In these situations, once there has been a positive relationship established with a birthparent, I tend to believe that it's best to be as open and honest as possible. How your adoptive father handles the truth is part of HIS journey. Just speak--or write a letter--from your heart, telling him exactly what you said here.

While I understood what you meant to say, I couldn't help noticing how you wrote of your fear of your adoptive father thinking "I am trying to replace me". That is, I believe, what often is going on--on deeper levels--during this heady time of reunion...a search not only for a lost parent, but for a lost self, which might be able to be replaced...

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