Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy Axness
Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy AxnessAdoptee Issues Continued....
Question:
I AM AN ADOPTEE AND WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HAVE MY YOUNGER BROTHER, WHO WAS ADOPTED, FIND ME. HE HAD ALREADY BEEN IN CONTACT WITH OUR BIRTHMOTHER AND 2 OLDER BROTHERS. SO THE INFORMATION WAS EASILY AT HAND. IT TOOK ME 5 MONTHS TO GET THE COURAGE UP TO WRITE TO MY BIRTHMOTHER AND WE WERE REUNITED A LITTLE OVER A YEAR AGO. MY 2 OLDER BROTHERS AND I WERE ALSO REUNITED SHORTLY AFTER. THROUGH ALL THIS, I REALIZED THAT I HAD KNEW THIS WOMAN ALL OF MY LIFE AND MY BROTHERS AND THEY KNEW ABOUT ME. THE DAY I MET MY BIRTHMOTHER, SHE EXPLAINED MY STORY TO ME. I WAS NEVER TO BE ADOPTED!! SHE WAS UNABLE TO TAKE CARE OF ME AND PUT ME INTO COUNTY FOSTER CARE (MY ADOPTED PARENTS). AT 3 YEARS OLD I WAS ADOPTED AS SHE PUTS ILLEGALLY. APPARENTLY, MY BIRTHFATHER WAS LITERALLY GIVEN MONEY TO SIGN ME AWAY BY MY ADOPTED PARENTS ATTORNEY. MY BIRTHMOTHER, LIMITED IN WHAT SHE COULD DO, KEPT COMING TO THE HOUSE DEMANDING HER BABY BACK. BUT THAT'S AS FAR AS THE STORY GOES. WHEN I CHECKED WITH ADOPTION SERVICES ON INFORMATION, IT STATES MY MOTHER DID NOT SIGN ANY PAPERS AND THERE IS NO INFORMATION ABOUT MY BIRTHFATHER. MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS WILL NOT TELL ME ANYTHING AND ARE VERY EVASIVE. THE ONLY THINGS I CAN EVEN REMEMBER ABOUT MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS TALKING ABOUT MY ADOPTION WAS, MY MOTHER WAS NO GOOD, SHE DID NOT WANT ME AND I WAS TO NEVER EVER SEARCH FOR HER. NEEDLESS TO SAY IT IS VERY CONFUSING. I AM 36 YEARS OLD AND THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND. MY BIRTHMOTHER HAS BEGGED ME NOT TO CONTACT MY BIRTHFATHER STATING HE IS NO GOOD. BUT NOW A YEAR OR SO LATER, MY BIRTHMOTHER WAS IN CONSTANT ONCE A WEEK CONTACT AND NOW I'M LUCKY TO HEAR FROM HER ONCE A MONTH AND THAT'S ONLY WHEN I CALL HER. I AM CONCERNED FOR HER, THAT MAYBE THIS WAS TOO MUCH FOR HER. WE LIVE BASICALLY IN THE SAME AREA AND IT IS A VERY SMALL TOWN WITH BIG MOUTHS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. BUT I WANT TO KNOW MY BIRTHMOTHER SO BADLY. SHOULD I EXPRESS MY CONCERNS TO HER? I KNOW THIS CANNOT BE EASY FOR HER. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
MY 2 OLDER BROTHERS THAT WERE RAISED BY MY BIRTHMOTHER ARE EVASIVE ALSO. THEY SAID THEY WANTED TO BE CLOSE BUT THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I DON'T HEAR FROM THEN AT ALL. MY YOUNGER BROTHER, WHO FOUND ME, SAID THEY DID THE SAME THING WITH HIM. ALL THOUGH HE CHOSE NOT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR BIRTHMOTHER. (HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ADOPTED). MY BIRTH FAMILY WAS NOT A HAPPY FAMILY GROWING UP. IT SEEMS MY BIRTHMOTHER WAS MARRIED 4 TIMES AND HAS HAD 5 CHILDREN. (THE 3 YOUNGER ENDED UP BEING ADOPTED OUT, INCLUDING ME) . ALL 5 OF US HAVE DIFFERENT FATHERS. WE RANGE IN AGES OF 47 TO 30. ONE ADOPTED BROTHER IS STILL MISSING AND OUR BIRTHMOTHER DOESN'T SEEM TO WANT TO FIND HIM. BUT SHE KNEW EXACTLY WHERE I WAS AND EVEN WENT TO THE SAME CHURCH I DID GROWING UP!! THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME RIVALRY BETWEEN THE 2 OLDER BROTHERS BUT MY YOUNGER BROTHER AND I ARE VERY CLOSE. I AM VERY HAPPY KNOWING MY BIRTHMOTHER AND FAMILY AND ALL THE ANSWERS TO MY QUESTIONS GROWING UP.(I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT NATIONALITY I WAS). I FEEL AN EXTREME BOND BETWEEN ONE OLDER BROTHER AND MY BIRTHMOTHER BUT I FEEL AS IF I'M BEING PUSHED AWAY. SHOULD I GIVE THEM SPACE? I FEEL THEY WON'T CONTACT ME ANYMORE, LIKE THEY DID MY LITTLE BROTHER. MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLOSE SO I FEEL MAYBE I AM PUTTING TOO MUCH OF BURDEN ON DEVELOPING A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BIRTHFAMILY. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO GET MY BIRTH RECORDS OPEN . HOW WOULD I GO ABOUT THIS? THANKS FOR YOUR TIME!!!
Response from Marcy:
Whenever I hear a story with so much "intrigue", as I call it, so many "factions", this person and that person aligning and shutting out another, loyalties, betrayals, etc., I urge the person at the eye of that whole storm-- meaning you--to try and step back away from all that and first of all begin to get a handle on your own deep feelings in all of this. Staying engaged in all that drama is often a handy way of avoiding what are usually some pretty rugged feelings of loss, grief, rage, etc. We sometimes suffer from the fear that if we allow ourselves to even BEGIN to allow these feelings to the surface, to see the light of day, that they will overcome us and we'll never get back on top of them and "in control". The reality is that these feelings are ALREADY running you, but in ways that are indirect but life-diminishing nonetheless.
You might try simply writing...maybe in the form of a letter to your birthmother, or to your adoptive parents, or to your brothers...or maybe all of them. These are likely to be writings that you will never show anyone--except perhaps a therapist--so feel free to let it all come out on the paper. Begin with "When you do such-and-such...I feel..."
I would also suggest finding a supportive atmosphere in which you can begin to explore these feelings and your situation--either an adoptee or adoptee/ birthparent support group, or a group or individual therapy situation with a counselor who is familiar with and sensitized to the issues of adoption.
Once you've begun to feel grounded in your own feelings, then is a better time to begin to deal with the relationships around you. Writing each of them a letter, expressing your feelings and position (in a more circumspect manner than in your "from-the-guts" writings) and what you would hope to have in a relationship with them is always, I believe, a good way to start.
In the end, no matter how desperate we are to feel connected, to family, to friends, we must first establish a clear connection with our own deeper selves. Good luck.
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