Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy Axness

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Adoptee Issues...
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Question:
I was adopted from birth. My Parents ( the ones who raised me) also adopted 2 other boys. Neither of the other brothers have searched for their Blood, I haven't as well. I think the only reason I would is for Medical Reasons But I sometimes wonder?? PEACE

Response from Marcy:

Sadly, the only "socially sanctioned" reason to search--the one which won't elicit raised eyebrows or concerned, questioning looks--is "For medical reasons". It testifies to the great weight we give to our material, physical natures, and the little consideration we give to the aspects of ourselves that go beyond flesh and blood--to soul, spirit, heart.

Why WOULDN'T someone want to look into the eyes of the person (or people) from whom he or she was created? That, to me, would be the more natural question, rather than why WOULD you want to search? Does the decision to search in any way discount or eclipse the devotion, love and appreciation one has for one's adoptive parents? Not at all, and it's a shame when an adopted person is made to feel this kind of "loyalty conflict". It is not a case of either/or. It is a case of both. Adoptees all have two sets of parents--that is a fact that must be embraced by everyone in the adoption triad if they are to truly benefit from adoption's blessings. Good luck.
Marcy>

Question:
My birth mother has contacted me via letter, 2 years ago. I have received several letters and some photographs since, but I have never responded. Her last letter which was sent Dec 1996 stated that she would no longer be making contact with me, as a mark of respect for my privacy.

Recently, I have been thinking alot about my adoption, and have re-read the letters. The other night I posted by hand a card and a photo of myself through the door of my birth mothers house. It was the first time that I had been there. (I am not sure what I feel about this, I am asking myself, was this a mistake, and then on the other hand I want her to acknowledge me).

I feel that I have a lot of questions about myself and the way I am as a person that have not been answered, I am not sure whether I am using my adoption to find the answers or whether the answers are within myself.

I'm not sure whether I want to have a relationship with my birth mother or not. I am frightened to open that door.

I would like you to give me some advise as to where to go from here, I would like to hear about some experiences that other people have had.

Response from Marcy:
Dear Dawn:
It is clear that you have very ambivalent feelings about making contact with your birthmother. You were only willing to respond to her once she stated she wouldn't be sending you any further correspondence, and then you didn't just send her a letter, but hand-delivered it through her door. You want her to acknowledge you, but she has been doing that, for two years!

I understand the conflicting feelings at work in the beginnings (and throughout, frankly) of reunion...there is the desire for reconnection, but also perhaps a sense of primal anger and indignation (How could you have given me away in the first place???), that is usually not easy to recognize...there may be renewed sadness or grief responses over the initial separation, along with an excitement about "being found"...lost and found... All these things all mixed up together to result in a pretty confusing mish-mash of feelings and responses, many of which feel completely out of control and irrational.

The question of whether you're "using your adoption"--as a crutch?--or whether the answer is within you is not a black-and-white one. The experience of adoption IS within you, and an important piece of coming to wholeness is the recognition of exactly what it was that you went through in the process of adoption--the separation from your mother at birth, being taken home by people who--while they surely loved you and did all they could--didn't "feel" like your mother, didn't "smell" right, didn't "heartbeat" right...they just felt wrong. And there was no one around to support you in having your feelings about that, so you had to just tuck them away and soldier on. The more that we can retreive, reclaim, and integrate those old, disowned feelings and responses, the more we can feel back in connection with ourselves and our lives...this is the process I call "inner reunion".

I suggest you find an adoptees/birthparent support group in your area. One good way to find one is to contact your nearest chapter of CUB--Concerned United Birthparents. They're very tapped in to support resources. All best to you.

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*Notice
Questions and answers from this site are subject to future publication. In posting questions to this support forum, you are releasing what you write to be published without payment or credit. All material written by Ms. Axness is copyrighted, all rights reserved by her.

Also, I have a resource directory for various adoption support organizations, groups, networks, etc. If people want that kind of info., they might want to include the name of the nearest major city to where they live.