Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy Axness
Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Marcy Axness Adoptee Issues....
continued....
Adoptee Called a "Mistake":
I was adopted in 1982 and recently reunited with my birthmother. I am happy with my decision and now a very happy half brother to two half sisters.
I have a question though concerning my birthfather. I contacted him too, but I got a different response from him, He said he didn't want to remember his mistake. (refering to me) It's hard to think that your a MISTAKE. I want a relationship with him but is this a normal response for some birthfathers? And if it is will he want a relationship later maybe? I hope he does cause he is a part of me even if he refers to me as a Mistake....
Response from Marcy:
Contained in your story is the heart of the adoptee's existential dilemma: to reconcile that we were, indeed, created by mistake. I take a spiritual view that while these two individuals--my birthparents--didn't consciously intend to create me, something larger and more cosmic--perhaps with my own participation-- was at work, with intention for me to come into this physical life. Now, having said that, I also know that there is another level of me, the emotional/ psychological level, where it has been VERY hard to come to terms with being a mistake...or rather, a part of me that has been convinced throughout my life that I AM simply "wrong"--for taking up this space, for being in any particular moment... I've lived with the vague and intangible conviction that those close to me will at any moment become displeased with me, not for something I've done or said, but simply because I AM.
As far as your birthfather's reaction...we do not and cannot have any control over the responses and actions of others, only of our own attidudes and behaviors. I suggest letting him know from your heart how you feel--a letter is usually a good way to do this--and what he does with that is only up to him... how you respond to it is up to you. It is easy to take on the rejection of another as information about US, when it is more accurately about THEM. He is not rejecting you--Matt, the grown, interesting individual--but rather his memory of Matt-the-untimely-conception, and also perhaps defending against feelings of guilt, regret, anger...old unprocessed material OF HIS OWN.
I will share a piece of personal experience that is relevant... I was in reunion with my own birthfather for roughly 17 years, and the last six of them were very close, with his longtime girlfriend and he growing wonderfully familial with my husband, son and I. For reasons that they have never shared with me--despite my heartfelt letters inviting them to do so--they simply drifted out like the tide--moved away from this area, and even ceased corresponding with my two children, to whom they had become godparents. An uncanny reprise of history, a recapitulation of disconnection, or perhaps a flight from perceived responsibility...I will probably never know. It was VERY painful for me at the beginning, and of course there will always be traces of pain and also anger about it, but I was finally able to put things where they belonged: that he didn't leave ME, or my children because of something about us, but because of who he is. As songwriter Lori Lieberman wrote in a song that I found so helpful, "He's a leaver."
I wish you the best--the inner strength and conviction about who YOU are, so that you can stand steady in the face of whatever response you ultimately get from your birthfather. And enjoy the wonderful relationship with your OTHER birth family! (Sometimes these primal wounds keep us from being able to take in the blessings we DO have...)
Marcy Axness
Question:
I WAS ADOPTED IN 1970 AND I HAVE DECIDED TO BEGIN MY SEARCH FOR MY BIRTHPARENTS. MY ONLY CONCERN IS THAT I HAVE REGISTERED MY NAME AND OTHER INFORMATION FOR A MATCH AND MY BIRTHPARENTS HAVE APPARENTLY NOT BEEN LOOKING FOR ME. DUE TO THIS, I HAVE SOME RESERVATIONS ABOUT BEGINNING MY SEARCH. I FEEL AS THOUGH MAYBE I SHOULD NOT SEARCH BECAUSE I WOULD BE INTERFERRING WITH THEIR LIVES ALSO. IS THIS A NORMAL FEELING FOR SOMEONE AFRAID OF THE UNKNOWN, AFRAID OF POSSIBLE REJECTION?
Response from Marcy:
Don't assume that your birthparents wouldn't like to meet you. Many don't feel that they should be the ones to search...and some are themselves struggling with the feelings that have shadowed them since they relinquished babies to adoption: guilt, sorrow, anger, etc., and simply haven't taken that next step of placing themselves on a search registry.
As B.J. Lifton says, adoptees going into a search must become warriors. Take this time to begin unpacking some of these deeper issues, look at them, face them, feel some of the ancient feelings. The more you can resolve and reconcile some of these very profound experiences and emotions, the clearer you can be as you approach reunion. You can be clear about your needs and expectations (try not to have any!) as well as your hopes (have high ones!)
Good luck.
Marcy
Support?
I was wondering if you could help me find a group that works with people were born as a result of rape? ...Then given up for adoption. I really hope you can help me, I can't seem to find anything in my area or the web.
Response from Marcy:
Dear Monica:
No, I'm not aware of any group specifically for those conceived through rape... although I wouldn't be surprised--there seems to be a group for just about every circumstance possible. Clearly this is something that adds another dimension of trauma to the primal wounds of the adoption experience, being created through an act of violence and in an atmosphere of terror. This is an issue that has been addressed in the literature and research of pre- and perinatal psychology; perhaps you would be interested in reading material from that area. It isn't easy to find, but if you go to a well-stocked academic library that stocks the Pre- and Perinatal Psychology Journal, you'll find many articles on this subject.
Good luck.
Marcy
Continue to next page...
*Notice
Questions and answers from this site are subject to future publication. In posting questions to this support forum, you are releasing what you write to be published without payment or credit. All material written by Ms. Axness is copyrighted, all rights reserved by her.
Also, I have a resource directory for various adoption support organizations, groups, networks, etc. If people want that kind of info., they might want to include the name of the nearest major city to where they live.
Copyright 1997 CIS
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