Foster Homes for Sibling Groups

[conscienwriter]

Finding adoptive families for older children is often a difficult undertaking, as so many prospective parents are wary to take on the great emotional challenge of caring for children that have been in foster care for a long time. But similarly difficult is finding foster parents for these same children, and, particularly those in sibling groups that have managed to stay together through so many upheavels and changes. While many adoption agencies and Home-Finding Departments have some counseling available, there are still a great deal of challenges that foster parents of sibling groups, both large and small, must deal with on a daily basis.

I am curious to hear about the experiences (both positive and negative!) of others that have fostered or adopted sibling groups. How did you deal with the challenges? What types of help did you receive from agencies or support groups, and was it helpful in your experience?

[accomplice]

I never make assumptions that siblings are best kept together, although my own sister is a good friend to me. Years ago, I babysat three younger cousins during the summer. Their mom had left town, and I kept them while their dad was at work. The oldest was a girl, and she had until that time been expected to mother her younger male siblings. When I went back to high school that fall, their dad didn't just get another babysitter. He took them to the town their mom fled to and left them with her, and then he went 500 miles away. Needless to say, it wasn't long before the three were in foster homes; the girl in one and the boys in another. Their uncle/my stepfather ran up to "rescue" them and brought them back to foster them in our home, although he was a bottoming-out alcoholic at the time. For many reasons, it has been made clear over and over that, for the girl at least, this was not a favor. In her non-relative foster home was the first time she was allowed to be a child (aged 8 or 9) instead of a pseudo-adult. In her family, her brothers were considered her responsibility, although of course she was granted no real authority. She loved them, but she was not sorry to be free of that inappropriate responsibility. Due to my close-up view of this situation, I'm not an especial fan of relative fostering, because the same system/practices/beliefs operate throughout this family. Moving from their father to their uncle was not an escape from an abusive system.

[backslash]

That's such a sad situation. I think it happens in many troubled families (with parents that are either emotionally or physically distant or absent) that the oldest child typically takes on the responsibility of taking care of the younger children, which often creates a bond much different than the typical sister/brother bond. Many of these children don't know how to behave with each other once they are more supported and have the freedom to be children again, which typically leads to the difficult struggle of renegotiating a relationship in which the children are more peers and less in a hierarchical world where one has authority over the others. I wonder if there are adults visiting this site that have been in this situation, and were either separated from their siblings or stayed with them ... what was your experience? And, if you were separated, did you ever reconnect?

[admiral]

I never make assumptions that siblings are best kept together...Needless to say, it wasn't long before the three were in foster homes; the girl in one and the boys in another. In her non-relative foster home was the first time she was allowed to be a child (aged 8 or 9) instead of a pseudo-adult. ...She loved (her baby brothers), but she was not sorry to be free of that inappropriate responsibility...Moving from their father to their uncle was not an escape from an abusive system.

Well, certainly her life may have been easier when she wasn't overly responsible for her brothers, but if all three could have been fostered in a healthy home (which, you make clear, this was not) she could maybe have learned NOT to be overly responsible, without having to grieve the loss of her siblings. She's already lost both parents! So I think this case is an example of the need for better foster family screening (and not assuming relatives are best) but that doesn't change the desirability of keeping siblings together.

[congressional]

It is difficult to be the oldest child and be expected to take care of your siblings. These older children sometimes grow up bitter toward their younger siblings because they feel as if they lost their childhood. I think it is important to keep sibling groups together, but it would be near impossible to keep the older child from feeling responsible for younger siblings.

[cranium]

Especially in families that are having problems, this can be a huge issue. They expect the oldest child to step in for a parent when they do not have the respect or maturity to do it. These children take on alot of reponsibility for their age and end up becoming bitter and angry.