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  1. #1

    Default Concerns for adopting a 4 year old

    We are in the process of adopting a 4 year old girl from TX.

    According to her medical records she is a healthy little girl with no emotional issues.

    She has been living with her birthmom since she was born but she presently is homeless and cannot provide for her as she would like.

    I know she will have attachment issues and she will need counseling and lots of love, understanding and structure.

    How long will it take her to bond and what things should we be aware of.

    We are going into this with our eyes open and are aware of the issues that may arise just asking someone who has been in this situation for some feedback.

    Thank you,
    Linda

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Currently Tennessee
    Posts
    4

    Default

    I did not read in your post as to whether the mom and child will be allowed to continue contact? As an older child who does and will remember "mom", the devistation of separation and loss would be a path best avoided, in my opinion.

    Our family has two situations similar to this. One is myself. My grandmother gave me up to provide a better life for me after Momma died. She went through many years of questioning that decision, but always kept her phone number listed in the phone book in hopes I would contact her. I was just about six when I was given up. When I was 15, I called her out of the blue. I had been adopted for 5 years. We stayed in touch into my young adulthood through letters and phone calls. My main question? Was I really loved by my birth family? I had to wait for many years to hear the answer from a family member.

    Next is my own son, his ex-girlfriend lost custody and parental rights to her two babies, ages 1 and 2. They were in foster care until my son became stablized(sober). He has them now, but I have been in contact with thier mother recently. All she wants to know is if they are okay. She has dreams about them alot. She feels devistated by her actions which resulted in the parental loss. Our contact has resulted in my son's anger towards me. Neither one of them were mature enough to handle the children and both were "guilty" of being selfish with alcohol abuse.

    My point is that with your new child, there are more avenues to consider than just her well-being. As she matures, she may question her circumstances and while it may not really be anyone's "fault" that the situation developed, she may blame those closest to her. At each maturity level, such as going to school, change of life, dating, etc, she will experience a mini-cycle of grief and loss issues, question and answer, and self-modification. It sounds like you are aware of these issues and are more than willing to address each one as they are needed. And you are right, getting the right support is paramount. She may or may not have issues that you will see need to be addressed. Chances are though, you will.

    I do have alot to say on these issues and I would be more than happy to help if I can. Please keep me in mind for the future, if you would like. For now, I would recommend some type of mediation, a go-between to keep daughter and mother somewhat informed as to progress. The love and investment for all concerned may give this child a step up on the ladder of adjustment and attachment.

    Good Luck!

  3. #3

    Default It has been over a year since the adoption of our Daughter

    Sorry it has been such a long time to respond.

    I really glad you responded to my post as you personally know how it feels first hand.

    Our daughter is now 5 and is going to Kindergarden, involed in tap and ballet and has made many friends.

    We do have contact with her birthmother and recently saw her when we finalized the Adoption in August.

    We also have contact with her birthfather, siblings, cousins, Aunts and Grandparent. We have had several visits from them and her birthfather is planning a trip to visit during Thanksgiving.

    I am very aware of the speration from her birthfamily and believe in telling her the truth.

    She knows she has a family here with us and the family in Texas.

    She has lashed out to me at times wanting the attention from her birthmom she is not getting and I try to tell her she needs to let her know how she feels and act them out.

    We are starting therapy again so whatever she feels she cannot communicate to me she talk it out there.

    We were an are aware of alot the issues that may occur and open to whatever is the best for her.

    We truely love her so much and in the year and 3 months she has been with us she has come such a long way.

    my email address is atagirlone@aol.com. I don't check this blog out that much this is why it took me so long to repond.

    Thanks again,
    Linda

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    ohio,
    Posts
    15

    Arrow i agree

    This child will always want to have their parent in their life,irregardless of adoption laws.I would suggest being a friend as well as a parent. The first post was a very good one. I would hold onto those thoughts.

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