Inter-Family Adoption Concerns

[Boxman]

Hello All,

My name is John and I am desperately looking for input regarding the situation that my wife and I are in...

The History:

I am 40 and my wife is 36. We have been married for two years and both agree that we would love to have a baby of our own. We have been going through testing (i.e. sperm counts, ob-gyn HCG dye scanning, etc.) After two years with no luck, my wife finds out from her test that she has only one fallopian tube and the her uterus is unicornuate. Not that these things make it impossible, just maybe a reason why haven't conceived yet. I want the baby to be a product of our genes, I believe she feels that same but would also be just as happy with an adoptive baby.

The Dilemma:

My wifes sister tells us yesterday that she is pregnant and offers us the baby. She is 38 years old, living separated by 3 houses from her husband who is gay and has his own relationship. She is basically a single mother of 2 girls (7 & 9) who doesn't feel she can handle another child emotionally or financially. The father of this baby is from a guy she slept with 2 months ago who is now long gone. (and a little mentally unstable, I might add).

Our living situation is unique to boot. My wife and I own a duplex and my wifes parents live on the other side. The sister lives across the street in a duplex that is rented for her by her 'husband', who lives in a rented duplex 3 houses up from her.

My wife and her sister are both a product of the same scenario I am discussing right now. They were adopted by their biological mothers sister (aunt). Also, my wife had an abortion about 6 years ago and told me that she regrets it every day. She feels that especially now that we are having issues getting pregnant that she may have missed out on her only chance to have a child of her own. She also doesn't want her sister to have to go through the emotional struggle she endures. The sister said she doesn't want an abortion, and doesn't think she could handle giving the baby to an 'unknown' recipient.

Issues / Concerns:

• Sister is 38 years old and smokes.

• Sister is obese (5'3" ; 300+ lbs). Birth complications and defects are exponentially increased. Her health and the baby's could at risk.

• Sister lives across the street with 2 girls that would actually be the baby's sisters.

• The father of the baby hasn't been told. Although sister says, he'd just say get an abortion. The reason he left his last girlfriend was because she was pregnant.

• I don't know anything about his medical and family background.

• Emotional issues that are sure to arise with sister actually giving up baby.

• Issues with her seeing us raise her child every single day.

• My wife wants a baby, she wants to help her sister and she wants spare her sister the anguish of abortion.

• The effect this will all have on our own attempts at pregnancy. Will my wife give up efforts to conceive?

• It now seems the ball is in my court. My wife is ready to say yes, her sister said anything else would be selfish, considering how we have been trying to have a baby. I either say yes and accept all this or dissapoint my wife and be responsible for her sister being pushed to abort or give the baby away to an unknown.

I am so stressed about this thing and my emotions are all over the board. My stomach is in knots. I just hate the thought that she would consider termination. If I say no, will this have been our only chance to have a baby? Arghhhh....

[Crick]

Wow...big dilemma...

Here's my thoughts...

Kinship/family adoptions come with their own set of adoption concerns and issues. Many of which you listed; the relationship between you all, the family connection, the close proximity etc.

What I also want to bring up is...
1. First and foremost, regardless of anyone's opinion of the father of the child, he has rights. Legally he must be informed that he has a child on the way and he needs to decide if he wants to parent that child. If he does, then he absolutely has that right, and that would involve custody/child support decisions between him and your wife's sister. If he doesn't want to parent, his parental rights would need to be terminated. That requires a legal court process.

2. No one can put this decision to be made anywhere but with the sister. She alone needs to decide what she wants to do based on her own feelings and needs. Your wife & you really should not be involved in the decision regarding this child. It's not only her right but her responsibility. Before you and your wife can really consider adoption, she needs to decide for herself and her child what she really wants to do. I understand your wife not wanting her to abort the child so is willing to adopt the child to prevent that from happening. However, what this can lead to later is her sister resenting her and feeling like she had no control over her decision. Maybe too, she is too overwhelmed right now to consider parenting the baby, but as emotionally charged things are right now, she might not be thinking it's even a possibility...that she will want to have another child and parent that child.

3. Would you tell the child that she is adopted? That her aunt is her birth mom and her cousins are her birth sisters? Are you prepared to be honest and provide a healthy living environment for the child who will have questions and possibly grief over not being raised with her family across the street?

4. What I hear from your post is that you see this situation more as a "problem" and not as a "I might be a dad through adoption!" Do you really want to adopt a child? At all? It sounds like you are still hoping for a biological child. Which is fine...but you need to be absolutely certain that you want to adopt ANY child, because if you don't, no matter how hard you try, the child will know this and will suffer because of that. I'm not saying you would deliberately resent or not love the child etc. I'm just saying that if you make this decision ONLY because you want to "save" the child or help your sister in law etc., I fear that in your heart of hearts, you won't really see that child as yours and love that child as your true child.

What I would strongly recommend is that your sister in law see a counselor. Not an adoption counselor working for an adoption agency, but one that is neutral and can help her decide what she wants to do.

I'd also recommend that if you decide to do this, that you contact a famiy/adoption attorney to see what the laws in your state are and to make sure that everyone's rights are protected.

I also think if you do decide to do this...it's much better to have a clear cut idea on paper of what kind of relationship everyone has with the child and how it will work. For example, if you make a decision regarding the child that the sister in law disagrees with, what will happen? How will you handle that? Will the expectations be put down that make it clear for everyone involved?

Personally...if it were me...I'd try to talk to her about parenting first, and seeing how I might help her do that. If it's because she'll feel overwhelmed, then I'd help her with childcare or a better job etc. things to make it better for her and her children.
I say this because I think it will be really difficult for a child growing up in this situation. Maybe I'm wrong...just my opinion on that.

You might also consider counselling for you and your wife. Sounds like you are both on 2 different sides of how you want to have a family. Maybe someone neutral can help you both see what you really want and how to achieve that. Raising children is sometimes difficult on even the best of marriages. So when you add all the other factors you have, it will certainly add to it. And at the crux of it all, will be an innocent child who takes the brunt of it all..

Sorry so long...

[Patti]

I always pray about everything. My suggestion is to pray.

Hello All,

My name is John and I am desperately looking for input regarding the situation that my wife and I are in...

The History:

I am 40 and my wife is 36. We have been married for two years and both agree that we would love to have a baby of our own. We have been going through testing (i.e. sperm counts, ob-gyn HCG dye scanning, etc.) After two years with no luck, my wife finds out from her test that she has only one fallopian tube and the her uterus is unicornuate. Not that these things make it impossible, just maybe a reason why haven't conceived yet. I want the baby to be a product of our genes, I believe she feels that same but would also be just as happy with an adoptive baby.

The Dilemma:

My wifes sister tells us yesterday that she is pregnant and offers us the baby. She is 38 years old, living separated by 3 houses from her husband who is gay and has his own relationship. She is basically a single mother of 2 girls (7 & 9) who doesn't feel she can handle another child emotionally or financially. The father of this baby is from a guy she slept with 2 months ago who is now long gone. (and a little mentally unstable, I might add).

Our living situation is unique to boot. My wife and I own a duplex and my wifes parents live on the other side. The sister lives across the street in a duplex that is rented for her by her 'husband', who lives in a rented duplex 3 houses up from her.

My wife and her sister are both a product of the same scenario I am discussing right now. They were adopted by their biological mothers sister (aunt). Also, my wife had an abortion about 6 years ago and told me that she regrets it every day. She feels that especially now that we are having issues getting pregnant that she may have missed out on her only chance to have a child of her own. She also doesn't want her sister to have to go through the emotional struggle she endures. The sister said she doesn't want an abortion, and doesn't think she could handle giving the baby to an 'unknown' recipient.

Issues / Concerns:

• Sister is 38 years old and smokes.

• Sister is obese (5'3" ; 300+ lbs). Birth complications and defects are exponentially increased. Her health and the baby's could at risk.

• Sister lives across the street with 2 girls that would actually be the baby's sisters.

• The father of the baby hasn't been told. Although sister says, he'd just say get an abortion. The reason he left his last girlfriend was because she was pregnant.

• I don't know anything about his medical and family background.

• Emotional issues that are sure to arise with sister actually giving up baby.

• Issues with her seeing us raise her child every single day.

• My wife wants a baby, she wants to help her sister and she wants spare her sister the anguish of abortion.

• The effect this will all have on our own attempts at pregnancy. Will my wife give up efforts to conceive?

• It now seems the ball is in my court. My wife is ready to say yes, her sister said anything else would be selfish, considering how we have been trying to have a baby. I either say yes and accept all this or dissapoint my wife and be responsible for her sister being pushed to abort or give the baby away to an unknown.

I am so stressed about this thing and my emotions are all over the board. My stomach is in knots. I just hate the thought that she would consider termination. If I say no, will this have been our only chance to have a baby? Arghhhh....

[Mierepi]

is this site active to talk with john and his wife it has 2007 date on it

[Administrator]

The thread is still open. If John still an active email it's possible he could still respond.