Chris' Reflections & Thoughts on Searching

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Chris' Reflections & Thoughts on Searching
....a search in progress
Hi everybody this is Chris from Alaska. I'm on Douglas island off the south coast of Alaska and had been looking for my birthmom fulltime since last February. Anyways, I'm not looking for any advice or anything I just wanted to share my story. Although knowing since early childhood that I was adopted, I had never been more than mildly curious about my birthmom. I had taken the stand when I was old enough to reason it out that she had rejected me for some selfish reason and as hard as it is for many adoptees to cope with those issues, even subconsciously, I was able to mostly put it out of my life throughout my childhood and adolescent years. And I think in many ways, it was a good thing because one of the vague things I can recall as I competed in football, hockey & baseball from kindergarten through H.S in MN (my birth place) as a very gifted athlete was that when I did think of my birthmom on rare occasions it drove me to higher levels of playing with a barely conscious 'Look what you're missing! You're missing out on watching me win another football game on the last play of the game, your missing out on watching me strike out 15 other 14yro kids in a state championship game, your missing me on statewide TV score a goal in the big game...' I can vaguely recall her shadowy, rejecting image motivating me in that way. In reality, it was me grudgingly wishing she was at one of my games, somewhere in the stands cheering for me along with the thousands-sometimes tens of thousands of other people who attended my countless games in three sports growing up over 18yrs. But as I grew and matured those old infrequent thoughts ebbed away and I lived my life with a vengeance.

Out of H.S. I promptly shattered my adoptive parent's (Who were and STILL Are the greatest parents anyone could ever hope for) dreams by stating I wasn't going to college but instead down to a cattle ranch in Wyoming to be a cowboy! Anyways that started me on a terrific waltz through life that has given me a beautiful daughter aged 12 and landed me here in the most beautiful place on earth -- Alaska. My adventures in between being a cowboy 20 years ago and being a single parent/freelance photographer today would fill a book. Last February (My birthdate is: 2-8-62) I had a dream about my birthmom. It was so powerful I was compelled to try to find her. I realized that my marvelous life has only been possible because she made a decision to give me my life 38yrs ago. I had to try to find her. To see if she's alright. To Thank her. To tell her how much her lonely sacrifice meant and means to me. To tell her how much I love her for having the courage to do what she did. To tell her about her wonderful granddaughter... I only recall my adoptive mom telling me all she knew about my birthmom was that she wasn't married at the time of my birth.

And so began an epic journey for me as I remember that morning after the dream. I started with absolutely nothing other than my adopted name and birthdate. Mine was a closed adoption and in 1962 it was an extremely shameful thing for an unmarried woman to be pregnant much less try to raise a fatherless child in the eyes of society. I recall now as I eagerly dove into the internet to begin my search of online reunion registries & databases. My enthusiasm brought me back to my youth. Although I spent many of my younger years researching the JFK assassination and consider it to be the ultimate mystery of the century-this mystery-my mystery, would be an exciting-and demanding one to unravel-but the dream lent it a sense of urgency. I didn't realize how much I would grow and come to learn about myself as I embarked on this lonely quest. Or how much emotional energy I would need for it. And so my journey was one in which I obsessed in.

I stopped working. I spent 12-18hrs a day tediously searching internet adoption reunion registries. Looking for her. Listing myself. Awed by the scope and magnitude of the thriving and growing search and reunion movement, I got caught up in it. Being a man of God and up against a brick wall ("Oh you can apply for your sealed records-when your 65yrs old"-Hennepin County adoption clerk, 1st ph. call) God graced me with the answer to my pleading prayers. In a stunning, against-all-odds legal decision which set a precedent for Hennepin County(MN's Largest county)two separate judges granted my petition for release of my original birth certificate and sealed adoption files. Ah the power of prayer! I remember the exhilaration and joy I felt as I looked at my birthmom's handwriting on my obc. After having her state of birth and maiden name I traced her only brother. He was out of town when I called but a neighbor of his was over checking on his place and answered the phone. He told me the brother had gone into a nearby town to visit his folks graves and would be gone for the weekend. When I queried about the brother's sister the neighbor said that he'd known the brother for almost 15yrs and he'd mentioned he'd had a sister who'd been a teacher at some local college but that was over 20 years ago. He couldn't recall the brother ever mentioning her again. Something was wrong. The dreadful possibility that she might not be living crossed my mind. What the neighbor told me gave the brother away as being my birthmom's brother-my uncle. When I finally reached her brother by phone and explained to him why I was doing what I was doing and who I was he would only hang up. Call after call. He never acknowledged the certified letter he signed for & received with all my official documents. Never sent a picture of her back in the SASE I sent him. Something was wrong. I decided to search the social security death records database. To my shocking dismay a listing came up with my bmom's same first name and state & date of birth as well as a SSN issued in her state of birth. It indicated she had died in Mpls,MN in June of 1976. I was devastated. She's been dead for over 20 years! What happened? She would've only been 42yrs old. I would've only been 14. How could I have come this far only to find I never had a chance to find her? I wept in despair. What's it all been for? Everything I did was all for nothing. After taking a day off to grieve and pray and contemplate I decided to try to follow up on one last lead.

On a hunch I did an internet search for cemetaries in the town the neighbor told me the brother went to. There were two. I hit on the first one when the attendant told me there were indeed a husband-wife pair buried there with the same last name as my birthmother. A call to the mortuary brought me from the depths of utter defeat to the reviving thrill of life. At the 1986 burial of her mom, both my birthmom and her brother were listed as survivors and it also had my birthmom's husband listed. She was alive! My search wasn't over! With the information from the funeral home I was again on the trail and quickly now I began to piece together the sad and wandering years of my birthmother's life. I was the only child she ever had. I tracked her across six states and through two marriages covering a 38 year span-since my birth. She spent the bulk of that time living off inheritance money in Reno where she invested and bet on horses. She and the brother got into a bitter fight over the parents estate when their mom died and that explained why he won't talk to me about her. When the money ran out she divorced her husband as he was dying of cancer. And the irony of it all is, as I came into contact with different people who had known her here and there through the years--they were all extremely nice people--I was pleasantly surprised--all of them to a tee-would finally admit after talking about her with me, that they really didn't like her very much. They said it almost in an embarrassed tone. No one I encountered had anything good to say about her. I gathered she wasn't a likeable woman. I sense happiness has been very elusive to her throughout most of her life. Anyways, I know she was an educated woman because she'd been a H.S. teacher of 26yro at the time of my birth and later taught a course in economics at a state college for over 10yrs.

After losing her trail after her divorce to her 2nd husband in 1989 I decided to hire a searcher. I hired the best. 20years of searching for birth parents & adoptees with a 95% success rate. I passed along all the info I'd accumulated. She said she'd have her address in 2 weeks. In less than a week she told me that my birthmom doesn't have a social security number-or isn't using the right one. The nail-em-everytime SSN search is always a winner. Not this time. Only twice had my searcher encountered a negative return with as much info as I'd given her. She never found either person. But she was determined not to give up. She went beyond the call of duty in my search, in turn becoming obsessed as I was. Emotionally exhausted, broke, my life in a holding pattern for the last year, I finally realized I had to get on with my life. I have been asked to do a political science class on the JFK Assassination at our community school and would have to start concentrating on that. As I've prepared for that I've been able to reflect on all the good and wondrous things this search has brought me and taught me. All of the great people I've met. So many of the answers to my life's questions. I have begun to feel as though it was all about the journey of searching. For me anyway. It is probably best if I don't find my birthmom. She has not attempted to find me and may not want to be found. And I am so grateful for what I have been able to get out of this rollercoaster journey into my roots. I was just starting to get comfortable with that-accepting that this is best for everyone-that we never meet. Because it really was never supposed to be. Last week my searcher called to tell me she'd found my birthmom.

She's living in Tuscon, Arizona. I have her address and her SSN. I have her previous 3 addresses. Her phone number's not listed. So, now that I've written a short novel, the real adventure begins! Whether to attempt contact. It might be the better part of valor to let it go. We probably wouldn't like each other very much. But I thought I'd share my story up to this point with you. I feel better for having done so. I conducted my search almost entirely from my home here on Douglas island in Alaska. For those searching, don't ever give up. Prayer can't hurt. For those of you who have any q's about how I obtained my sealed files & obc please don't hesitate to contact me. For those of you in various stages of reunion I wish you the best. To everyone who participates by being supportive, you're certainly blessed and we thank you.

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