Journey to Openness!

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Journey to Openness: An adoption story by birthmother

Journey to Openness!

I am an older birthmother than most. In fact, I feel like a grandmother when I go to some birthmother support groups and meet other birthmothers who are in their teens or early twenties. I was thirty three years old and unmarried when I met Bobby's birthfather through an ad in the Personals section of the newspaper. Many people in our area of the country use the Personals to meet eligible companions or dates. Because I don't drink or smoke, I don't go to bars to meet people. As a registered nurse who works full time, I don't have a lot of time for clubs and organizations nor do I go to church, so the Personals was an alternative I had to make some new contacts.

We had been dating for about nine months to a year when I found out I was pregnant. When I told the birthfather of my pregnancy, that was the end of our relationship. Part of the reason could have been that Bob's birthfather is black, and I am white. I never heard from him again in spite of the fact that I let him know when Bobby was born and that the delivery was so difficult, I was in the intensive care unit. His family has also never acknowledged Bobby's existence. I have sent them pictures and a short letter every year, but there has been no response. It may be because he is a mixed race child. I don't know. All I know is that I've done my part, and I am at peace with myself.

It was a new year, 1986. I was pregnant with a biracial child and alone. I knew myself well enough to know there was no way I could be a single parent. By chance, a former roommate had told me about open adoption. I knew the best thing I could do for my child was to have him adopted in an open arrangement. I contacted an attorney my friend had used and had found so helpful. He has a great birthmother booklet, which describes adoption and some of the feelings and experiences which are part of adoption. Unfortunately, everyone wants a white baby. When you are carrying a biracial child, your choices dwindle to almost nothing. I felt devastated that my baby was being rejected before he was even born. When he could not find me a family, the attorney referred me to an agency. They found two families for me. One did not work out because the extended family did not want a biracial child, and the other one did not work out because their definition of an open adoption was too rigid for me. I was already seven months pregnant when the agency referred me to another attorney. When he told me about the Smith family, it sounded like the Brady bunch. They had four kids of their own and even had a grandchild already. It was wonderful when we met. Sue, the adoptive mom, and I could be sisters we're so much alike. We both talk a lot and are extroverted. I think birthmothers tend to choose an adoptive family which is like their own personality. During my whole pregnancy, I was part of a birthmother's support group. I can't say enough about the counseling I have received. Now that I am four years post-birth, I still go back to let the other birthmothers know that you can and do survive. A lot of times you feel like you're the only one in this situation. I feel that counseling should be mandatory for all birthmothers and adoptive parents.

On January 10, 1987 Bobby was born. The Smiths were with me during the whole difficult labor. It seemed like an eternity before they decided to perform an emergency Caesarian delivery. I was so sick after the birth. I had to spend the night in the Intensive Care Unit and was in the hospital for nearly a week. The Smiths came often, and they took Bobby home before I left the hospital. I saw Bobby when he was two weeks old and again when he was two months old. I was feeling very depressed during that visit. My mother came with me. I knew the time to sign the final papers for the relinquishment was coming. I felt guilty and depressed, but I was not being honest about my feelings. I should have left and come back another day. Instead, I stayed through the dinner, and pretended everything was OK. After my second visit, I felt I needed a "cooling out" period. I did not see the Smiths for six months. It was hard because I missed Bob and the Smiths dreadfully, but I had to come to terms with my own feelings of guilt and loss. After six months, I realized how hard I had worked for an open adoption, and that I had made a commitment to the Smiths and to Bobby. I resumed contact in March 1988, and it has been great since then.

I became involved with some birthmother support groups and started seeing the Smiths about once every month or two. We now have a wonderful, close relationship; and I am feeling the best I ever have about me and the Smith's open adoption with Bob.

In August of 1989 I met John though another ad in the Personals. My friends thought I was crazy because that's how I met Bobby's birthfather. "Just because you have one bad experience," I explained to them, "is no reason not to try again." I was up-front right from the beginning about having a biracial birthchild. I feel as if that is an important part of who-I-am; and I wanted a relationship with someone who could accept all of me. John and I fell in love. Eight months after we met, we married. John's a great family man. He accepts and loves me -- all of me -- for who I am. He's supportive of my relationship with Bobby and the Smiths.Our son, Jim, was born by Caesarean section last year. He was born at the same hospital as Bobby, and I confess I had a hard time for a little while after the birth. I couldn't help thinking of Bobby and all the things I was doing with Jim that I had missed with Bobby.One thing is for sure. No way could I have ever been a single parent! It is all the two of us can do to handle jobs and caring for Jim. I don't see how single parents manage. We're very busy with our son, but we wouldn't have it any other way. I talk at informational meetings for adoptive parents, and one question I am asked often is: Now that you are married and secure, don't you want to take Bobby back? I tell the adoptive parents: #1 Bob is adopted. Bobby's mom and dad are Sue and Sam. #2 Morally and ethically I would rather jump off a bridge than reclaim him. (It is illegal, anyway.) #3 If I had both Bob and Jim, I would jump off a bridge. (Don't get me wrong, I love them both dearly , but 2 kids? Oy vay!) I am concerned that Bobby will think he was relinquished because he is black and Jim was kept because he is white, rather than the real issues which were my circumstances at the time of the pregnancy and birth. If he can't understand this and rejects me, I'll have to accept that. I will let him know that I plan to continue my relationship with the Smiths, because they are family now. I will be there to answer questions and to support Bob and the Smiths in any way I can. I think it is important to keep contact. It is something I worked hard to arrange, and even though contact is difficult to maintain now that my life is more involved, I know the commitment to Bobby and the Smiths is important. I don't want Bobby to feel he has been abandoned twice. If anyone had told me in 1986 what my life would be like today, I would have laughed. I cannot believe my good fortune. My life is full and rich. In a way, I feel like a pioneer. I want to dispel the myths surrounding adoption. I plan to continue speaking out for open adoption!