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I met Donna one night when we were both at a club listening to a band. I'm a rock musician, and I love music. I liked her and she liked me; but after three dates, I realized that her life-style turned me off. I had no plans to see her again.
Then it happened! About three months later, I received a phone call from Donna. "I'm pregnant, and I know you are the father, " she declared. I was stunned. "Oh God, " I thought, "I don't want to have a kid now. I'm too young. " I knew I did not make enough money to support a family and besides, when I have a family, I want to do it the "right" way--with a wife I love and who loves me.
"How about getting an abortion? " I suggested to Donna. "I don't believe in abortion, " she responded. Now what? The situation seemed hopeless. I did not know what to do.
Then, a while later, Donna called to say she had met a couple who were willing to adopt the baby. They wanted to come up and meet me. I said, "OK. " Debbie came up to my place with John and Sarah. I really fell in love with them. They are older and successful. I knew the baby would have a great environment to grow up. That was a big relief!
I never saw Donna again after that meeting, nor have I talked to her. I tried to get to the hospital for Ellen's birth, but I could not get a ride. Donna was pretty angry about that, I heard.
I told my mom about the pregnancy. She did not know Donna, and she was not very happy about the situation at first. Now that she has come to know and love John and Sarah, she's happy to have a relationship with them and Ellen.
After Ellen was born I saw her once, but I do not remember it. The only reason I know I saw her is because I have a picture of me holding her when she was tiny. Now it's different. She's a little girl--a person.
She's beautiful and neat--she looks just like me. (I hope she won't look like Donna. )
I'm so glad Ellen is in this world. I love her, and every time I see her, I want to cry. I wish I could take her home with me, but they are doing a great job with Ellen, and she's their child now.
I'm just glad they are so open with me and include me. Sometimes I wonder if John gets worried when Ellen kisses me, because I am the birthfather. But John will always be "Daddy. "
Maybe I'll be the "good guy" and he'll be the "bad guy" because he has to discipline her. We're different, but we get along great, and we can each contribute to Ellen. He's successful and really has his life together. I'm young and still having fun.
I have a new girlfriend now. Girls are funny about my having a birthdaughter. Some have felt that it was taking something away from them--my having a kid. The girl I'm dating now is very understanding. She watched a video John made of me and Ellen on my twenty-fifth birthday. She thinks Ellen is cute, but she does not want to get married or have kids for a long time.
In the meantime, I'm happy to watch Ellen grow. Ellen is lucky. She has two fathers who love her.
I used to own a yogurt shop there, and my relationship with Sarah, who was to become my wife, began there. Sarah was a nurse, and used to come in after work for yogurt. Sarah and I had known each other for about five years when we got married in November 1983. I was managing a jewelry store before buying my own store, where I now work.
We both wanted children. We just assumed Sarah would get pregnant. When she did not get pregnant, we began a series of escalating infertility procedures which culminated with six failed inseminations. Sarah was taking Pergonal, a fertility drug; and it made her miserable. She had to give herself shots. Her mood swings were extreme. It was hard on both of us, especially the disappointment as each month terminated with no pregnancy.
She did get pregnant one time, but three weeks later, she had a miscarriage. I think this was a turning point for Sarah. After that experience, we were both ready to pursue
Our first stop was the county agency. They had a lot of rules, and we could not qualify because our combined ages were more than 70.
At that point we heard about an independent adoption facilitator. We paid her $500. 00 to get started. She showed us how to place ads in the newspapers. We placed ads in five papers: "Birthmothers: we are a childless couple. Are you considering alternatives? " We got some pretty funny calls. Some men called wanting to offer stud service, and some women called about being surrogates. We changed to another, local newspaper, and we got a phone call from a women named Donna, who was four months pregnant. Donna had already had one of her children--a son--adopted about three years prior to this.
We arranged a meeting with Debbie in a restaurant. Our adoption facilitator was there too. Debbie told us she had been in jail on and off and had also used drugs. We were very concerned because she had had an abortion a year or so previous because she had been pregnant with a child who had birth defects.
On the way back to our house after the meeting, Sarah and I discussed the situation. We felt that Donna was sincere in wanting to find a good home for her child. We agreed that we could go through with the adoption if Debbie had a sonogram and agreed to a drug test.
We met our adoption facilitator back at our house. She said she would not touch the situation "with a ten foot pole" so we decided to let our adoption facilitator go and pursue the adoption on our own. By that time we were in an adoption support group, and we knew other people who could advise us about the necessary procedures.
Donna agreed to a sonogram and to a drug test. The sonogram revealed a healthy little girl. What a relief.
We had only one other request --to meet the birthfather. We knew he did not want to marry Donna, and that the pregnancy had resulted from a "one-night-stand. " Donna had shown us pictures of the birthfather, Tom, so we were not too shocked by his long blond hair when we met him. He works as a bicycle messenger. He also plays guitar in a rock band, and he has pictures of rock musicians all over his walls. He's intelligent and gregarious--very likable.
We stayed in close touch with Oonna during her pregnancy. She had two episodes of "false labor. " I drove her to the hospital once, thinking she was going to deliver right in my car! I've never been so nervous in my life.
Donna was scheduled for a Caesarean delivery because she had herpes. On Wednesday night, April 26, 1989, she went into labor; and the woman she lived with I rushed her to the hospital.
Sarah and I raced to the hospital too. Donna let Sarah go into the labor and delivery room with her, but she requested I wait in the hallway. I could hear everything that was going on, though.
As Ellen was being born early Thursday morning, I heard an urgent voice exclaim, "Oh, there's meconium! " I knew this could be serious, because Sarah had a friend who almost lost her baby because the baby had aspirated meconium (This is the baby's first BM, which can be aspirated while the baby is in utero). I could hear a lot of commotion as they intubated and suctioned the baby. It seemed like an eternity before I heard her cry. I breathed a big sigh of relief.
Soon Sarah and the nurse brought Ellen out to me. She was a red kid, and her mouth was stretched out from the intubation. I always thought all newborns were ugly, but she looked pretty good to me. She was beautiful!
We carried her to the nursery, and they allowed us to feed her. We did not bring her home until the next day, because Sarah wanted to spend the day with her.
It was rush-hour traffic on Friday afternoon when she was finally released from the hospital. I will no never forget that day or the ride home. Sarah and I had held in our emotions while we were all in the hospital; there were so many people around. Now we were alone; it was the first time we were alone--the three of us together; Sarah and I in the front seat, and Ellen safely strapped in her baby car seat in the back. We looked at each other and just began laughing and crying.
Anyone who looked at us, as we inched our way home in the traffic, must have thought we were crazy. What a happy ride it was!
Donna has only requested two visits with us. One visit took place one month after the birth. The only other time she's seen Ellen was when she had a new boyfriend and wanted us to have a picnic with them and with the family who adopted her son. Her son was four years old at that time. The family who adopted him agreed to come to a picnic and meet with us. It was wonderful for us to get to know Ellen's half brother. We wanted to meet with the adoptive family again, but they have been reluctant. In any event, we have requested that they let us know if they move. I think Ellen might like to have a relationship with him when they are both older.
Our relationship with Tom and with his mother (Ellen's birth grandmother) is one which has grown over the years. The first time he came to see her, she was two months old. He seemed nervous and did not want to hold her.
Now she is becoming her own person. She dances and plays around on the piano and hugs Tom. Tom jokes about having her play keyboard in his band. I can tell he is proud of her, and this makes me feel happy. Like any dad, I want to see my daughter happy. I hope Ellen forms good relationships with all of us, and I hope Tom continues to be interested in and proud of Ellen.
Sarah and I are not sure about another adoption. Sarah occasionally talks about experiencing a pregnancy. I feel as if I've already experienced a pregnancy--as much as a man can anyway--having gone through most of Donna's pregnancy with her.
I have other concerns too. I wonder if we're ready to go through all the shots and medical procedures again, and I wonder if Ellen might feel "left-out" if we had a biological child.
I see other dads who have biological children and who love their children deeply. All I know is that no one loves his child more than I love Ellen.
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