Being a Birthparent

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Being a Birthparent:
Finding our Place By Brenda Romanchik

[A Pocket Guide Booklet]

17 page booklet ...
Pocket Guides are ideal to give a concise introduction to many different adoption issues. Counselors, educators and adoption professionals can use these guides as a springboard for discussion in pregnancy counseling or adoptive parent education.
Volume discounts available. Phone toll-free 1-888-490-4600.

Topics Covered
A Birthparent's Role
Principles to Follow
Birthparent Transformation
**Beginning
**Spiritual Transformation
**The Birth
**Grief
**The Transforming Power of Shame
**Healthy Transformation
Other Resources for Birthparents

Sample:
A Birthparent's Role
I can still remember Mother's Day the year my son was born. It was a holiday I was dreading, a cruel reminder of all that I had given up.

One of my first stops was at a friend's house. When her mother greeted me with a big hug and a heartfelt Happy Mother's Day, I told her that I had no right to be called a mother to a son I wasn't raising. She responded by angrily telling me that giving birth to a child gave me plenty of right, whether I was raising the child or not, and denying myself that right was like denying he was ever born. In the years since I have come to realize that she was right. In anticipation of that first Mother's Day I had spent all my time focusing on what I was not to my son, completely ignoring all that I am to him.

Given the messages that most birthparents receive during the planning process, it is not surprising that they struggle with their role. Open adoption is rarely presented to birthparents as a child-centered option. Instead of focusing on why birthparent involvement is important in the life of the child, prospective birthparents are told by agencies that they can "choose as little or as much contact as they are comfortable with having." Unfortunately doing "whatever you are comfortable with" does not take the needs of the child into consideration. Open adoption needs to be about adoptive parents and birthparents both making a commitment to be a positive, committed presence in the life of the child.

The darkness of grief often makes it difficult for birthparents to see what they have to offer. By relinquishing their right to parent, many may feel as if their work is done. Society tends to reinforce this by portraying good birthparents as silent participants.

In addition, birthparents may be struggling with the inner demons of shame and guilt and may not feel worthy of a relationship with their children. They may also have family and friends who are not very supportive of their decision and make it difficult for them to feel good about continued contact.

Visits may be difficult as well. I can remember my first visit to see Matthew when he was seven months old. It was painful to have him view me as a stranger, not to be able to comfort him when he cried, even to be the source of his tears. It was not until after we had established our own relationship that visits became easier, and it wasn't until he was three years old that I stopped crying every time I left him. It is no wonder that many new birthparents greet each visit with nervous anticipation.

As much as birthparents want to see their children, many feel uncertain about their place in their children's lives. It is important in the beginning that birthparents are told that they are valuable for a number of reasons.

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