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Susan Cross remembers the evening her 6-year-old son was brushing his teeth and matter-of-factly said to his younger sister, "I came from Mommy's tummy and you didn't."
The remark didn't phase Cross' 3-year-old daughter, but it sure made an impression on Cross.
"What was so remarkable about the comment was how unremarkable it was," she said. "He was just brushing his teeth and out this statement comes. I didn't say anything and the next thing he says is why can't he stay up until 8:30. A lot of times, curiosity among children about adoption disappears as quickly as it surfaces."
But adoptive parents tend to brood over how much to say about adoption, how to explain to the adopted child how they fit in the family, or what happened to their birth parent, said Cross, a Los Angeles child psychologist.
"This is the kind of thing that strikes fear in the heart of adoptive parents," Cross told a small group of people at Saturday's Adoption Forum, sponsored by Bakersfield adoption attorney Marc Widelock.
The forum dealt with changes in adoption law, as well as tips from Cross on dealing with the inevitable questions and issues that arise in families with adopted children.
The basic rule of thumb is to address the adoption issue early and answer questions as they come up as honestly as possible, Cross said. Don't overwhelm the child with too much information, but provide open and positive information when they ask, she said.
"You can learn a lot about children by listening to their questions," Cross said. " That's where you learn what they are thinking or feeling about adoption. The listening part is just as important as the talking part during these discussions."
Some adopted children are very curious about it and others are not, Cross said. Some children become more curious as they mature. But, if the subject is addressed early and often, it is less of a problem, she said.
"I always had a fear of saying the wrong thing, that some word would slip out that would be the wrong word and would alienate or upset my child," Cross said. "But now I think there really is no wrong word, as long as you talk openly and honestly with your child, depending on the readiness of the child and what level of interest they have."
The age-old question of favoritism among biological and adopted children within the family is not easily solved, she said. But by emphasizing everyone as a family you can overcome perceived differences among children.
Widelock, whose practice is exclusively private adoptions, outlined some changes in adoption law that require more involvement by licensed adoption agencies or social workers in private adoptions.
Statewide, most adoptions are still handled by public agencies. In 1993-94, there were 6,097 adoptions in California, 3,243 by public agencies, according to the state Department of Social Services.
Another 2,443 children were adopted privately, usually through attorneys who arrange adoptions between birth mothers and adoptive parents. The remaining 411 adoptions were through private agencies licensed by the state.
In Kern County, 977 children were adopted through the Kern County Human Services Department in 1993-94, while 55 were adopted privately, according to state statistics.
Widelock handles about 100 private adoptions a year throughout California. The average cost, he said, is $10,000 to $15,000, although a new adoption law could increase those costs. He also addressed concerns about birth mothers changing their minds or fighting to regain custody of children. Widelock said that occurs in only 2-3 percent of cases before birth, and about 1 percent after the birth.
"But once that mother signs over her consent, 99 percent of the time her chances of getting that baby back are slim and none, despite some of the cases you hear about in the media," Widelock said.
"And, 99 percent of the time, the birth mother goes on with her life. She is not going to stalk you and jump out of the bush and say, "That is my child."
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