A Parent's Guide to Adoption Disruption & Dissolution - DURING
How do I prepare my child? The child's best interests must be kept uppermost throughout the process of disruption or dissolution. "Best interests" has been legally defined as "safety first," which includes psychological safety. The child must be gently informed that he or she will not be living at home anymore, but that he will have a place to live with enough food, and people to care for him. A therapist can help you find the right words that are honest, age-appropriate, and framed as kindly as possible. For example, it is much better for the child to be told that continuing the adoption is not safe for everyone, than to say that the adoption is over because the child starts fires. There will be a time later to deal with the behaviors that caused the disruption. Right now, the child needs to know that he will continue to be cared for and that the decision is difficult but necessary.
When it actually comes time for the child to leave, parents should pack the child's belongings in suitcases and backpacks, not garbage bags and sacks. Garbage should go into garbage bags, not a child's possessions. Care should be taken to remember all of the child's belongings, including the adoption
lifebook or scrapbook. You are part of the child's past forever, and he will want to have mementos of his time with you, including photographs. Give these personal items to the child's social worker who will decide when it is appropriate to give them to the child.
Make sure the child eats a good meal before the social worker arrives to take him to his next placement. Make the good-byes short, simple, and as calm as possible. The final words should be honest, positive, and recognize the feelings that are present. For example, you might say something like, "Susan, I am sorry that the adoption cannot continue. I know you are sad. We are sad, too, but we believe that this is the best thing to do. I hope that you are very happy in your next home. You have a beautiful smile so let your new family see that smile everyday. Good-bye, Susan."
Next: After Disruption: Now What? © Rita Laws and Nancy Ashe. This copyrighted article may be printed for private family use and for one-time reproduction in the print newsletters of non-profit adoption support groups and non-profit agencies with appropriate credit to author and web site. This notice must remain with the printed copy. ALL other uses require written permission.
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4 More of this Feature •
Introduction •
BEFORE: Answers to First Questions •
AFTER: Now what? Glossary •
Adoption Disruption •
Adoption Dissolution •
Residential Treatment Related Resources •
Adoption Laws •
Interstate Compact •
Subsidies/Assistance Payments
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