A Parent's Guide to Adoption Disruption and Dissolution - AFTER
What should I do after the disruption? Give yourself time to grieve. The emotional pain of a disruption has been compared to that of a miscarriage or stillbirth. Obviously, no one dies as the result of a failed adoption, but something dies: the parent-child relationship. The dream of raising this son or daughter evaporates. In one moment, the future is changed forever. You were a parent and now you are not. Worse still, you may be subject to harsh criticism from people who do not or cannot understand the situation, even one or two from your own adoption support group. You may be accused of not being "committed" enough, or of quitting too soon. This is so much salt rubbed in the wound.
Parents, grandparents, siblings, and all family members must grieve the loss after a disruption. Knowing it was best for all concerned does not change the fact that a loss has occurred. There will be feelings of sadness, disbelief, anger, relief, and guilt. It will take time to work through these feelings.
Keep the lines of communication open, especially with the other children in the home. Reassure them over and over that the disruption is not their fault. They need to hear this. Explain to them in simple and honest ways why the disruption was necessary. They may wonder if their adoptions might be disrupted next, so assure them that this is not the case.
Kids can assume strange things so it is important to listen to their feelings and answer their questions. A few months after I adopted a 5 year old, his new big sister moved out of the house to go to college. That night, as I tucked Geoff into bed, he became very upset and began crying. He said he never wanted to get tall. When I asked him why he replied, "Because if I get tall, I'll have to go to a dorm, too, without you!" Needless to say, we had a nice long talk after which he was able to laugh at his tears.
Will I be able to adopt again? Many parents assume that a disruption or dissolution in their families will prevent them from ever adopting again. This is not true! Adoption agencies approve adoption applications based on the outcome of the adoption homestudy or assessment. If the assessment shows that the disruption was necessary, that the parents acted responsibly, and that they are capable of providing a good home for another child, the application will be approved. Obviously, a family that has experienced more than one disruption will be more carefully scrutinized, but even then, it is important to remember that each case is considered individually. You cannot know if you will be approved or not until you try.
In many cases, surviving a disruption makes a family an even better candidate for a successful adoption on the next attempt. Why? Because this family has been through a painful process of self-examination. They know what they can handle and what they can't. They have experience and are better able to determine if they are the right match for any certain child.
Next page: What is wrongful adoption? previous |
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next More of this Feature •
INTRODUCTION •
BEFORE: Answers to First Questions •
DURING: The Process Glossary •
Adoption Disruption •
Adoption Dissolution •
Wrongful Adoption Related Resources •
Adoption Laws •
Positive Steps for Families in Crisis •
Subsidies/Assistance Payments © Rita Laws and Nancy Ashe. This copyrighted article may be printed for private family use and for one-time reproduction in the print newsletters of non-profit adoption support groups and non-profit agencies with appropriate credit to author and web site. This notice must remain with the printed copy. ALL other uses require written permission.
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Comments
My family went through a dissolution from China. We are having a hard time talking to anyone about adopting again. Has anyone adopted internationally or here in the US again after a disruption/dissolution?
Posted by: pumpkin35 at 07/30/2009 11:36 AM
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