When The Going Gets Tough
Adopting a Child with Attachment Challenges
"Adopted girl put up for sale on Internet"The 1999 headline was a shocker when it first appeared in the press, but it's much more than the story of a woman who reportedly called her adopted Russian daughter "a bargain," when she asked a Texas couple for $4,000 and transportation costs for the child from Colorado to Texas.
Unrealistic expectations
News reports state that 8-year old Elena was adopted from a Russian orphanage, where she had been living for several years. Her adoptive parents say the child has an attachment disorder that made her "difficult to handle."
For many, it is hard to understand why this should have been a surprise to her adoptive parents and why they were not prepared with a support system to help with the emotional adjustments.
Virginia Appel, director of the Adoption Alliance, a Colorado-based agency that works with foreign and domestic adoption, says,
There really is no child in an orphanage overseas, other than an infant, that is not going to have a problem from institutional abuse and neglect.
And there is substantial documentation that attachment disorder is one of the most common problems suffered by children coming out of Eastern European and Russian orphanages and care institutions. Attachment specialists advise pre-adoptive parents to ask the hard questions, and not to believe that "all the child needs is love." Attachment disorders can be very disruptive, and parents must have realistic expectations that they may not get their "fantasy child." The Center cites the lack of information and preparation as a major cause of adoption failure.
Jody Swarbrick is the adoptive mom of special needs children. She says that people
...fail to realize that (older) children do not come into the adoption system because they were living in the lap of luxury.
While adults will recover from a failed adoption, a child may suffer irreparable scars on top of those that already exist.
Failures
Adoption Failure
Not every child can find a home with every family. However, there are warning signals and steps to take when signs of disruption start to apppear. Unfortunately, many adoptive parents who disrupted or dissolved a child's placement did not ask for professional help soon enough.
But when an adoption is going wrong, an adoptive parent heading out to the Internet, with a price tag on the child, is not the solution!
A failure of individuals, a failure of systems
The Colorado woman says she did not think she was doing anything wrong, but a local law official is quoted as saying,
To her it was akin to selling a car: good body, fine engine, good tires. It was an attempt to recoup their ... investment.
Whatever happened to:
- adoption is about children?
- adoption is a legal commitment, a new and permanent bond?
- the adopted child is the "real" child of his or her adoptive parents, not a loan, not a commodity to be sold, traded, or exchanged as soon as things get tough?
- children do have their own personalities, strengths, weaknesses, and, yes... problems?
- relocating a child to another country, where his or her new family doesn't have a language and emotional support system in place to help with the adjustment and integration into their new home and environment will only add to the burden placed on the child?
- are not looking beyond the prospective parents' ability to pay;
- are not requiring adequate pre-adoption education and evaluation;
- are not providing accurate medical information;
- are not ensuring the child has the necessary support systems in place;
- and are not following up properly in order to provide the necessary guidance when an adoption appears to be failing.
Certainly adoption reform is needed, and education is needed... both topics for many a future discussion, but for now...
Has a child been failed?
Hopefully not. Arapahoe County Social Services have been able to assist Elena as a result of an outpouring of interest from families around the country.
The information is out there
The Web holds a treasury of information for anyone considering adoption, everything from clinical studies to support groups - at no cost - and easily accessible to an Internet-savvy person like the woman in this news story (who certainly knew enough to make email contact through an AOL message board with the couple in Texas). Some recommended reading:
- "What You Should Know Before You Adopt A Child," from the Attachment Center at Evergreen, gives pre-adoptive parents information and advice about being fully prepared and informed.
- Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption is a support group of families who have been-there-done-that, who reach out with their collective advice and assistance.
- A Russian Adoption Experience is a detailed account from an adoptive parent who has been through the process.
- "The Long-term Effects of Institutionalization on the Behavior of Children from Eastern Europe and The Former Soviet Union" - long title, but this research examines many of the problems experienced by children who come to their new families from orphanages or other care facilities.
- Russian Adoption Medical Services offers explanations of terms and medical reports, as well as a message board where physicians answer specific medical questions and concerns.
| Recommended Resources |
- Child and Youth Issues - Issues shared by many child and youth adoptees, sources for information and support, including an entire section on attachment disorder.
- International Adoption Resources - Links to the best Net locations for education about where to start, health issues, support, and children's rights.
- Russia Adoption Resources - Links to agencies, facilitators, professionals, articles, and adoptive parents
- Special Needs Adoption - Definitions, professional resources, support groups, financial resources
© Nancy S Ashe
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