Two Women and a Baby, Page 4

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Basic Steps and Suggestions

Research

Research what type of adoption is right for you. In Washington state, DSHS (Department of Social and Health Services) has been placing older special needs children for adoption with lesbian and gay couples for a long time, and has started placing infants as well. Independent and agency adoptions have been happening for a while also, although it can be hard to find agencies willing to place infants. If you are comfortable being closeted, your options are far broader. If you are in a couple, it is also more often an option (depending on where you live) for one partner to adopt, then the second partner to complete a second parent or stepparent adoption in a year or so. More places allow stepparent adoptions than two parent adoptions by lesbian and gay couples. The risk, of course, is that if something happens to the custodial parent in the interim the non-custodial parent's right to custody is very much at risk.

Want to adopt? Pregnant?
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A lot of information on the Internet states that two parents of the same gender cannot adopt at once, but I know it can be done in WA, OR, CA and MN (and now VT). Residents of WA or OR can finalize and adoption anywhere in the state, and this is likely true for other states. More liberal counties - around the Twin Cities, MN; Portland (Multnomah county), OR; Seattle, (King county), WA; and around the Bay Area of CA are good bets. Our understanding is that if either birthparent was a resident of another state, we could finalize the adoption in our state of residence, or that of either birth parent. So if you live in a conservative state, but either birthparent lives in a more liberal state, it is possible you could finalize an adoption in the birthparent(s)' state.

Know The Law

Check regarding laws in your state (and make sure your wills and other legal papers are up to date). A recent New York Times article (December 21, 2000) stated that the only states that specifically outlaw adoption by lesbians and gays are Florida, Mississippi and Utah. Arkansas does not allow lesbians and gay men to foster. The article also stated that 20 states have recognized second parent adoption with many other states granting them on a case by case situation. Second parent adoptions occur when one person is the biological parent of a child and the partner adopts that child without terminating the biological parent's parental rights. Or, when one partner adopts a child, then after that is final the other partner adopts the child as well through a second parent adoption.

Take Care Selecting an Agency

Check out agencies and Internet adoption boards (beware possible scams). If it is legal in your state, you can use agencies that are not in your area. I know the agency we used is based in Portland, and has other offices in Washington and Oregon but has placed infants in households (including lesbian and gay households) in other states and even overseas. There would be much greater expense and some logistical problems (especially with continued visitation with the birthfamily), but it can be done. There is also always the option of private adoption - as long as you are in a state where it is legal.

Don't Lose Hope

Hang onto your hope. The reasons expectant parents place their children with lesbian and gay households vary. Often, it feels hopeless that anyone would choose you over a heterosexual married couple, but it does happen and the reasons are as varied as the people involved. One male couple we know of was chosen because the birthmother felt that they would understand what it would feel like to be on the outside. She was living on the streets and often felt like an outsider. Some women who become pregnant as a result of abuse feel their children are safer with two women. Some families (like the one that chose us) have brothers / sisters / nieces / nephews / aunts / uncles who are lesbian and gay, and can see past labels to the people involved. Some families have had friends with lesbian or gay parents who they liked and trusted and will choose lesbian or gay parents for their child. There are so many reasons expectant parents choose different adoptive families and while it may take a little longer than it does for a more "traditional" family, it generally does happen eventually.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Leslie and her partner are the proud parents of a son.

Comments

Hello all of you wonderful, educated, BRAVE mommies!

After reading, what seems like hundreds of threads, I feel like you gals could be most resourceful. I will try to keep this short...notice I said, "try". (smile)

My partner's nephew has been ward of the state of CA since 8/2008. Prior to foster care, he bounced from place to place with his birth parents while they fostered their drug habits. He will be 2 this December. My partner's brother, the baby's father, is a complete a total loser. He has seven children, all in the system. For the last year, him and the baby's mother have been homeless, using drugs, and running from the law...and she's pregnant with his number EIGHT! I think they still have parental rights but because they have not made any attempt at contact, let alone reunification, those rights are quickly slipping away. On 9-30-09, there is a court date to determine any progress that the two of them have made in regard to "parenting" this child.

The child's maternal grandma has kept us abreast on this entire nightmare and when she informed us that the child would soon be up for adoption, we jumped at the chance. We are only 2 weeks into the process but I am very much a planner/organizer and I need to know what to expect so I can properly plan emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, domestically, etc.

So far...we have talked to the child's case worker 3 times. She comes off very flat and we both feel rushed off of the phone which makes us nervous because we want her to like us. She originally stated that she wanted him placed with us before the court date but today when I talked to her, she had no time frame on anything. Our paperwork should (fingers crossed!) arrive tomorrow and we will complete it and fax it back to her immediately. I am aware that home and psychological assessments, as well as criminal history checks need to be completed but how long should we expect that to take? Is there anything we can do to expedite the process? What else can we do, in general?

I worry about finances because my partner and I are both in education and coming off of the summer vacation, our funds are LOW. Considering that this will be (I think) a kinship adoption, is there any type of financial support available to us? I asked the case worker today if we would be responsible for the cost of the assessments, background checks, etc. and she said no. Since we will be adopting the child out of the state, will they cover all costs? Will we be eligible for the one time reimbursement from the state? I am assuming that we will be responsible for travel and lodging right?

I am still trying to locate a support group that is lesbian-friendly and in the meantime...I have NO ONE to turn to for counsel, advice, venting, etc.

This is where you are come in....I hope you have room for one new (hopeful) mommy!

Thank you in advance, for everything.

Posted by: redanley at 07/13/2009 06:50 PM

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