Two Women and a Baby, Page 3

Becoming Parents

We were in the pool of waiting adoptive parents for a year. The agency average when we entered was nine months. The birth family has told us we were chosen by them because we wanted quite a bit of ongoing contact and we seemed very committed to an open adoption (we signed a contract guaranteeing 6 visits a year - although it's working out to be more), we had a lot of animals (the birth family loves animals), and we were at least ½ Jewish (the birth father is Jewish). The lesbian issue was neither a plus nor a minus. We did address concerns about male role models (uncles, grandfathers, etc.), and that we live in a very liberal place that is likely to be fairly accepting of a child with two mothers at home. The family has a relative who is both adopted and lesbian so neither issue was totally new to them.

Our son was born on a Friday night. We were chosen by the birthparents and the birthmother's family to be the parents of our son on Saturday morning. We met the family and our son on Saturday afternoon and brought him home on Sunday afternoon. Our adoption was finalized just over five months later.
Generally our agency encourages the expectant parents who are choosing to place their children into adoption to choose and meet adoptive parents prior to the birth of the child. They do have placements like ours, however, where for some reason or another the agency is not contacted until after a child is born. We did not have a chance to meet the birth parents prior to placement, but have ongoing contact with a fairly large birth family now.

Dan Savage, who also, along with his partner, adopted through the same agency, wrote about his experience in the book "The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and Decided to Get Pregnant: An Adoption Story". They did meet and establish a relationship with the birthmother prior to the birth and placement of their son.

Support is Crucial

Support after adoption has been plentiful for us. We have been meeting with three other lesbian couples since we started trying to conceive (six years now) - all of whom have children now, one other of which is adopted. We provided a lot of support for each other as we all became parents and now provide parenting support. Both of our families are extremely supportive-and our son has been happily welcomed within our extended families. We are in contact and visit regularly with another lesbian couple who adopted an infant boy through the same agency four months after we adopted, and with whom we have a lot in common. The agency provides ongoing support - and I truly like the social worker we worked with there. Our neighborhood is extremely diverse and includes other lesbian families who have also adopted children. My partner, who is a stay-at-home mom, joined a Partners in Early Parenting Support (PEPS) group where our son is the only adopted and only child of lesbian parents. There has been a lot of support from the other members of that group. The law office where I worked came forth with an incredible amount of support - even while a few lawyers had a hard time with the whole situation. Generally, we are finding that if we are open and positive about our life, people are generally supportive of us - especially to our face.

© 2001, Leslie P.
All rights reserved

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