Two Women and a Baby, Page 3
Becoming Parents We were in the pool of waiting adoptive parents for a year. The agency average when we entered was nine months. The birth family has told us we were chosen by them because we wanted quite a bit of ongoing contact and we seemed very committed to an open adoption (we signed a contract guaranteeing 6 visits a year - although it's working out to be more), we had a lot of animals (the birth family loves animals), and we were at least ½ Jewish (the birth father is Jewish). The lesbian issue was neither a plus nor a minus. We did address concerns about male role models (uncles, grandfathers, etc.), and that we live in a very liberal place that is likely to be fairly accepting of a child with two mothers at home. The family has a relative who is both adopted and lesbian so neither issue was totally new to them.
Our son was born on a Friday night. We were chosen by the birthparents and the birthmother's family to be the parents of our son on Saturday morning. We met the family and our son on Saturday afternoon and brought him home on Sunday afternoon. Our adoption was finalized just over five months later.
Generally our agency encourages the expectant parents who are choosing to place their children into adoption to choose and meet adoptive parents prior to the birth of the child. They do have placements like ours, however, where for some reason or another the agency is not contacted until after a child is born. We did not have a chance to meet the birth parents prior to placement, but have ongoing contact with a fairly large birth family now.
Dan Savage, who also, along with his partner, adopted through the same agency, wrote about his experience in the book "The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and Decided to Get Pregnant: An Adoption Story". They did meet and establish a relationship with the birthmother prior to the birth and placement of their son.
Support is Crucial Support after adoption has been plentiful for us. We have been meeting with three other lesbian couples since we started trying to conceive (six years now) - all of whom have children now, one other of which is adopted. We provided a lot of support for each other as we all became parents and now provide parenting support. Both of our families are extremely supportive-and our son has been happily welcomed within our extended families. We are in contact and visit regularly with another lesbian couple who adopted an infant boy through the same agency four months after we adopted, and with whom we have a lot in common. The agency provides ongoing support - and I truly like the social worker we worked with there. Our neighborhood is extremely diverse and includes other lesbian families who have also adopted children. My partner, who is a stay-at-home mom, joined a
Partners in Early Parenting Support (PEPS) group where our son is the only adopted and only child of lesbian parents. There has been a lot of support from the other members of that group. The law office where I worked came forth with an incredible amount of support - even while a few lawyers had a hard time with the whole situation. Generally, we are finding that if we are open and positive about our life, people are generally supportive of us - especially to our face.
© 2001, Leslie P.
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Hello all of you wonderful, educated, BRAVE mommies!
After reading, what seems like hundreds of threads, I feel like you gals could be most resourceful. I will try to keep this short...notice I said, "try". (smile)
My partner's nephew has been ward of the state of CA since 8/2008. Prior to foster care, he bounced from place to place with his birth parents while they fostered their drug habits. He will be 2 this December. My partner's brother, the baby's father, is a complete a total loser. He has seven children, all in the system. For the last year, him and the baby's mother have been homeless, using drugs, and running from the law...and she's pregnant with his number EIGHT! I think they still have parental rights but because they have not made any attempt at contact, let alone reunification, those rights are quickly slipping away. On 9-30-09, there is a court date to determine any progress that the two of them have made in regard to "parenting" this child.
The child's maternal grandma has kept us abreast on this entire nightmare and when she informed us that the child would soon be up for adoption, we jumped at the chance. We are only 2 weeks into the process but I am very much a planner/organizer and I need to know what to expect so I can properly plan emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, domestically, etc.
So far...we have talked to the child's case worker 3 times. She comes off very flat and we both feel rushed off of the phone which makes us nervous because we want her to like us. She originally stated that she wanted him placed with us before the court date but today when I talked to her, she had no time frame on anything. Our paperwork should (fingers crossed!) arrive tomorrow and we will complete it and fax it back to her immediately. I am aware that home and psychological assessments, as well as criminal history checks need to be completed but how long should we expect that to take? Is there anything we can do to expedite the process? What else can we do, in general?
I worry about finances because my partner and I are both in education and coming off of the summer vacation, our funds are LOW. Considering that this will be (I think) a kinship adoption, is there any type of financial support available to us? I asked the case worker today if we would be responsible for the cost of the assessments, background checks, etc. and she said no. Since we will be adopting the child out of the state, will they cover all costs? Will we be eligible for the one time reimbursement from the state? I am assuming that we will be responsible for travel and lodging right?
I am still trying to locate a support group that is lesbian-friendly and in the meantime...I have NO ONE to turn to for counsel, advice, venting, etc.
This is where you are come in....I hope you have room for one new (hopeful) mommy!
Thank you in advance, for everything.
Posted by: redanley at 07/13/2009 06:50 PM
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