Two Women and a Baby, Page 2

Open Adoption?

We had planned on a semi-open adoption, which is all we had ever heard about before. This agency encourages contact before the birth, then ongoing contact forever after, generally including two to three visits a year. It took us a while to work through our fears and misconceptions about open adoptions.

While waiting to attend the orientation meeting at the agency, we read about, talked to others, and met parents involved in open adoptions. At the orientation we met both adoptive and birth parents and, by the end of that process, had turned full circle to where we not only wanted an open adoption but felt it was the best way to adopt.

The agency is fully supportive of all types of adoptive parents, including lesbian and gay couples. The agency's philosophy is to first help the expectant parents decide what they want through fairly intensive counseling. We were told that only one to two out of ten expectant parents decide to place but, because they have worked through so many issues prior to deciding to place and are sure about their decision, only one in ten placements is disrupted. The agency accepts all types of adoptive parents into their "pool" of waiting parents as long as the adoptive parents pass state requirements and are committed to openness before and after the adoption.

It is up to the expectant parents to choose with whom to place their child, and up to the adoptive parents to accept a placement. The bigger the diversity of the "pool," the more likely it is that expectant parents who are choosing to place a child will find a family that is right for them.

This felt right for a number of reasons. My partner and I could be out as a lesbian couple from the start. We wouldn't have to lie to the social worker, the parents, or the child, and we would be chosen for who we were. This also cut down the the "marketing" aspect that I find so difficult with many agencies and private adoptions. Because birth and adoptive families meet and generally get to know each other fairly well, there is less of a compulsion to gloss over parts of our lives and overly stress others. It's not that people out and out lie in other situations, but there can be lot of spin and marketing put into the pictures and letters and profiles of adoptive families. I wanted to be chosen for who we are.

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