Traditions - Welcoming New Babies - Birthparents - Open Adoption
Guest author Brenda Romanchik is the Director of Insight: Open Adoption Resources and Support, an organization dedicated to providing triad members, professionals and the general public with information on open adoption. She is also the author of "Birthparent Grief," "Being a Birthparent," "What is Open Adoption?," "Your Rights and Responsibilities," and "A Birthparent's Book of Memories." She lives in Royal Oak, MI with her husband and children, Katarina and Daniel. Her birthson, Matt, is 18 years old. She can be reached at: 721 Hawthorne, Royal Oak, MI 48067, phone: 248-543-0997. For Birthparents in Open Adoptions, There are Sure to be Questions
For many children, the addition of a new sibling is a time of tremendous adjustment. For the children of open adoption, the birth of full or half siblings through their birthparents is a time of adjustment as well.
Birthparents need to recognize that there are a variety of factors including age, temperament, and the status of your relationship that determine how a child will react to the new baby. Anticipation, concern about the birthmother's health, concerns about being replaced, anger toward the birthparents, curiosity, even sadness at not being part of the birth family at this important time are all emotions that your child may experience.
Adoptees, especially elementary school age, may start questioning the whys of their birthparents' decision to choose adoption forthem without fully being able to understand the circumstances surrounding that decision. They may experience feelings of abandonment or anger that their birthparent has chosen to parent this child and did not make this same decision for them. Be open to answering your child's questions, but be aware that not all children will be distressed about the new addition. Some may be so secure in your relationship with them that they may only be overjoyed at a new addition.
Or they may have concerns that surprise you. Younger children especially may wonder if your becoming a parent means that you are now ready to parent them and they will be coming to live with you. Still others may worry about the baby replacing them with other birth family members. My son Matthew was particularly concerned about how my father would react to my other children.For others, your pregnancy may bring up questions about what it was like for you while you were pregnant with them.
If there are any questions that you find really difficult, tell them that it is something you need to think about. Talk to their parents about the best way to answer those reallytough questions and then get back to the child as soon as possible.
However your child reacts to the news, they will need to be reassured of your love and commitment towards them. This is especially true if they are reacting in an angry or fearful manner. It is easy to want to take their words personally and feel hurt or guilty. What they will need from you the most is a clear understanding of the special place they have in your life.
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