The Language of Gifts

On an adoption listserve I am on, a friend of mine recently announced the arrival of her daughter. She was fortunate to be present for the birth, and wrote about the emotional moments she shared with the birth mother during the process. She went on to describe how she went to the birth mother's hospital room afterwards to tell her how much she meant to her and how happy and grateful she was for "the amazing gift" she had given her.

And with that simple choice of words, my friend found herself in the middle of an email uproar. Birth parents, adoptees and professionals couldn't type fast enough warning her (and all of us) never to think of a child as a gift from a birth parent to an adoptive parent.

"No one should place a child for adoption in order to make adoptive parents happy," wrote one adoption social worker. "I have seen birthparents go through with a placement because they do not want to let the adoptive parents down. They cannot revoke the gift they had promised to them."

"Don't place such an undue burden on your child," wrote an adult adoptee. "It is not the child's responsibility to fill empty spaces or provide anything to the adoptive parents, which is what gift can imply."

One birth mother wrote, "I did not place my child to make the adoptive parents happy. Nor did I feel I was giving my child to them. I placed him for adoption in order to give him a gift-a family that I could not provide."

My first reaction to this email rage was that these folks were getting a little too persnickety. Political correctness at its best, or worst, as it was. However, after reading so many different perspectives on the language of gifts, I have come to a different understanding of the meaning of the word and how an adopted person may perceive this analogy. Adoptive parenting is not the same as parenting biological children. We must learn to see things differently, from three points of view, not just one. And we must be sensitive about language and the effects it can have on our children. I never hesitate to correct someone when they refer to my biological child as my "real child" or ask me about my adopted daughter's "real mother." I remember when I heard Rosie O'Donnell's "you grew in the wrong tummy, but God fixed that" comment about her adopted son. I do not see that as a healthy way to talk about the adoption triad, and I would never tell my daughter that she was, in any way, a mistake. She grew in the right woman's tummy, it just wasn't mine.

A child is not a gift to give, although some parents may choose to give their child the gift of a better home. The difference is subtle, but important, as it keeps the focus of adoption on the child rather than either set of parents. Just as this simple poem reminds us:

I didn't give you the gift of life
But in my heart I know
The love I feel is as deep and real
As if it had been so.

For us to have found each other
Is like a dream come true
No I didn't give you the gift of life
Life gave me the gift of you.

(Author unknown)

[Ed. Note: The author of the poem is Jaime M. Frodyma.]
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Rebecca Gold is an adoptive mom and the author of "Till There Was You - An Adoption Expectancy Journal" (1998, Pineapple Press). You can write to her with questions and comments at RebGold@aol.com or visit her Web site at http://members.aol.com/pynappress.

© Rebecca Lyn Gold

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