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The Inner World of the Adopted Child

Part 1: Overview

In anticipation of a talk I was asked to do at a national adoption conference, I was looking through some of my client files. As a child psychologist specializing in the effects of divorce or adoption on children, I always do a thorough intake interview with parents before meeting with the child. I wanted to review some of these interviews to remind myself of what issues would be important for me to address to a group of prospective adoptive parents.

As I read through 10 years worth of interviews, I was struck by one particular similarity. In fact, this theme became so pronounced that I started writing down the variations in which it appeared. These were comments made to me by parents of adopted children, and they included:

• "Sometimes we just look at each other and ask what we got ourselves into?"
• "We knew this child would be different from us. But sometimes it seems we don't know him at all."
• "It's narrowed down to keeping our marriage or this child, but not both."
• "Every day I struggle with whether to give him back or not."
• "I've lost control of my house and life to this child."
• "Nothing I do or try seems like enough to help this child."
• "We wonder how much longer we can stay committed to these children."

It is important to keep in mind that these comments were said in the context of a broader interview and certainly the parents expanded on the benefits of having an adopted child. Be it that they adopted because of infertility, helping out an extended family member, aiding abandoned children, or wanting to be a parent - even though single - most parents express that adopting their child is a life-changing event, with numerous rewards.

What we fail to sometimes take into account - and what many agencies don't adequately prepare parents for - are the ways in which adopted children manifest with a variety of psychological characteristics that differ tremendously from other children. Sadly, many parents embark on the task of raising an adopted child ill prepared for understanding or coping with the behavioral manifestations of a child who often feels like a throwaway kid.

Today about one percent of children in the United States are adopted. According to one recent survey, 29 percent of adopted children come from abroad. Curiously, New Mexico has one of the highest per capita adoption rates in the country.

Adults wishing to adopt a child typically have to go through an intensive - sometimes grueling - series of procedures which may involve homestudies, adoption education, addressing cultural and language concerns, psychological evaluations, and background checks with employers, neighbors, and legal authorities. In addition, adoption can be an expensive prospect when one factors in fees from attorneys and adoption agencies, as well as the cost of air travel. Depending upon the family structure (e.g., couple, single, gay, younger, older, rural, suburban, etc.) and type of child desired (e.g., age, gender, availability to take a child with special needs, willingness to consider all countries, etc.), the time it takes to receive a child, once the process has started, can be anywhere from six months to two years.

It is not inevitable that every child who is adopted will present with behavior or emotional disturbance. Some children are simply more resilient than others are and they assimilate the reality of being adopted just fine. When we take a look at the variables that potentially affect the life of an adoptee, however, it is easy to see why raising an adopted child can end up involving much more than the parents ever anticipated or were prepared for.

Adopted children are over-represented in mental health and correctional facilities, compared to other groups. What I always find surprising is the lack of attention paid to the role adoption might have had in leading to the emotional or behavioral disturbance. As an example, Time magazine recently categorized the major risk factors associated with many of the children who have fired weapons at other kids. Whereas they listed the role divorce, abuse, and peer relations might have played in these children's lives, they failed to acknowledge that at least two of the eight children profiled were adopted.

© Christopher J. Alexander, Ph.D.
First published: The New Mexico Desert Exposure
Reprinted by permission
All rights reserved

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