The Inner World of the Adopted Child, Page 3

Part 3: Family Life

I tell every adoptive parent who contacts me that they can't approach raising their child in the way as parents raising a birth child. Rather, I tell them to conceptualize their role as 'therapeutic parent,' where every interaction - and its result - with their adopted child is deliberate and thoughtful. For example, when a parent punishes a birth child, the child rarely believes that the ultimate consequence will be parental abandonment. In the mind of the adopted child, however, parents leave. These children often believe that it is a matter of time before they are once again abandoned. If a parent fails to recognize this, relying instead on blind faith in their commitment to the child, they miss a vital life experience of the adopted child.

As anyone who has been dumped by a partner or spouse can tell you, being left by another person doesn't feel good. In addition, it leaves us feeling out of control of our lives. Issues of control are therefore paramount for adopted children. Many feel they have no control in their lives and thus they do whatever they can to get it. I've seen some adopted children who are so convinced they will be abandoned again that they purposely and brutally antagonize their family members. Their belief system becomes, "Yes, I will be abandoned. But at least this time I'll be in control, by causing it to happen."

Adopted children are also incredibly hypervigilant. Their survival depends upon it. Therefore, they cue into subtleties and an enormous amount of effort goes into anticipating the actions of others. This is what makes it difficult for parents, particularly those who are preoccupied or coping with other stressors in their lives. Slowly and deliberately, their child knows all their weaknesses and vulnerabilities. When the child feels threatened or out of control, he or she knows how to 'get' mom or dad. Only later do the parents realize the ways in which the child controls many aspects of family life, often solely determining through manipulative behavior whether they will all have a good day or a horrible day.

© Christopher J. Alexander, Ph.D.
First published: The New Mexico Desert Exposure
Reprinted by permission
All rights reserved

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