The Inner World of the Adopted Child, Page 2

Part 2: Child Development

A child's development is affected by numerous factors. Increasingly, we are recognizing the role genetics plays in subsequent growth, learning, behavior, and personality. Unfortunately, many adoptive parents have little, if any, information available to them about the adopted child's gene pool. One of the things we do know about adopted children is that many were born to parents with histories of impulsive behavior. Either because of age, substance abuse, or psychiatric disturbance, these parents engaged in actions that produced a child they were unable to care for. This is one of the reasons why Attention-Deficit-type behaviors are so prevalent in adopted children.

The other reality affecting adopted children is that many had their lives disrupted in an untimely way or at an awkward phase of their life. Though some children are earmarked for adoption before they are born, the majority are adopted after already having lived with birth or foster parents. Children, be it consciously or not, carry memories of any abuse, abandonment, chaos or trauma they may have witnessed or experienced before being adopted.

Children are born helpless and dependent. It is not until a child is approximately two years of age that he or she moves toward independence. Infants need to move away from their parents on their own time-line. They need to be afforded the chance to test and explore the world away from their parents on their own, retreating back to the safety of mom or dad when things get scary. If this process is disrupted, by divorce or adoption, between two and four years of age, the child learns it is not safe to individuate (because people leave or abandon you if you do), and often fail to develop trust in others. These are the children who typically grow up feeling anxious, resentful and angry.

Another major developmental factor affecting adopted children is the role of cognition. Children under age seven are very concrete in their thinking. That is, they are not able to conceptualize cause-and-effect relationships until mid-childhood. Whereas many adopted children know at a very young age they are adopted, often telling others their 'adoption story,' it is not until the child is seven or eight that the personal meaning of this sets in. When cause-and-effect thinking sets in, adopted children start to feel, on a whole different level, that they were given away. This is one of the reasons why most adopted children don't manifest with severe behavioral disturbance until second or third grade.

Finally, it is important to bear in mind that the inner world of the adopted child is one of ghosts. Whether they knew their birth family or not, adopted children inevitably carry real or imagined images of their mother, father, and siblings. In many respects, these ghosts dominate the adopted person's life, asking for loyalty and recognition. The adopted child, however, may feel he has to keep the ghosts secret, lest the adoptive family feels betrayed by their presence. Whereas the adoptive family may hold the opinion that the birth parents relinquished their chance to raise the child - and should therefore be out of the picture forever - the child still holds on to whatever threads of connection he can maintain with these people.

© Christopher J. Alexander, Ph.D.
First published: The New Mexico Desert Exposure
Reprinted by permission
All rights reserved

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