The Inner World of the Adopted Child, Page 2
Part 2: Child Development
A child's development is affected by numerous factors. Increasingly, we are recognizing the role genetics plays in subsequent growth, learning, behavior, and personality. Unfortunately, many adoptive parents have little, if any, information available to them about the adopted child's gene pool. One of the things we do know about adopted children is that many were born to parents with histories of impulsive behavior. Either because of age, substance abuse, or psychiatric disturbance, these parents engaged in actions that produced a child they were unable to care for. This is one of the reasons why Attention-Deficit-type behaviors are so prevalent in adopted children.
The other reality affecting adopted children is that many had their lives disrupted in an untimely way or at an awkward phase of their life. Though some children are earmarked for adoption before they are born, the majority are adopted after already having lived with birth or foster parents. Children, be it consciously or not, carry memories of any abuse, abandonment, chaos or trauma they may have witnessed or experienced before being adopted.
Children are born helpless and dependent. It is not until a child is approximately two years of age that he or she moves toward independence. Infants need to move away from their parents on their own time-line. They need to be afforded the chance to test and explore the world away from their parents on their own, retreating back to the safety of mom or dad when things get scary. If this process is disrupted, by divorce or adoption, between two and four years of age, the child learns it is not safe to individuate (because people leave or abandon you if you do), and often fail to develop trust in others. These are the children who typically grow up feeling anxious, resentful and angry.
Another major developmental factor affecting adopted children is the role of cognition. Children under age seven are very concrete in their thinking. That is, they are not able to conceptualize cause-and-effect relationships until mid-childhood. Whereas many adopted children know at a very young age they are adopted, often telling others their 'adoption story,' it is not until the child is seven or eight that the personal meaning of this sets in. When cause-and-effect thinking sets in, adopted children start to feel, on a whole different level, that they were given away. This is one of the reasons why most adopted children don't manifest with severe behavioral disturbance until second or third grade.
Finally, it is important to bear in mind that the inner world of the adopted child is one of ghosts. Whether they knew their birth family or not, adopted children inevitably carry real or imagined images of their mother, father, and siblings. In many respects, these ghosts dominate the adopted person's life, asking for loyalty and recognition. The adopted child, however, may feel he has to keep the ghosts secret, lest the adoptive family feels betrayed by their presence. Whereas the adoptive family may hold the opinion that the birth parents relinquished their chance to raise the child - and should therefore be out of the picture forever - the child still holds on to whatever threads of connection he can maintain with these people.
© Christopher J. Alexander, Ph.D.
First published: The New Mexico Desert Exposure
Reprinted by permission
All rights reserved
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Comments
This article is a great tool for prospective and present adoptive parents. It will help parents to understand why raising an adoptive child is different than raising a birth child. Adopted children sometimes have feelings that they cannot understand or even comprehend enough to talk about. If they experienced or saw abuse early in their life, they may not even realize that the feelings that they are feeling stem from it. Children carry around a lot of baggage in their subconscious and this article only serves to remind us of this fact. Keeping in mind that each child is different is key in dealing with any child, especially adopted children.
Posted by: culinary at 12/05/2005 06:54 PM
What a great testament to the support of friends (and the perserverance of parents!)! I can't even imagine what it would feel like to give a child up, and the fear it would instill in a first mother just not knowing how the child was being cared for, what he/she was experiencing, what was happening every day. Even if not the truth, I would imagine the "worst case scenario" would often take over and cause thoughts to occasionally spin out of control.
I think it's very important to remember that every parent makes mistakes -- adoptive or not. Certainly, even had a mother not made the decision to give her child to a loving family, she would've made different choices and probably come up with a list of different challenges. Parenting is a tough business, but with love, support, perseverance and communication, every type parent has the opportunity to raise healthy, good children even through all the challenges.
Posted by: astrophysics at 10/13/2005 09:50 AM
I also want to voice support for being honest about how challenging parenting is. I can hear the fear in the birthmother's reply, but I think it really is mostly fear talking.
Some time back, I thought my daughter might be beyond my ability to help her deal with her anger, and it was wearing on the whole family. Oddly enough, the solution was pretty simple -- her allergy medicine was not working, so she wasn't able to breathe through her nose, and so she was severely sleep deprived, even though she was in her bed 8 hours a day.
All that time, I had thought she had some horrible anger problem with deep psychological roots, but when I was too exhausted to try to hold it all together anymore, I took that one more step to email a circle of friends and ask for help, and that resulted in finding the solution, which was not psychologically complicated at all!
And if my reaching out for help had been met with shame, instead of thoughtful questions, I wouldn't be living with such a nice kid today.
Posted by: alchemy at 10/12/2005 10:59 AM
I'm sorry mama0418, but nowhere in Solomino's post did I see anything about "giving up" on her son. She simply said she was afraid it was "too late" for him. I think it was very brave of her to post genuine concerns about her ability as a parent. What parent, "birth" or "adoptive" or otherwise (!) hasn't at some point questioned his/her abilities as a parent? It's brave to ask for help and to truly embrace and admit the truth of a difficult situation.
This statement also REALLY disturbs me (way more than anything Solomino said), and I feel it has no place in this environment, which is supposed to support all aspects of the adoption world and process:
"You would not understand, no offense, you do not have the bond they way the natural parent does."
This shows little respect for and minimizes the awesome responsibility that adoptive parents take on when they decide to adopt, DO adopt and take on the amazing task of loving, nurturing and supporting a child. And what makes adoptive parents so special is that they, with every bone in their body, seek out and crave the opportunity to become parents; it is a conscious, well thought-out, planned and loving thing that is a choice from the very beginning. In no way does this diminish the importance of biological parents and the part they play in bringing children into the world, but it is not always a conscious choice for them to become parents, nor is it always possible for them to care for the children they produce. It is the adoptive parents that take on the responsibility and give these children the chance to thrive and be loved in the way they deserve. And I think, while the bond between biological parent and child is certainly much different than that between adoptive parent and child, it is certainly in no way greater or less. There are so many deep and wonderful components that come with adopting a child, nurturing a child and loving a child, particularly one that is not "biologically" connected; and regardless of whether a biological parent rethought the decision afterwards, when a child is adopted, that adoptive parent is there for every breath and moment of the child's life -- this bond cannot be denied, much as the bond between biological parent and child must not be denied. But, not all biological parents rethink their decision, and many are grateful for the rest of their lives knowing that someone else gave their beloved child the happy life that they knew they were, at the time, incapable of providing. Adoptive parents deserve the utmost respect, even when they reach out for help, just as biological parents deserve respect for making the difficult choice of gifting their children to parents that can give them the best life possible; asking for help and worrying about their children is not a sign of adoptive parents' shortcomings as parents, simply part of the challenging process of parenting in general and a sign of why they were chosen as parents in the first place
Solomino, I trust things will work out. You have done your best to love and to nurture your son, and you clearly have his best interests at heart. It seems that now you have identified and acknowledge some of the special challenges he is facing, you can now realize what you perceive to be your past "oversights" and move forward to get him on the right track. It's never too late ... for anyone! Your best bet, if you feel your resistance is down, is to accept the support and love of those around you and let them help you in every way possible. Even if you can find little things to remove some of the stress that is preventing you from focusing on your son and your family fully, I trust you will find your strength building and regain some focus.
Posted by: backslash at 10/10/2005 07:59 PM
I am so confused and scared by your statement. There are many couples and adoptive parents who all they ever wanted was a child to care for, there own. There are many birth mothers who wished they just would have spoke up and gotten there child back. I am a birthmother, who changed her mind. It is people like you who make me know why I did. How dare you give up on him. You never no matter how old your child is, what they have done, give up on them. You give up they give up. You would not understand, no offense, you do not have the bond they way the natural parent does. God bless you and your family.
Posted by: mama0418 at 10/08/2005 08:33 PM
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