Sound of Silence: Birthfathers

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In my reflections... on the sometimes confused world of relationships which adoption can create, I find a certain peacefulness in acknowledging that there is another man out there who [is] also my son's father. Maybe that's just because a club with two members is much more interesting than a club with only one. - Curt Rice, adoptive father
"Fathers and Son"

We know they're out there. Biological reality. But birthfathers are the most silent members of the adoption constellation. They rarely appear in our chat rooms, on our forums, in our publications, registries, and organizations. Do they care?

Community Members Have Their Say

Lynda, an adoptee, writes:

I have to tell you, my husband is a great father, he does not understand how men, or boys can just ignore children their father. But he says this only after being a father himself.

I can't help but wonder if he and I had a child, let's say, when I was sixteen, would he have been so highly moralistic? Would he have been the stand-up guy he claims to be? He claims he would have been, but I don't know.

THW4, from Holland, writes:

For a lot of guys unborn children do not exist, if nobody involves them in the birth process the child will not be really theirs.

ADOPTIVEMOMX, an adoptive mother, writes:

I can answer for both of my son's birthfathers: they both are pretending my sons don't exist. The first hid when it was time to sign away his rights and has never admitted paternity. The second at least met us and signed away his rights. But he never met our son.

MARI51, a birthmother, writes:

Many bdads of the 60s rode off into the sunset without a care in the world. I never told the bdad about my pregnancy until Liz was 18. He of course admitted that he knew from the beginning and had always felt guilt for not supporting me.

KILO, a birthmother, writes:

Perhaps the reason bfathers are so noticeably absent is more biological than emotional. We bmoms had a long-standing physical connection to our children, and we are genetically programmed -- some of us more than others -- to bond with our children, as they are programmed to bond with us. We had nine months, give or take, to form that bond, while the bfathers for the most part simply went on about their business of hunting and gathering and whatnot. (Mostly whatnot, from what I've witnessed.)

Mind you, I am NOT saying that finding bfathers is less important, or that the relationship with the father (if you will) cannot be as influential as that with the mother. But maybe our evolution just has not progressed as rapidly as our civilization.

Whatever. I honestly think that if my daughter had not found me, and through me her birthfather, he would never have considered searching for her, nor would the loss of her have been much of an issue for him. This is not because he is a callous person; for him, she was simply another episode in his youth that he had long since put aside. He didn't live with her for nearly a year as I did, and so she was never as real to him as she was to me.

DJW4, a young birthmother, writes:

My sons' bdad is not in the pic. I sincerely hope that he is never in the picture! For some this may sound cold and callous, however, my sons' bdad is the reason for the adoption. He was deathly abusive and is not a man that I would ever want around my children.

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