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Shame

1. Reunion Registries: For some, it may be registering with ISSR or another registry in hopes of being found. This can happen quickly, or not for years, or even never. However, if you decide to register, that can be the time to tell husband, children, parents and friends. That will alert them to the possibility of a son or daughter's return. It will begin the process in a gentle way.
   
   
2. Online Support Groups: Other mothers may want to join an anonymous on-line support group. The best ones are those run by mothers who've lost children to adoption themselves. I find that groups that include adoptive parents tend to focus on issues of adoptive parents and are seldom willing to sit with those of us who have lost our children to truly understand the pain and the results of separating mothers and children. I would absolutely counsel against contacting those run by adoption agencies because, however well-meaning, they have a conflict of interest. The Canadian Council of Natural Mothers runs a supportive email list for mothers and those outside Canada can join it. There are undoubtedly many American email lists run by mothers who've lost their children also.
   
   
3. Counseling: In seeking counseling, mothers who've lost children to adoption must be careful to ascertain that their counsellor understands adoption issues. Too often I have talked with mothers who've had counseling which denies the damage done by losing their child, or attempts to have them focus on the adoptive parents' joy in receiving their child. This is not helpful to resolving mothers' issues.
   
   
4. Local Support Groups: In many places, support groups of mothers have grown up as self-help groups to process their emotions and help them understand reunion dynamics. These groups are advertised in various ways. Again, it's important to be careful of those run by social workers or others with vested interests in supporting adoption.
   
   
5. Read: Ultimately there's also the option of reading about reunions and mothers' issues. Many books are available, and the best book I have found on this topic is "Birth Bond" by Gediman and Brown. It can be obtained often through public or university libraries. The Canadian Council of Natural Mothers has library of book reviews, including a review of this book, on their site. You can also find articles and information about joining their support list at that site. There are many sites on the Internet run by mothers describing their stories of loss and reunion. That's a very safe way to begin to think about what you might want to do. It allows you to reflect on what you want to do by seeing how other mothers have handled similar issues and situations.

© Sandra Falconer Pace