Shame
Five Steps to Get Started The first steps any of us take in this depend on who we are as people.
- Reunion Registries: For some, it may be registering with ISSR or another registry in hopes of being found. This can happen quickly, or not for years, or even never. However, if you decide to register, that can be the time to tell husband, children, parents and friends. That will alert them to the possibility of a son or daughter's return. It will begin the process in a gentle way.
- Online Support Groups: Other mothers may want to join an anonymous on-line support group. The best ones are those run by mothers who've lost children to adoption themselves. I find that groups that include adoptive parents tend to focus on issues of adoptive parents and are seldom willing to sit with those of us who have lost our children to truly understand the pain and the results of separating mothers and children. I would absolutely counsel against contacting those run by adoption agencies because, however well-meaning, they have a conflict of interest. The Canadian Council of Natural Mothers runs a supportive email list for mothers and those outside Canada can join it. There are undoubtedly many American email lists run by mothers who've lost their children also.
- Counseling: In seeking counseling, mothers who've lost children to adoption must be careful to ascertain that their counsellor understands adoption issues. Too often I have talked with mothers who've had counseling which denies the damage done by losing their child, or attempts to have them focus on the adoptive parents' joy in receiving their child. This is not helpful to resolving mothers' issues.
- Local Support Groups: In many places, support groups of mothers have grown up as self-help groups to process their emotions and help them understand reunion dynamics. These groups are advertised in various ways. Again, it's important to be careful of those run by social workers or others with vested interests in supporting adoption.
- Read: Ultimately there's also the option of reading about reunions and mothers' issues. Many books are available, and the best book I have found on this topic is "Birth Bond" by Gediman and Brown. It can be obtained often through public or university libraries. The Canadian Council of Natural Mothers has library of book reviews, including a review of this book, on their site. You can also find articles and information about joining their support list at that site. There are many sites on the Internet run by mothers describing their stories of loss and reunion. That's a very safe way to begin to think about what you might want to do. It allows you to reflect on what you want to do by seeing how other mothers have handled similar issues and situations.
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Comments
As a birthmother myself, the only shame that I feel is the shame that SOCIETY has placed on me. I did nothing shameful... sex out of wedlock... OK. Yes, shameful at 17 (and being a Catholic? a complete disgrace!), but having sex is human nature!
IMO, for the number of people out there that are having unprotected sex and NOT getting pregnant made me continuously ask the question (and I still do) "WHY ME, GOD?" But for some reason that I have yet to figure out, i was chosen to be a birthmother. :confused:
Posted by: jenng7 at 12/29/2005 12:39 PM
I feel every bit as empty and alone today as I did 25 years ago when I placed my son for adoption. I have a 9 year old daughter and an 11 year old son who are my whole reason for being on this Earth, but they do not fill the void in my heart for Joshua. A part of me died the day I relinquished him and I've never quite recovered from that. I was made to feel like a tramp all those years ago, and my pregnancy was a dirty little secret. To this day, my mother will not discuss this "thing" with me. It's as if it never happened. "Sweep it under the rug, dear, move on with your life" is what I was told by my mother and the social worker in 1980. No offer of counseling, no discussion of other options, don't talk about it and it will go away... Here I am, now for the last four years, seeking my son out in every website I can find. I feel like I have to read every single post ever written, in case one's from him... I signed away my "rights" 25 years ago, now I don't feel as if I have any "right" to find him. I loved him then, now I love him even more. I will see this to its end. Tammi
Posted by: Joshua'smom at 12/13/2005 12:00 PM
The shame that birthmothers feel is horrible. To think that 30 years down the road you will feel the same, if not more, shame than the day that you allowed your child to be adopted, is a by product of today's society. If we would all be honest with each other, many of the walls that have been built up about issues such as adoption, would be broken down and be easier to deal with and learn from. This woman should be commended for her choice to integrate her son into her life - no matter the cost. She released the shame for the benefits of loving her son and being loved by him!
Posted by: conservation at 11/29/2005 09:52 AM
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