Shame
It Means Change Tony's presence in my life has brought many, many changes. There are changes in how I think about myself: where I was the mother of a daughter only, now I am also the mother of a son. Between 40 and 60% of mothers who lose a child to adoption never have another child. These mothers must suddenly adjust to thinking of themselves as actual mothers. These are big changes. I think you have to be ready for the fact that your life will change with your now-adult child in it. Just understanding emotionally that Tony was an adult, with whom I had to build a relationship, rather than an infant who depended on my love, was a big thing to learn. You have to decide for yourself where your boundaries and expectations are. Because you're meeting an adult, you cannot decide what that relationship will be - it must be negotiated between the two of you.
When we were losing our children, we were told we would forget and could go on with our lives. Even today, young mothers are told that their pain will diminish over time. This fond lie turns out not to be true. Research and my personal experience show that the pain increases with time, rather than diminishing. Reunion brings the potential to heal, although it first brings us to recognizing the enormity of what we've lost. As we face our shame, we have the opportunity to reclaim our potential as women and as mothers.
Adoptive parents were also lied to - they were told that someone else's child could be 'as if their own.' This can't be true of course; these children will always have connections with their natural families. However, the lie means that adoptive parents often feel threatened by the presence of the natural family. Thus the adoptive parents' presence will always colour the relationship of the adoptee with his or her natural family. It's much like stepfamilies - there's always something to be negotiated.
Would I rather I had denied my son when he wanted to know me? Despite all the changes in my life, I would do again what I did almost eight years ago - I would accept him and all the changes into my life again. Knowing what I now know, I would rather I had searched or registered with a passive registry[/link] so that we could have been matched sooner. Hard as it has been to set aside the shame, I am a freer and better person without it. It didn't all change at once; I have been able to integrate the changes step by step, and at each step I have had some say. I have been able to integrate the girl I denied with the woman I have become. I can't know if that's the best decision for another mother, of course. I can only say that each step has been worth taking for me.
I am long past the need to share my story, to tell my story, in order to understand it for myself. Left to myself, I would as soon just go back to living my life. Now though, I tell my story as a political act. It was wrong to shame mothers in order to separate them from their children.
As more of us who lost our children talk about our lifelong pain, it will be easier for all of us to set aside the bonds of shame. It will become easier to let go the trauma and anguish. It will take longer for our circle to set aside grief unresolved through all the years our children are lost to us, longer than those who don't experience it can understand. Our feelings have been disrespected and underestimated for decades. As we resolve the grief, let go of the pain and reclaim lives unshadowed by shame, we can welcome our children with joy and lighter hearts.
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