Search & Respect in Intercountry Adoption
by Lizette Biel
I would like to preface these comments by acknowledging that I would like to have all information available on my child's birth parents for many reasons, including curiosity.
First and foremost is the responsibility, which we, as American citizens, honest individuals, aspiring parents, and in most cases, eager clients to our agencies undertake when we adopt internationally, to respect the country from which we choose to adopt.
Adoption is a monumentally taxing decision on the part of both adoptive parents and birth parents. The decision to allow international adoption is both heart wrenchingly complex and compassionate for all involved, including the governments of the countries which have agreed to allow international adoption. I know that I did not, orally or even in writing, agree to not pursue further information regarding my daughter's birth parents. However, after spending almost a month overseas during our adoption process, I quite clearly recognized the unspoken wish for me to refrain from doing so in an active manner. Having said this, I would like to add that my daughter may or may not feel likewise. This will be her choice, and I will support her in any decision she chooses.
I did attempt to gather any and all tidbits of information regarding her birth parents while I was in her country of Kazakhstan. I noticed in Russia, as well as several of the republics of the former USSR, that adoption is, culturally, a very private, even secretive, procedure. Many Eastern European children who are adopted in country are not told of their adoption until they are older. Even in these cases, outsiders (which are anyone who is not an immediate member of the family) are NOT told. In this culture, children who are not raised by their parents, but by outsiders, are considered "lesser than" by others in this society.
Sounds a little preposterous? Look at our society's views on adoption less than a quarter of a century ago. Look at our society's views and feelings toward "foster children". Additionally, imagine the societal and political implications, which these governments face by aiding international adoption.
The world becomes aware of their faltering economy, and they may be perceived as weak by other countries as well as their own people for being unable to care for their own. Do you think that America would advocate the mass intrusion of international adoptions? Children leaving our country in droves? Absolutely NOT!
For these reasons and more. Times change, but very slowly. I think that any attempt to thwart the wishes of these countries or to foster the attitude that "we won't allow THEM to tell us what to do with our children" or "they are just WRONG" is disrespectful and is tantamount to taking the "high road" as a means to have what we want, when we want it. I would like to say that I am grateful to the governments, which braved the murky waters of international adoption and therefore allowed me embrace motherhood. Are these governments perfect and totally trustworthy? Well, we are the greatest nation in the world, is ours?
I didn't adopt to "save" a child. I adopted because I had a place in my heart that only a child could fill with brightness and beauty. So, I don't feel that this government owes me anything for "helping them out". I, on the other hand, owe them a great deal; my respectful recognition of their differences, my compassionate tolerance for their faults, and my absolute adherence to all oral, written, and unspoken agreements and wishes to which I agreed when I asked to be allowed to take away one of their baby citizens and claim a child as my own.
Secondly, I would like to dispel the notion that these children are primarily available because of drunkenness, irresponsibility and/or undesirability. It is true that these are some of the factors, which can come into play in adoptive situations. However, on closer inspection I think that what you will find are hardworking, proud and sometimes desperate people attempting to live the best life that they can. I would also disagree that most of the birth parents are untalented, uneducated or uncaring. Some of these parents have perfected crafting skills, which have been lost in the west. Some birth parents are unmarried college students who because of their culture do not have the support needed to rear a child alone. Some birth parents are professional people who made unwise choices while still married and still some are wonderful people who continue to make love in a depressed economy with no birth control available and find that they cannot financially support one more mouth. Some children are there because certain medical conditions are not financially feasible for them and may be unacceptable in that society.
I live in an area which housed an ostracized "Leper Community" for many years. My dad has always said, "Hard times make for hard people". These are hard times in their economy and desperation can be a daily companion for many of them. I lived for less than a month in the best situation money could buy in their countries; complete with attorney, translator, chauffeur, plentiful food, suitable clothing, accommodating hosts and a great coordinator. Isn't that the way most of us visited in their countries? Yet, I have yet to hear anyone who wants to give up his or her lives and take up residence there.
The people there are no different from you or me or your neighbor down the street. Just like us, they get cold, feel hungry, ache for peace in their lives, strive for success, value education, love their family and wish for a cohesive government which they can believe in and rely on. Tonight, if you say a prayer, say one for them and their government and everyone else who helped all of us fulfill a dream in some way. May God bless them and keep them safe. Think very carefully before making unilateral judgments. Remember that "Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Words Can Rip the Very Heart In Me, Steal the Joy from My Step and Send a Flaming Arrow Through My Soul."
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What a great article to give a face and humanness to the parents of the children that are adopted internationally. This article helps us adoptive parents to realize that those parents are just like us, except without many of the comforts and opportunities that we take for granted. This should be a must read for any couple considering international adoption for them to gain a respect and admiration for these birthparents and their country that have allowed us to raise their children. We should be careful of the way that we speak of our adopted child's country, culture, and birthparents. All of this combines to create that child that we love so much!
Posted by: culinary at 12/05/2005 07:16 PM
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