Response to Reader Editorial
Response to Reader Editorial:
Self-Victimization by Birth MothersBBWhether this "article" is authentic or "bogus," it is clearly a biased, "unwilling-to-hear-anybody- else's-thoughts-on-the-subject" type of diatribe. It was meant to inflict pain and, perhaps, promote further prejudices against mothers who, like me, lost their child or children to adoption. Let's face it, first mothers tend to be seen in a negative light. We're thought of as easy and slutty, with a wrong-side-of-the-tracks type of mentality. There are many prejudices against us and we'll probably be fighting them for a long time to come.
Ms. Bogus seems devoid of sensitivity. There may be many reasons for that... I don't know. I can't know what her life has been like, so I cannot speak for her. Likewise, she does not know my experience, so she's last one I'd pick to speak for me. Ms. Bogus, I speak for myself here, you are wrong.
A very large percentage of first mothers have suffered from victimization for a very long time. We were forced to live a lie for years and years; some of us still live that lie. While coming out of the closet was a defining moment in my life, up until that happened, my emotions were kept bottled up, beyond my reach consciously. When I met my daughter for the first time, she was 30 years old. It was at this point that feelings related to the loss of my daughter began to bubble up inside me.
I had to experience many different emotions before I noticed that I was beginning to feel better about myself. And each first mom that begins to deal with her emotions honestly starts down a very slow road to recovery. We are all dealing with our own individual stages of grief. We all react uniquely. I know I went through a "pity me" period - and I stayed there for a long time. But I'm not there now. All it took for me to overcome my "woe is me" moment, was one instance of validation. I was amazed. Up to that time, no one ever acknowledged to me that my loss was real and how painful it must be for me.
There are many emotions inherent in adoption: loss, anger, pain, denial, guilt, to name a few. First mothers know all about these emotions. In order to recover from being a victim, one must recognize their victimization. Having those feelings validated is a way to do this. When one's child is taken by death, everyone rallies to the family's assistance... sympathy abounds. But, a mother who has lost a child to adoption is just forgotten pletely. Not another thought is given as to how she might be feeling over her loss.
There should always be compassion for another's feelings. We must judge less and try to understand more. How we feel individually about a particular issue does not insure an across-the-board like concurrence of opinions.
You cannot have cruel things done to you and avoid feeling victimized. It's all in how long you stay there.
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