Reflections of an Adult Adoptee, Page 3
Looking Forward She knows she will always need counseling, but she is also playing a proactive role in helping herself. She's not all the way there and even now, she backslides. At age 24, her son committed suicide without knowing - or perhaps not believing - that she would be there for him. She and her daughter are estranged and she has never seen her two grandsons. But she has accepted the fact that she has a problem, and she hopes that reaching out every day with a sensitivity to human frailties helps others to be more understanding and compassionate, as much as it helps her.
She's learning to hold onto and build on the small successes in relationship.
Attachment problems not only characterized by the externally destructive physical behavior we hear of when families are stressed to the point of breaking apart. She is attachment-affected and, while she hasn't exhibited all the
symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder, many of them have been with her for as long as she can remember. It began well before her adoption, as she's learned from her birthmother. Her life before adoption was anything but ideal, complete with scars that show and those that don't. But that was well over 50 years ago, and all concerned have come a long way since then. She has a wonderful support system as she takes each step, people who take an active role in therapy; who remain steadfast in their commitment; who support and encourage her in those endeavors that build self-esteem; who understand that she spends 18 hours a day on the Net writing for and talking to people with a desire to learn about adoption and the people who make up the adoption community.
Not a Victim Sound like she's being hard on herself? Well, why not? This is as honest as it gets. Does she see herself as a victim of adoption? Certainly not. Attachment problems are not by any means exclusive to adoptees and if anything, a stable home environment probably contributed a great deal toward her ability to cope as an adult.
Yes, this is about me My purpose in this rather brutal synopsis isn't to discourage, but rather to encourage. I place emphasis on patterns and behaviors from those young years because they have dogged me all my life - but I have many strengths, and I grow stronger every day. I have pursued several degrees, speak several languages, and function very well in a business environment. Yes, I still struggle with relationships as I continue to learn mitment and honesty. But I am learning and I continue to look forward.
Treatment options back in the 40s and 50s were available - perhaps not adoption-specific, but I suspect my parents were products of their times. They aren't alive and I can't ask, but I wonder if seeking counseling or other treatment would have served only to validate
their fears: fears that labels of the time applied to all connected to adoption might be true; fears that they were doing something wrong as parents, or fears that adoption had inherent "problems." Today, fortunately, things are much different.
My wish for us as a community is that we establish ongoing dialog. If this article has caught your attention at all, then it was worth the pain of looking back. Only when we talk
to each other do we become aware of issues, problems, concerns, strengths, and empowerment. We are all inevitably intertwined and we do
ourselves a major disservice when we talk and listen only to those with similar experience.
This glimpse into my life is offered merely as one person's life experience, written as much for its cathartic value to me as an encouragement to others who are working to overcome hurdles and challenges.
I encourage you to join us in our forums and chat rooms, or in other places around the Net and in your communities, wherever all voices are welcome, where debate and discussion without judgement and recrimination are encouraged, and where we can grow in our understanding.
© Nancy S Ashe
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Comments
Reading this was a bit eerie. I am an adoptee, I was adopted out early and never knew my birth parents. Through all my life I have always said that the only family that mattered was my adopted family, since they raised me. Only recently have I begun to look into adoption sites and I have been amazed at how many of my own personal issues are similar to other adoptees. I read this article and the author's life has been very similar to my own. I am 36 years old, I've never been able to cultivate a true honest relationship. I have used lies so often in my life and am constantly seeking acceptance. The real irony struck me towards the end. I decided to return to school last fall to study sociology. I share the same desire that the author has to help others. This is also a part of my own personal therapy. I read about the author's attempts to live and hope that my attempts can find the same contentedness.
Posted by: gothchef111 at 01/10/2009 08:19 PM
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