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Real People: Birth Mothers

Sinners or Saints?

Definition: As used in this article, a "birth mother" is a woman who has borne a child subsequently placed for adoption.

Special thanks to the women who have allowed me to share their joys and sorrows, pain and healing. [Note: some names have been changed.]

As a group, they've been called every imaginable euphemism for "women of loose morals." As a group, they've been feared as potential childnappers. As a group, they've been hidden behind a system of secrecy. As a group, they've been thanked in one breath and condemned in the next for the same act: placing/relinquishing their children for adoption.

As individuals, they're just like you and me: people who had choices made for them or who chose for themselves; people who have moved on and are living in the aftermath of those choices. Some are strong and secure, some are working on it, and some are trying hard to believe it never happened. Human reactions to human experience.

Now, meet six real people with experiences spanning six decades.

Ann	Vicki	Evelyn	Jean	Dani	Gina
1947	1966	1975	1981	1992	1996

Ann

Ann met Jack in 1945, in a bar where she worked as a waitress. Jack had just gotten orders for overseas duty and in a flurry of pledges of undying love, they married, consummated the marriage, and Jack shipped out. Nine months later, Ann gave birth to a baby girl. Jack ignored communication, stopped sending support, and Ann went back to work, leaving the baby with family members. In 1947, battling alcoholism and poverty, Ann approached Social Services to make adoption arrangements for her child.

Vicki

At 13, Vicki got pregnant. Her mother tried to force her to have an abortion but Vicki refused, threatening to kill herself. She was sent away to a home for unwed mothers. Her mother told her that if she told anyone of this "sin" and "shame," including the baby's father, she would no longer be part of her family. In 1966, when she was 14, Vicki gave birth to a baby boy.

Evelyn

High school in the 1970s. Grand passions and sexual experimentation. When Evelyn discovered she was pregnant at 16, she did consider abortion. In her words, "Because so many women had worked so hard to have it legalized, it seemed that allpregnant girls and women were almost obligated to consider it - 'for the movement.' I never seriously pondered it because I always thought it was a desperate solution for a desperate problem, andwhile I was not prepared to raise my baby, I was perfectly capable of carrying her to term." In 1975, Evelyn gave birth to a baby girl.

Jean

Jean was 12 years old when she was raped by her brother. Her brother was sent to live with one set of distant relatives, and Jean was sent to another. In 1981, two days before her 13th birthday, Jean gave birth to a baby boy.

Dani

In 1992, Dani found herself in a dangerous situation. Her partner had become increasingly abusive, threatening not only her health and safety, but also that of their two boys. She was not equipped to protect herself or her boys and she turned to Social Services for help. She agreed to place them for adoption. The boys were 3 and 4 years old, and had been affected by the abuse.

Gina

At the age of 20, Gina found herself alone, hiding from an abusive, alcoholic ex-boyfriend, and pregnant. She was deeply indenial about the pregnancy. She couldn't believe that it happened to her, and by the time she fully accepted it, the time for abortion had passed. She says, "By the time I accepted it, it was a little too late for that option. Otherwise I might well have had one." In 1996, Gina gave birth to a baby girl.

Why Adoption?

Save the child. For Ann, adoption was an act of desperation. She knew she wasn't able to care for her daughter, saw that arrangements she tried to make were not working out, and as options disappeared, adoption was her best chance to give her child a life she believed she could never offer on her own. She says, "I couldn't handle it, and I couldn't let her (daughter) be hurt by my family the way they hurt me." While Ann won't talk about specifics, her family experiences included incest, beatings, and neglect. Ann's daughter was placed in a closed adoption.

Lack of support. Vicki wanted desperately to keep her baby. An older sister had agreed to help raise the child until she (Vicki) was older but because she too was a minor, Vicki's mother had the final say. Vicki was never offered counseling, and never made aware of any social support systems that may have helped her keep the baby or recover from the trauma. Vicki was allowed to hold her son after his birth, and her fingers had to be pried from him, one at a time, when he was taken from her. Her son was placed in a closed adoption.

A better life. Aside from what she calls "the usual financial issues," Evelyn recognized a tradition of emotional and physical abuse that had been passed down through generations of mothers in her family, and she could not contemplate continuing that behavior with her child. There was no question in her mind that she was doing the right thing. The closed adoption was handled by a large agency.

Family pressure. Jean's family made all the arrangements. Jean was afraid, and certain that the pregnancy had been her fault. She didn't want to be pregnant, and didn't want a baby. She describes her pregnancy as "frightening, shameful, spent living in a daze of daydreams and fantasies." Her son was placed in a private closed adoption.

Safety. In Dani's situation, her overriding concern was the safety and well-being of her boys. Her own experiences in the abusive relationship had left her frightened and facing a court battle which would take its toll on her ability to earn a living, and on her emotional health. Her boys were placed in a closed adoption by her state Social Services adoption unit.

Best for everyone. Gina admits that placing her child for adoption was the hardest thing she's ever done, but she believes wholeheartedly that it has been the best possible choice. Gina was able to select the adoptive family, and has an on-going relationship with them in an open adoption.

Next page > Where are they now?



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© Nancy S Ashe

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