Real People: Birth Mothers - Page 2
Where are They Now?
AnnAnn did not search, but was receptive to contact when she was "found." Ann and her birth daughter met in person after 49 years in 1996. They have an ongoing relationship based, in part, on the genetic connection and, in part, on a growing friendship between two adults with much in common and a lifetime of separate experiences to share. Ann has started to talk more comfortably about her life in the 1940s, about her alcoholism (she's been dry for over 20 years), her lifestyle, and her choices. She is now involved in helping others search for birth family members.
VickiVicki's struggles with the trauma of coercion led her to the brink of suicide, and to years of anguish, grief, and guilt. When her birth son reached 18 she started to search, and found him 10 years later. Six years later, they are working on the relationship. She says, "I thought that everything would be fine. But it wasn't. He was OK with being found and having a relationship with me, but had wounds from the adoption too. He was and is hard to get close to. He can't express love much, even to his wife and kids." Vicki is an outspoken advocate for birth mothers, and devotes much of her time to educating others about past experiences so that they will not be allowed to happen again. Her motto: "Birth Mothers Never Forget."
EvelynEvelyn has always been open about her birth mother status, secure in the decision she made. At a time when search and reunion were almost unheard of, she insisted on placing a letter in the adoption file indicating that she would welcome contact. When her birth daughter's parents made efforts to open the adoption 16 years later, that information enabled their meeting and an ensuing relationship which, today, includes the entire birth and adoptive families.
JeanToday, Jean is 30 years old, and her birth son is 18. Jean is adamant about not wanting contact. She says that she would never be able to talk to him about the incest, and she "knows" that he would press her for information about his birth father. Jean is married and has no plans to have more children. Her husband knows nothing of the adoption.
DaniDani is a much stronger and healthier young woman. She has gone back to school and is working with Social Services helping others. Dani and the boys' adoptive mother, Jane, have opened the adoption and their recent reunion, 7 years later, was an enormous success. Not only have Dani and Jane become close friends, but Dani has been included in the family's life. The boys are 11 and 12.
GinaAfter the adoption, Gina got caught up in a period of unhealthy behavior. When a friend took her to a support group, she regained her balance and found a mission. Today, a Registered Nurse. She has been a member of a group that speaks at high schools and youth group meetings across her state, as part of the YWCA Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program. Gina credits the program with saving her life, showing her that even though she's not parenting, her destructive behavior was saying all the wrong things about who she is and what she believes.
Talking about open adoption, she says, "I feel very lucky to have such wonderful people raising my daughter. I feel lucky to be able to give my daughter the gift of her history and heritage, and to save her from the heartbreak of searching when she gets older. I don't have to wonder about how she is doing, what she looks like, or where she is. It has allowed me to move on with my own life, and given me greater insight into what is really important to me, and the kind of parent I want to be in the future."
- "Dear Birthmother : Thank You for Our Baby," by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin
Considered revolutionary in 1982 when it was written, this is the book that started talk about open adoption. Revised 1998. - "How To Open An Adoption," by Patricia Martinez Dorner
Practical guidance for birth and adoptive parents of minors seeking to open a closed adoption in the most beneficial manner for the children. - "Lost and Found : The Adoption Experience," by Betty Jean Lifton
A candid look at the entire adoption vista as experienced by each member of the family - adoptee, adoptive parent, birth parent. A no-holds-barred great book. - "Saying Goodbye to a Baby : Birthparents Guide to Loss and Grief in Adoption," by Patricia Roles
A candid view of grief and loss, search and reunion, guilt and anger through the eyes of a birthparent. - "The Dark Side of Adoption," by Mirah Riben
A courageous work, recommended for those who prefer the truth, even when it isn't pretty. A scathing condemnation of The System. - "The Other Mother," by Carol Schaefer
A birth mother's story of relinquishment and search, of social pressures, and of the shame and secrecy surrounding the author's own experience. - "Waiting To Forget," by Margaret Moorman
"Get over it and forget it," was the advice given to the author at 16 after pregnancy and relinquishment. 24 years later, she has not forgotten. Emotional, personal, angry, political.
| Resources From our Editor |
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© Nancy S Ashe
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