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Placing a Child for Adoption: Fear

A frank discussion with parents

What are women afraid of when they place their children for adoption?

Placing a child for adoption is almost always a traumatic decision even when there are compelling reasons to do so. For some, the decision is made with a reasonable amount of planning and thought; for others, it's a decision made in crisis. As we learned from talking with birthmothers, it's always life-altering and it's always accompanied by fear - fears that will not be realized or dispelled until the actual placement is made - and for some, not until long after.

Birthmothers with very different experiences shared their comments, and I have selected two (who have graciously allowed me to quote them directly) whose comments reflect the major points raised by all the women who shared these painful moments.

• Gina is a young birthmother who placed her daughter in a private, open adoption through an agency four years ago.
  
  
• Donnie voluntarily placed her boys when they were 3 and 4 years old through Social Services, at a time of severe emotional and physical crisis, to protect them from abusive treatment.

The First Fears

All the women we spoke with first talked about the fear that their children might not be surrounded by love, safety (no abuse), and acceptance as "family." They were afraid that their decisions to place might turn out to be the wrong ones for the children. This wasn't exclusive to the women who placed their newborns. Donnie, who knew she had to put her boys out of reach of a violent situation, couldn't bear the thought that the boys might not be totally wanted, loved, and accepted in an adoptive family.

Gina:
"Before the adoption, I had so many fears. Will my child be well taken care of? Will she be abused? Will she be loved? Will she be treated as a member of the family by the whole family?"

Donnie:
"I had so many fears... that the boys would be placed in an abusive family, a family without love, a family that only wanted to adopt for the subsidies (I was adoption illiterate!). I was afraid that they may be treated differently due to their race (they are mixed-race children)."

The Greatest Fears

While concerns about how their children would be treated and accepted were the first expressed, all the women had much deeper fears.

It was interesting to hear that all the women who placed their children at birth except one were very much afraid they might change their minds at the last minute and that they would disappoint and hurt the adopting parents, whether they knew them or not. This is probably the most commonly expressed fears of parents adopting infants.

Birthmothers who placed older children through Social Services voluntarily and involuntarily, were most afraid of how they would be perceived by others - especially their children - regarding their lifestyles (drugs, alcohol, abuse) and their love for their children... again, one of the most commonly expressed fears of parents adopting through foster care.

Gina:
"Will I still be able to keep to my decision after seeing her little hands, her tiny feet? Will I be able to let go of her after holding her in my arms? After marveling at this perfect being that I created, will I be able to let her call someone else 'Mommy'?"

Donnie:
"I would have to say my biggest fear was what would be said about me? Would I be looked at as a whore, a slut, a mother that didn't love her kids? Would I be an irresponsible woman who had babies and ran out on them? Would I be called a drunk, a druggie, or even an abuser? What would they say about me? Then came the worst... what would the boys think of me? Would they think I didn't love them, that I never cared, that when things got rough I walked out on them?"

Lessons For All

All chat sessions here at the site are open to all connected with adoption, and many adopting and adoptive parents who took part in these particular discussions were surprised to hear so many birthmothers' fears that were similar - if not identical - to their own.

Both Gina and Donnie are in open adoptions (Donnie's was recently opened) and admit to having what they agree is the worst nightmare of every birth parent in an open adoption: fear that the adoptive parents will cut off contact. But they also agree that part of their ongoing contact and relationship is the willingness to speak frankly and share their feelings with their children's parents (and vice-versa). Working through periodic bouts of insecurity and fear is just one part of the commitment they have made to their child(ren).

If you are an expectant parent, know that you are not alone in having these or similar fears. Whether your adoption plans are through an agency, attorney, or Social Services, you have a right to ask for and receive counseling. You also have both online and local options in support groups, and there are many fine private counselors with adoption experience. For more information, see resources for expectant parents.

More Resources for...

• Adopting Parents
• Adoptive Parents
• Birth Parents
• Expectant Parents
• Open Adoption

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