Our Daughter's Russian Family
Happiness, Gratitude, Relief
by Jean Zaniewski
zaniew@email.com
© 2000, 2001
Reprinted with permission
Jean, Ken, Eric, and Ilka Elena on a beach outing.
Our little girl, Ilka Elena, adopted at just under six months last July, had her first birthday last week. We didn't have a big party, just immediate family and my parents. I don't suppose a one year old really understands much about birthdays, and gifts were certainly not needed so close to Christmas but we did have a homemade cake with a big red candle.
Sitting in the dining room with the cake, we couldn't help smiling as Ilka kept toddling through, waving as she passed by on her circuits around the first floor of our house. A great imitator, when she saw her brother puffing at the candle, she tried her best to blow it out too. As I watched, my feelings, probably predictably enough, were happiness, gratitude, and relief.
Then I noticed my father who, at 80 and after a prostate cancer scare, lapses easily into the maudlin, crying. "What's the matter Dad?" I said sharply. He gasped out something like "Oh, she's so beautiful, you're so lucky... such good parents... but I feel so sorry - (unintelligible) - the other side! The other side!" There he goes relating everything back to himself again, talking about his death again, I thought, him being on "the other side" dead while we raise the family, I wish he'd stop that. A "knock it off" sort of reply to him flashed through my head, but I quashed it and felt good I did. I swear I've become more serene... well, less snappy..., since adopting.
Happiness, gratitude and relief are feelings that find you, sometimes long after, the time that you rightly made some sort of critical decision. The kind that you don't fully appreciate at the time how important it was. In our case, it was the decision to adopt late in 1999. Our son was almost three. More to the point, it had been a full year of grieving since the child after our son, a daughter, died within me when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant. After that, I finally "got over" enough fear (from ignorance or egocentric selfishness, mostly, I've since thought) and condescension ("oh, that's so nice of you to adopt someone else's mistake, but not for me," same reason, I'm ashamed to admit), about adoption to realize it was an answer. We wanted a child to love and become part of our family. It didn't have to be, it couldn't be, (but finally that didn't so important) our immediate genetic derivation.
We wanted a person. OK, we wanted a small baby person, reasonably healthy, and a girl if you please, and quickly! But the important thing was we realized the possibility of bringing any child home was a gift and an opportunity of parenthood, just as our son had been.
We were lucky. We started homestudy and INS application in Dec. '99, completed our dossier, with INS approval, by March, and received the referral. We adopted about a week after sending our dossier to the agency we chose. We traveled the day the baby was eligible to be "met" for foreign adoption, and returned to Russia two weeks later, July 5, to complete the adoption. We met kind and generous people, we did sightseeing, and we brought home a super, lovable, happy infant girl. Nothing was delayed, everything went like clockwork. There's not a day at home since that we haven't been happy with our decision.
And was it just a coincidence that we had a small pink granite marker with the name "Ellen Anne", our first daughter's name, carved on it, when we found out our baby's Russian name was "Elena"?
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Comments
This writer has a very "tourist" perspective. And the fact of the matter is that the adoptive parent ISN'T really like yourself. I can't think of many things that could be more different! This woman has no grasp on Russian culture or what life in Russia is actually like. She seems to be projecting American sentiment and democracy on a country that has never lived by the same rules, and I doubt ever will. She is living a fairy tale, and that is it. "greed does not seem to be part of the Russian psyche" so they aren't human then? I am sorry, but I have lived in Russia and Russians are just as manipulative and greedy as anyone from any other country is. Even living on a missions base I witnessed great Christian Russians manipulating the "rich Europeans" and "Americans" that came through weekly. Out of 5 Russians, 3 were given brand new laptops in a matter of 2 months! They totally played up the "poor Russian missionary" image when foreigners were around. But in other ways, they were awesome and were really good friends to me. I can say good and bad things about typical Americans too (part of which I just expressed about this author), but any realistic perspective on a culture will admit the good and the bad instead of denying them!
Posted by: biogirl81 at 01/23/2007 05:35 PM
We also have an international adoption. We adopted from Colombia. My wife is from there, and so it was easier. We always kept our daughter's birthmother's infomration, so Helen has been able to reach her. The angst we have is that Helen may want to bring her birthmother to the US, and there is little chance of her ever getting a visa to come, unless she comes as an illegal alien. Under Colombian law, and this is what the US consulate in Bogota will consider, the birthmother has relinquished her parental rights, and is no longer our daughter's lawful mother. Furthermore, the birthmother is very poor, has less than a 3rd grade education, has other children. Our daughter cannot get her birthmother a visa based on mother/daughter relationship, and the the poor woman would never qualify for even a temporary visa. We have enouraged out daughter to write to her birthmother, but how do we discourage her from trying to get woman a visa.
Posted by: yorkiedad at 01/22/2007 01:22 PM
This child is very lucky to have a family that cares so much about them finding out about their birth family and their country and culture. The rewards of this family reaching out to this mother are sure to be great in the long run. The openness that they have expressed to this birth mother who felt that she had no choice in Russia but to give up her child is just wonderful. I think it is very important to keep in mind that the birth mother is a person just like you and you need to respect her as such. This family should be commended for their love and appreciation that they have shown to this birth mother for giving them the greatest gift ever!
Posted by: jmrodg at 11/29/2005 01:26 PM
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