Our Daughter's Russian Family, Page 8
Postscript: Zhanna On March 7, 2001, I resent my letter and photos in Russian, using a translator living there (
see below). On March 25, 2001, I received a letter and photographs from Ilka's birth mother, Zhanna. We have since exchanged several sets of letters. I have asked if I can speak of our correspondence publicly, in the hope it might encourage others. "Yes" she says, and adds, "I am very thankful such a person as you exists."
Zhanna relinquished her baby only because of the poverty a broken marriage led to. She writes "If I had been able to provide for the child, if I had known that staying with me the child would be fed, dressed, I would never have left her." She writes "I dreamt of earning much money and taking her back from the baby home." But this dream stayed just a dream.
She writes "After I gave birth to her I cried a lot because it was so hard to leave my flesh in the maternity hospital. I just did not want to live." She "had an opportunity to see the baby but somehow I was afraid of it." She was allowed to name the baby, and that was a small comfort to her. She remembers signing the documents, but doesn't remember quite how. "I was in such a queer state, I wrote down what I was told to." She wasn't told the baby was taken to another city after birth, she wasn't told that a court proceeding took place.
Zhanna writes "Before you wrote to me I had not known how Lena felt, but I thought she was alive. I felt terrible being without her, and used to cry. I could not get rid of thoughts of her...I thought she was still in the baby home" (in her home city. In reality the baby was first in a city 60 miles distant, then with us in the United States.) When someone called from her old address and told her there was a letter for her from overseas, she went at ten o'clock at night to get it. She writes "I just could not wait, I wanted to read it and have a look at the pictures, and my hands were shaking when I took the letter."
She thinks the baby looks just like her father, the man she loved and hoped to marry. She says he is a man who is tall and humorous and loves to read books. She tells me she knew his mother well, that they took strolls together with her two children. That his mother used to be an accountant, that she sings very well, that she hoped her son would stay with Zhanna. But it did not happen.
Zhanna tells me she is trained as a tailor, and her brother now studies to be a psychologist. Her parents sound like decent, hard working people, who have taken her and her two children in after her marriage failed. Her mother was hospitalized for a stroke not long ago, though she has recovered now. I am glad for all of our sakes I found Zhanna now.
Zhanna sends me beautiful drawings of birds, insects, flowers. She tells me she draws such things at home for her children, so they may color. She asks so little of me, just the opportunity to write, to receive pictures and news of the little girl.
She tells me her family and her mother especially, send "much love" to the child, and our family. She gives me Lena's paternal grandmother's name and address, and thinks this singing, kind woman would like to correspond with me. She asks for so little, and thanks me again and again for writing.
I tell her that somehow, someway we will all meet. I tell her she can see this little girl as long as she wants. There will be no need to be afraid.
And I thank her, and send much love.
Contact information for translator:
Victor Sluczewski, Russian translations
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Comments
This writer has a very "tourist" perspective. And the fact of the matter is that the adoptive parent ISN'T really like yourself. I can't think of many things that could be more different! This woman has no grasp on Russian culture or what life in Russia is actually like. She seems to be projecting American sentiment and democracy on a country that has never lived by the same rules, and I doubt ever will. She is living a fairy tale, and that is it. "greed does not seem to be part of the Russian psyche" so they aren't human then? I am sorry, but I have lived in Russia and Russians are just as manipulative and greedy as anyone from any other country is. Even living on a missions base I witnessed great Christian Russians manipulating the "rich Europeans" and "Americans" that came through weekly. Out of 5 Russians, 3 were given brand new laptops in a matter of 2 months! They totally played up the "poor Russian missionary" image when foreigners were around. But in other ways, they were awesome and were really good friends to me. I can say good and bad things about typical Americans too (part of which I just expressed about this author), but any realistic perspective on a culture will admit the good and the bad instead of denying them!
Posted by: biogirl81 at 01/23/2007 05:35 PM
We also have an international adoption. We adopted from Colombia. My wife is from there, and so it was easier. We always kept our daughter's birthmother's infomration, so Helen has been able to reach her. The angst we have is that Helen may want to bring her birthmother to the US, and there is little chance of her ever getting a visa to come, unless she comes as an illegal alien. Under Colombian law, and this is what the US consulate in Bogota will consider, the birthmother has relinquished her parental rights, and is no longer our daughter's lawful mother. Furthermore, the birthmother is very poor, has less than a 3rd grade education, has other children. Our daughter cannot get her birthmother a visa based on mother/daughter relationship, and the the poor woman would never qualify for even a temporary visa. We have enouraged out daughter to write to her birthmother, but how do we discourage her from trying to get woman a visa.
Posted by: yorkiedad at 01/22/2007 01:22 PM
This child is very lucky to have a family that cares so much about them finding out about their birth family and their country and culture. The rewards of this family reaching out to this mother are sure to be great in the long run. The openness that they have expressed to this birth mother who felt that she had no choice in Russia but to give up her child is just wonderful. I think it is very important to keep in mind that the birth mother is a person just like you and you need to respect her as such. This family should be commended for their love and appreciation that they have shown to this birth mother for giving them the greatest gift ever!
Posted by: jmrodg at 11/29/2005 01:26 PM
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