Our Daughter's Russian Family, Page 7
My Decision to Make?Did I feel that trying to contact our daughter's birth relatives was a "decision that was hers and hers alone to make", something that should wait "until she is old enough to do it herself"? Absolutely not. For those who espouse this oft heard opinion, how do you reconcile it with having adopted the child and removing them from their country of birth? Weren't those important and personal decisions you made for the child? How about deciding what faith, or not, to raise the child in? Bringing the child up in a single parent household instead of a traditional mom and dad one? How about giving the child immunizations, or TB treatment, or not? How about choosing paid caregivers, or having a parent stay at home? Aren't a great many of the decisions we make as parents, without the child's full knowledge or consent, important? We do these things because we love them, because we believe it is in the child's best interest.
To me, facilitating my daughter's knowledge of, and possibly contact with, her birth relatives is the right thing to do. I read of so many troubled adoptions. Our local paper even advertises special summer camps for children with "adoption issues." It may be simplistic to think openness can ward off emotional problems. Yet, I'm convinced my daughter will be helped by knowing real details about her birth, who she looks like, who loved her first. I am not afraid of a birth family reunion. "For most of these adoptees, their self esteem improved and their relationship with their adoptive parents was strengthened as a result of the reunion." (
Medline abstract of a study "Reunions between adoptees and birth parents")
I had a Russian friend translate and write my letter out for me longhand, and address an envelope to the name and address from the court documents. Was it the true address? I think so, but I can't really know. I enclosed some color-copied photos of the four of us, a self-addressed international reply coupon, and sent it off registered mail. So far I have heard nothing back. But I hope.
* * * * * *
Ilka is one. The candle was blown out, and my dad was still sniffling. "Aww, dad" I said, "this is a happy occasion." And then he said, more clearly this time "Yes, you're so happy. And I'm happy for you. But I can't stop thinking about the other side. Somewhere on the other side is the other mommy crying on the little girl's birthday. She doesn't know what a beautiful girl she is. If she only knew." I was stunned. God bless him, I thought. "Gee Dad" I said, "I sent a letter and some pictures. I tried."
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Comments
This writer has a very "tourist" perspective. And the fact of the matter is that the adoptive parent ISN'T really like yourself. I can't think of many things that could be more different! This woman has no grasp on Russian culture or what life in Russia is actually like. She seems to be projecting American sentiment and democracy on a country that has never lived by the same rules, and I doubt ever will. She is living a fairy tale, and that is it. "greed does not seem to be part of the Russian psyche" so they aren't human then? I am sorry, but I have lived in Russia and Russians are just as manipulative and greedy as anyone from any other country is. Even living on a missions base I witnessed great Christian Russians manipulating the "rich Europeans" and "Americans" that came through weekly. Out of 5 Russians, 3 were given brand new laptops in a matter of 2 months! They totally played up the "poor Russian missionary" image when foreigners were around. But in other ways, they were awesome and were really good friends to me. I can say good and bad things about typical Americans too (part of which I just expressed about this author), but any realistic perspective on a culture will admit the good and the bad instead of denying them!
Posted by: biogirl81 at 01/23/2007 05:35 PM
We also have an international adoption. We adopted from Colombia. My wife is from there, and so it was easier. We always kept our daughter's birthmother's infomration, so Helen has been able to reach her. The angst we have is that Helen may want to bring her birthmother to the US, and there is little chance of her ever getting a visa to come, unless she comes as an illegal alien. Under Colombian law, and this is what the US consulate in Bogota will consider, the birthmother has relinquished her parental rights, and is no longer our daughter's lawful mother. Furthermore, the birthmother is very poor, has less than a 3rd grade education, has other children. Our daughter cannot get her birthmother a visa based on mother/daughter relationship, and the the poor woman would never qualify for even a temporary visa. We have enouraged out daughter to write to her birthmother, but how do we discourage her from trying to get woman a visa.
Posted by: yorkiedad at 01/22/2007 01:22 PM
This child is very lucky to have a family that cares so much about them finding out about their birth family and their country and culture. The rewards of this family reaching out to this mother are sure to be great in the long run. The openness that they have expressed to this birth mother who felt that she had no choice in Russia but to give up her child is just wonderful. I think it is very important to keep in mind that the birth mother is a person just like you and you need to respect her as such. This family should be commended for their love and appreciation that they have shown to this birth mother for giving them the greatest gift ever!
Posted by: jmrodg at 11/29/2005 01:26 PM
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