Our Daughter's Russian Family, Page 7

My Decision to Make?

Did I feel that trying to contact our daughter's birth relatives was a "decision that was hers and hers alone to make", something that should wait "until she is old enough to do it herself"? Absolutely not. For those who espouse this oft heard opinion, how do you reconcile it with having adopted the child and removing them from their country of birth? Weren't those important and personal decisions you made for the child? How about deciding what faith, or not, to raise the child in? Bringing the child up in a single parent household instead of a traditional mom and dad one? How about giving the child immunizations, or TB treatment, or not? How about choosing paid caregivers, or having a parent stay at home? Aren't a great many of the decisions we make as parents, without the child's full knowledge or consent, important? We do these things because we love them, because we believe it is in the child's best interest.

To me, facilitating my daughter's knowledge of, and possibly contact with, her birth relatives is the right thing to do. I read of so many troubled adoptions. Our local paper even advertises special summer camps for children with "adoption issues." It may be simplistic to think openness can ward off emotional problems. Yet, I'm convinced my daughter will be helped by knowing real details about her birth, who she looks like, who loved her first. I am not afraid of a birth family reunion. "For most of these adoptees, their self esteem improved and their relationship with their adoptive parents was strengthened as a result of the reunion." (Medline abstract of a study "Reunions between adoptees and birth parents")

I had a Russian friend translate and write my letter out for me longhand, and address an envelope to the name and address from the court documents. Was it the true address? I think so, but I can't really know. I enclosed some color-copied photos of the four of us, a self-addressed international reply coupon, and sent it off registered mail. So far I have heard nothing back. But I hope.

* * * * * *

Ilka is one. The candle was blown out, and my dad was still sniffling. "Aww, dad" I said, "this is a happy occasion." And then he said, more clearly this time "Yes, you're so happy. And I'm happy for you. But I can't stop thinking about the other side. Somewhere on the other side is the other mommy crying on the little girl's birthday. She doesn't know what a beautiful girl she is. If she only knew." I was stunned. God bless him, I thought. "Gee Dad" I said, "I sent a letter and some pictures. I tried."

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