Our Daughter's Russian Family, Page 6
My LetterBecause I am aware that Russian society's attitude toward adoption is much more secretive than ours, and giving up a child may be seen as shameful, I did not speak of adoption in my letter. I spoke instead of travelling in Russia last summer, and that I heard from a gentleman "our families might be related" and then going into some detail on mine and my husband's work, interests, health, and relatives, many of whom did emigrate from eastern Europe. A stranger intercepting the letter, or even a family member (though I can't believe any family member was unaware of the mom carrying a seven and a half pound baby to term, and staying several days in the hospital after birth) would not be able to tell I was giving information on a relinquished child and her family. What little I said about Ilka was just the year she was born and that she is a "blessing" to us.
My child, who was hers first, was a second reason. I believe information about her heritage is important both for physical and emotional reasons. I want her to be able to fill in that patient form that asks for family medical history in a doctor's office sometime, somewhere, for whatever preventative or diagnostic help that might afford her. I want her to know that the shape of her nose, or her sensitive skin came from her mom's side, or dad's or whatever. I want her to know what her parents' interests and talents are or were, and no amount of scrutiny of her by me will change my wish for her to be able to know that, or the value of that to her.
Maybe she will never want to know anything, and that's ok too, (though I'm sure I'll ruefully think "well, she really is different genetic stock than need-to-know-everything me.") The odds are, though, she will. The reality is most (best estimates seem to be over 80%) of adopted children do eventually search.
But most pertinent now, I want to be able to say, if and when she expresses what I'll see as a very natural and healthy interest in her heritage, including birth relatives, "Honey, I tried. I reached out in every way possible, and I did it right away, before people had time to move away or die or forget. I tried. I recognized what you're asking about is information that is precious and rightfully yours. It was my duty as your loving guardian, and adoptive mother, to seek for you what you were too young to seek yourself, and what would probably disappear if I waited til 'you were old enough to ask.'"
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Comments
This writer has a very "tourist" perspective. And the fact of the matter is that the adoptive parent ISN'T really like yourself. I can't think of many things that could be more different! This woman has no grasp on Russian culture or what life in Russia is actually like. She seems to be projecting American sentiment and democracy on a country that has never lived by the same rules, and I doubt ever will. She is living a fairy tale, and that is it. "greed does not seem to be part of the Russian psyche" so they aren't human then? I am sorry, but I have lived in Russia and Russians are just as manipulative and greedy as anyone from any other country is. Even living on a missions base I witnessed great Christian Russians manipulating the "rich Europeans" and "Americans" that came through weekly. Out of 5 Russians, 3 were given brand new laptops in a matter of 2 months! They totally played up the "poor Russian missionary" image when foreigners were around. But in other ways, they were awesome and were really good friends to me. I can say good and bad things about typical Americans too (part of which I just expressed about this author), but any realistic perspective on a culture will admit the good and the bad instead of denying them!
Posted by: biogirl81 at 01/23/2007 05:35 PM
We also have an international adoption. We adopted from Colombia. My wife is from there, and so it was easier. We always kept our daughter's birthmother's infomration, so Helen has been able to reach her. The angst we have is that Helen may want to bring her birthmother to the US, and there is little chance of her ever getting a visa to come, unless she comes as an illegal alien. Under Colombian law, and this is what the US consulate in Bogota will consider, the birthmother has relinquished her parental rights, and is no longer our daughter's lawful mother. Furthermore, the birthmother is very poor, has less than a 3rd grade education, has other children. Our daughter cannot get her birthmother a visa based on mother/daughter relationship, and the the poor woman would never qualify for even a temporary visa. We have enouraged out daughter to write to her birthmother, but how do we discourage her from trying to get woman a visa.
Posted by: yorkiedad at 01/22/2007 01:22 PM
This child is very lucky to have a family that cares so much about them finding out about their birth family and their country and culture. The rewards of this family reaching out to this mother are sure to be great in the long run. The openness that they have expressed to this birth mother who felt that she had no choice in Russia but to give up her child is just wonderful. I think it is very important to keep in mind that the birth mother is a person just like you and you need to respect her as such. This family should be commended for their love and appreciation that they have shown to this birth mother for giving them the greatest gift ever!
Posted by: jmrodg at 11/29/2005 01:26 PM
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