Our Daughter's Russian Family, Page 3

Measured and Methodical

I've been employed as a federal law enforcement agent for the past 18 years, so perhaps my approach to life and all its little surprises is a little more measured and methodical than some. I'm not claiming to be smarter, it's more like I know how dumb I can be, have been, if I assume anything can be proved without getting information from everyone and everything involved - to name a few: victims, suspects; witnesses with an interest, and what is their interest or bias? disinterested witnesses (who may be extremely suggestible in their human urge to help you, and it's so hard to get a statement without subtly influencing someone); and mute evidentiary witness like examined documents or fingerprints or videotapes, some of which are thankfully pretty conclusive, and some just pose further questions and doubts.

And that's just dealing with the people and things that were there. When you start getting into hearsay, it's been my experience you'll be led farther from, rather than closer to, the truth, or to an unrecognizably exaggerated or self promoting version (and again, the person you get a story from second or third hand, what motivates them?).
All the foregoing by way of explaining that when we went to Russia I made no judgment regarding the non-fitness of our child's birth parents. In fact, I felt certain I would be meeting no one who actually knew the parents or could actually tell me "the truth" about them or their circumstances. Finally, even if I were absolutely, unequivocally convinced our child's birth parents had done terrible things, I would try to understand why. Time and again, when something at work really "gets" to me (I mostly work fraud, but I have worked assaults, rapes, and child exploitation cases too) I have mentally fallen back on the old expression "Understand everything, forgive everything." Not to say society shouldn't be protected against criminal acts, but every person who acts criminally was once a bright eyed and innocent baby too. What derailed them?

Prior to travelling, I felt sure it was not illegal to seek information on our child's birthparents or to seek to leave information for them. Russian family code, Statute 139, clearly states any illegality of disclosure arises only when "against the wishes of the adoptive parents." Nor did I feel my personal, tactful efforts would in any way be immoral, unwise, or "apt to endanger adoptions for those who follow." I imagine media reports of disrupted adoptions, or people who blow off their agreed upon responsibility to do post placement reports would be a realistic "endangerment" to Russian adoption. But trying to get more information on your child's birth family I don't think even rises to a "so what?" on the radar screen. I also think that if more pregnant women considering relinquishing their child had some sort of real assurance the child would be loved and cared for after adoption, or if they knew of another woman or friend who had received some photos or respectful contact from adoptive parents - there would be more babies available for adoption, not fewer.

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