Our Daughter's Russian Family, Page 3
Measured and Methodical I've been employed as a federal law enforcement agent for the past 18 years, so perhaps my approach to life and all its little surprises is a little more measured and methodical than some. I'm not claiming to be smarter, it's more like I know how dumb I can be, have been, if I assume anything can be proved without getting information from everyone and everything involved - to name a few: victims, suspects; witnesses with an interest, and what is their interest or bias? disinterested witnesses (who may be extremely suggestible in their human urge to help you, and it's so hard to get a statement without subtly influencing someone); and mute evidentiary witness like examined documents or fingerprints or videotapes, some of which are thankfully pretty conclusive, and some just pose further questions and doubts.
And that's just dealing with the people and things that were there. When you start getting into hearsay, it's been my experience you'll be led farther from, rather than closer to, the truth, or to an unrecognizably exaggerated or self promoting version (and again, the person you get a story from second or third hand, what motivates them?).
All the foregoing by way of explaining that when we went to Russia I made no judgment regarding the non-fitness of our child's birth parents. In fact, I felt certain I would be meeting no one who actually knew the parents or could actually tell me "the truth" about them or their circumstances. Finally, even if I were absolutely, unequivocally convinced our child's birth parents had done terrible things, I would try to understand why. Time and again, when something at work really "gets" to me (I mostly work fraud, but I have worked assaults, rapes, and child exploitation cases too) I have mentally fallen back on the old expression "Understand everything, forgive everything." Not to say society shouldn't be protected against criminal acts, but every person who acts criminally was once a bright eyed and innocent baby too. What derailed them?
Prior to travelling, I felt sure it was not illegal to seek information on our child's birthparents or to seek to leave information for them. Russian family code, Statute 139, clearly states any illegality of disclosure arises only when "against the wishes of the adoptive parents." Nor did I feel my personal, tactful efforts would in any way be immoral, unwise, or "apt to endanger adoptions for those who follow." I imagine media reports of disrupted adoptions, or people who blow off their agreed upon responsibility to do post placement reports would be a realistic "endangerment" to Russian adoption. But trying to get more information on your child's birth family I don't think even rises to a "so what?" on the radar screen. I also think that if more pregnant women considering relinquishing their child had some sort of real assurance the child would be loved and cared for after adoption, or if they knew of another woman or friend who had received some photos or respectful contact from adoptive parents - there would be more babies available for adoption, not fewer.
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This writer has a very "tourist" perspective. And the fact of the matter is that the adoptive parent ISN'T really like yourself. I can't think of many things that could be more different! This woman has no grasp on Russian culture or what life in Russia is actually like. She seems to be projecting American sentiment and democracy on a country that has never lived by the same rules, and I doubt ever will. She is living a fairy tale, and that is it. "greed does not seem to be part of the Russian psyche" so they aren't human then? I am sorry, but I have lived in Russia and Russians are just as manipulative and greedy as anyone from any other country is. Even living on a missions base I witnessed great Christian Russians manipulating the "rich Europeans" and "Americans" that came through weekly. Out of 5 Russians, 3 were given brand new laptops in a matter of 2 months! They totally played up the "poor Russian missionary" image when foreigners were around. But in other ways, they were awesome and were really good friends to me. I can say good and bad things about typical Americans too (part of which I just expressed about this author), but any realistic perspective on a culture will admit the good and the bad instead of denying them!
Posted by: biogirl81 at 01/23/2007 05:35 PM
We also have an international adoption. We adopted from Colombia. My wife is from there, and so it was easier. We always kept our daughter's birthmother's infomration, so Helen has been able to reach her. The angst we have is that Helen may want to bring her birthmother to the US, and there is little chance of her ever getting a visa to come, unless she comes as an illegal alien. Under Colombian law, and this is what the US consulate in Bogota will consider, the birthmother has relinquished her parental rights, and is no longer our daughter's lawful mother. Furthermore, the birthmother is very poor, has less than a 3rd grade education, has other children. Our daughter cannot get her birthmother a visa based on mother/daughter relationship, and the the poor woman would never qualify for even a temporary visa. We have enouraged out daughter to write to her birthmother, but how do we discourage her from trying to get woman a visa.
Posted by: yorkiedad at 01/22/2007 01:22 PM
This child is very lucky to have a family that cares so much about them finding out about their birth family and their country and culture. The rewards of this family reaching out to this mother are sure to be great in the long run. The openness that they have expressed to this birth mother who felt that she had no choice in Russia but to give up her child is just wonderful. I think it is very important to keep in mind that the birth mother is a person just like you and you need to respect her as such. This family should be commended for their love and appreciation that they have shown to this birth mother for giving them the greatest gift ever!
Posted by: jmrodg at 11/29/2005 01:26 PM
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