Our Daughter's Russian Family, Page 2

Learning The Old Fashioned Way

Like anything else that I didn't know much about until personally involved, I've learned a lot. Geography, sure (how many people can point out say, Vladivostock, on a world map now who, before adoption, hadn't a clue? I was one), but more importantly, a sharp perception (and what rock was I living under before?) of the world's iniquities. How lucky I am to live in my rich and safe country! Adopting internationally brought home to me how fortunate I am. My "success" and my comfortable life comes more from chance (that I was born to a family and a place that could steadily offer me opportunity) than from making wise life decisions (certainly some of mine were extremely stupid and irresponsible, particularly in my young adulthood), or my hard work or intelligence.

As many thoughtful people have pointed out, life in Russia can be desperately poor. Even highly educated and extremely hard working people may be paid so little, or not be able to find a job, that they may have trouble feeding a family. I wish we had taken just cash, not gifts bought here, when we went to Russia because I think the money spent would have gone further there for things that were more needed. I've heard from one person that she brought $2,000 cash and bought in Russia what was really needed and wanted. This person commented "greed does not seem to be part of the Russian psyche," as she described the Russians' response when she asked what was needed. I appreciated this opinion, with its practical humanity, and its acknowledgment of a kind and generous spirit in the Russian people.

Bad, Scary Birth Parents

Around that same time, I read someone's response to a question about birth parents, on the Internet. This person cautioned about wicked and greedy relatives (Russians, I can only presume) who would certainly take advantage of you in any way possible, and asserted that horrible and hair raising stories of what happened when adoptive parents tried to contact relatives "were legend." (I believe he meant legion, although legend is probably the accurate characterization.) He ended with "Don't let anyone find out anything! Not even what state you live in!" I appreciated this post only in that it reminded me of what a range there is in people's opinions.

It seems to me that some people look for commonalties, particularly the good, between themselves and others. Conversely some people are convinced certain groups are by definition negatively "other," i.e. totally unlike oneself and thus easy to dislike or fear. The lack of understanding and the turning away from recognizing and looking for commonality between humans underlies, in my opinion (though certainly not an original thought), much of the wars and suffering of humankind. Although such fearful, negative feelings may arise from easy-to-label things such as race, social class, or national origin, there are also a whole range of perceived "other" behaviors which may be feared or pitied. Adoptive parents may be worried with good reason - or assume, with less reason, alleged behaviors such as "alcoholic," "abusive," "the kind of person who would give a child up," "promiscuous" and "irresponsible."

For Me and My Family

What I felt was important, or critical, for me, my family, and our adoptive child was that we: (a) not jump to conclusions or judgment, particularly on the basis of hearsay or assumption; (b) consider our adoptive child's birth parents as persons in many ways like ourselves, not "other;" (c) if possible, thank and reassure, in a private and tactful manner, our child's birth parents; and (d) gather as much information as possible about our child's birth family, and share this with our child in the most positive light possible as she becomes old enough to understand.

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