Our Daughter's Russian Family, Page 5
The Golden Rule I had left a camera, first trip, and requested through our coordinator that the caretakers take pictures of themselves and the baby's routine. On the second trip, the director handed it back to us. I don't think it had ever left her office, and not a picture was taken. I was able to give the young woman who brought Ilka up to us, the day we picked her up after court, a little "thank you" note in Russian. I included a line about being willing to host any caretaker who might visit to the US, and leaving an email address. The young woman read it and seemed happy and startled to the point of tears.
Later, back home, we registered Ilka with the Russian consulate. We dutifully made monthly post-placement reports to our agency and wondered what really became of them. (The Ministry of Education we were in seemed to have tattered and overloaded cardboard file boxes everywhere, including stacked in the bathroom. I wondered at the time if that was where all those apostilled dossier documents came to rest.)
I also, after a few months passed, and thinking through my decision carefully, wrote a letter to Ilka's birth mother. Why? The Golden Rule would be an easy reason. If I were Ilka's mother, I would want to know she was loved and cared for. I would also want to be thanked, and maybe, forgiven and reassured that what I did was not a terrible thing, regardless of what others in her society may have told her.
I felt compassion on a visceral level. Reading books (
"The Adoption Reader" by S. Wadia-Ellis and
"Waiting to Forget" by Margaret Moorman are both excellent) reinforced this. And, being a big fan of controlled studies and unbiased reports, I looked at Medline abstracts and university based research. Over and over, I read things confirming relinquishment of a child can "often lead to chronic, unrelieved grief" (
Medline abstract of study "Postadoptive reactions of the relinquishing mother"). I also read many conclusions along the line of: "When compared to parents in confidential adoptions, those in open adoptions demonstrated higher levels of acknowledgment of the adoption, empathy toward the birthparents and their child, a stronger sense of permanence in the relationship with their child as projected into the future, and less fear the birthmother might try to reclaim her child" (
Medline abstract of study "Adoptive family system dynamics").
Home
Comments
This writer has a very "tourist" perspective. And the fact of the matter is that the adoptive parent ISN'T really like yourself. I can't think of many things that could be more different! This woman has no grasp on Russian culture or what life in Russia is actually like. She seems to be projecting American sentiment and democracy on a country that has never lived by the same rules, and I doubt ever will. She is living a fairy tale, and that is it. "greed does not seem to be part of the Russian psyche" so they aren't human then? I am sorry, but I have lived in Russia and Russians are just as manipulative and greedy as anyone from any other country is. Even living on a missions base I witnessed great Christian Russians manipulating the "rich Europeans" and "Americans" that came through weekly. Out of 5 Russians, 3 were given brand new laptops in a matter of 2 months! They totally played up the "poor Russian missionary" image when foreigners were around. But in other ways, they were awesome and were really good friends to me. I can say good and bad things about typical Americans too (part of which I just expressed about this author), but any realistic perspective on a culture will admit the good and the bad instead of denying them!
Posted by: biogirl81 at 01/23/2007 05:35 PM
We also have an international adoption. We adopted from Colombia. My wife is from there, and so it was easier. We always kept our daughter's birthmother's infomration, so Helen has been able to reach her. The angst we have is that Helen may want to bring her birthmother to the US, and there is little chance of her ever getting a visa to come, unless she comes as an illegal alien. Under Colombian law, and this is what the US consulate in Bogota will consider, the birthmother has relinquished her parental rights, and is no longer our daughter's lawful mother. Furthermore, the birthmother is very poor, has less than a 3rd grade education, has other children. Our daughter cannot get her birthmother a visa based on mother/daughter relationship, and the the poor woman would never qualify for even a temporary visa. We have enouraged out daughter to write to her birthmother, but how do we discourage her from trying to get woman a visa.
Posted by: yorkiedad at 01/22/2007 01:22 PM
This child is very lucky to have a family that cares so much about them finding out about their birth family and their country and culture. The rewards of this family reaching out to this mother are sure to be great in the long run. The openness that they have expressed to this birth mother who felt that she had no choice in Russia but to give up her child is just wonderful. I think it is very important to keep in mind that the birth mother is a person just like you and you need to respect her as such. This family should be commended for their love and appreciation that they have shown to this birth mother for giving them the greatest gift ever!
Posted by: jmrodg at 11/29/2005 01:26 PM
View all comments (3)
Add Your Comments!
We want to know what you think. Your comments are important to us and the other readers. You are what makes this site special.