Our Daughter's Russian Family, Page 4
Precious Little In our case, I initially got what I considered precious little information on our baby's origins. Prior to travelling I only knew the mom's age, and that she relinquished the baby, noted to be her "second at term" at birth. I found a bit of information on the geographic area our baby was in, and was oddly pleased that the person who invented the television tube came from our baby's city, and that it was a university city, both of which made me think "intellectuals live there." I also reread the
Gulag Archipelago, which suddenly seemed more pertinent and horrifying and found out one of the worst Stalinist prisons had been in the same city.
At the same time, I had read many Internet posts asserting that most Russians consider adoptions best left secret. I also realized I would be meeting only those with a vested interest (i.e. deriving a living from adoption related services) in the adoption "status quo." Nevertheless, I composed and had translated into Russian a list of questions for our coordinator and the orphanage director, hoping for any information: "Who named the baby?" "What are her parents' occupations?" "Their education?" "Their physical description?" etc. When I gave this letter to our coordinator, as we first arrived at the orphanage, she read it with a slight frown and said "no one here really knows that" and mentioned the baby came from a hospital in a slightly distant city, which I knew, but I had hoped someone had written or communicated something to the baby home director. That wasn't the case.
When we returned two weeks later for court, I found out a little more. There were two older siblings, not one, and the parents' names and mother's address was on the documents. The mother was noted as "married, but separated." My heart went out to her even more! The thought of her struggling with supporting a little boy and a little girl, marriage on the rocks, and another little girl being born... what to do? For the sake of the older two children, she gave the new one up, I thought. What a heartbreaking decision! "There, but for the grace of God, go I," crossed my mind, not for the first time. I remembered the pain of giving up our child that died.
No One Will Find Out Who You AreAt the end of our court session, right after they said, with a smile that made me feel vaguely guilty and complicit "No one will be able to find out who you are," I asked our coordinator to ask how we could leave our information for a relative who might inquire. She didn't translate this, I don't think, just told me vaguely "Oh, all that would be done through the agency." (There was no mechanism to do this, as far as I can tell, through the agency or otherwise. I've since written our agency and requested that they facilitate some way to leave information, if desired, at the orphanage. At the least, I wanted them to be aware at least one of their clients - me - wanted this, and that maybe it might even be a positive marketing spin, if the option were available for others of my mind set.)
An Informed Decision?Studying the court documents later, I also wondered how "informed" our birth mother's decision was when she signed the relinquishment document. Did she have the right to be told when and in which court the adoption would take place? Did she have the right to communicate any thoughts or message? If she technically had any rights, was she encouraged or counseled by anyone about them? The court made a point of saying "no one had called or inquired" of the baby at the baby home, but that was in a different city than the birthplace. Did the mother or any relative even know where the baby was taken?
I can feel people muttering now, "Yeah, well she'd be singing a different tune if the mom showed up and she went home without a baby..." True, I wouldn't have liked it. But if so, I think we would have eventually adopted someone else just as lovable. And, maybe, the mom could have showed up and she would have seen/heard we were decent people and felt reassured and better about giving up such a beautiful baby. My point is that the desire for a smooth adoption and a wonderful baby should not supersede a birthmother's rights, whatever they are, under laws both of Russia and of human decency.
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Comments
This writer has a very "tourist" perspective. And the fact of the matter is that the adoptive parent ISN'T really like yourself. I can't think of many things that could be more different! This woman has no grasp on Russian culture or what life in Russia is actually like. She seems to be projecting American sentiment and democracy on a country that has never lived by the same rules, and I doubt ever will. She is living a fairy tale, and that is it. "greed does not seem to be part of the Russian psyche" so they aren't human then? I am sorry, but I have lived in Russia and Russians are just as manipulative and greedy as anyone from any other country is. Even living on a missions base I witnessed great Christian Russians manipulating the "rich Europeans" and "Americans" that came through weekly. Out of 5 Russians, 3 were given brand new laptops in a matter of 2 months! They totally played up the "poor Russian missionary" image when foreigners were around. But in other ways, they were awesome and were really good friends to me. I can say good and bad things about typical Americans too (part of which I just expressed about this author), but any realistic perspective on a culture will admit the good and the bad instead of denying them!
Posted by: biogirl81 at 01/23/2007 05:35 PM
We also have an international adoption. We adopted from Colombia. My wife is from there, and so it was easier. We always kept our daughter's birthmother's infomration, so Helen has been able to reach her. The angst we have is that Helen may want to bring her birthmother to the US, and there is little chance of her ever getting a visa to come, unless she comes as an illegal alien. Under Colombian law, and this is what the US consulate in Bogota will consider, the birthmother has relinquished her parental rights, and is no longer our daughter's lawful mother. Furthermore, the birthmother is very poor, has less than a 3rd grade education, has other children. Our daughter cannot get her birthmother a visa based on mother/daughter relationship, and the the poor woman would never qualify for even a temporary visa. We have enouraged out daughter to write to her birthmother, but how do we discourage her from trying to get woman a visa.
Posted by: yorkiedad at 01/22/2007 01:22 PM
This child is very lucky to have a family that cares so much about them finding out about their birth family and their country and culture. The rewards of this family reaching out to this mother are sure to be great in the long run. The openness that they have expressed to this birth mother who felt that she had no choice in Russia but to give up her child is just wonderful. I think it is very important to keep in mind that the birth mother is a person just like you and you need to respect her as such. This family should be commended for their love and appreciation that they have shown to this birth mother for giving them the greatest gift ever!
Posted by: jmrodg at 11/29/2005 01:26 PM
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