Open Adoption: A True Life Experience, Page 3
Since that first visit in November, we took our children to Disneyland to celebrate Timmy's fourth birthday. Both birthmothers joined us on this fun-filled family outing. The next day we had his birthday party at his birth grandmother's house. His entire family attended. We took the opportunity of being in Southern California to invite Candy's parents (Elizabeth's birth grandparents) and her brother and sister (uncle and aunt) to join us. They accepted hesitantly and nervously, but did join us, bringing presents for both children. Elizabeth has now met her entire birth family and has framed pictures of them all in her room. We feel as if we have given our daughter the gift of that part of herself that was missing . . the part that now makes her a whole person. We have always given her a loving family, but now she also has relatives like everybody else.
For us, parenting is about loving and nurturing our children unconditionally, whatever issues they face. As parents, we cannot predetermine our children's direction, but can only travel with them and offer them support along the way. As parents of adoptees, we must recognize that our children face internal issues that are difficult for those of us who were raised in our biological families to understand. For my husband and myself, the answer is to assure our children of their genetic and historical link between themselves and their birth families. This way they do not have a loss to grieve. There is no one missing from their lives. They will not feel abandoned nor rejected by their birth family, because they will grow up knowing and experiencing their love, as well as ours.
This kind of open adoption is not possible in all instances, nor is it necessarily advisable in every circumstance. Each adoption should be approached in a case-by-case manner, taking into consideration the needs of the adoptive family, as well as the birthparents and the personalities and preferences of all parties. In many "open" adoptions, contact is maintained on a correspondence basis, sometimes regular, sometimes sporadic and infrequent. There is no right or wrong way to approach an adoption as long as it is comfortable for the cooperating parties.
Nanci R. Worcester is a member of of the Academy of California Adoption Lawyers and the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Her practice is limited to adoption and may be reached at (800) 5ADOPT1.
© Nanci R Worcester
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