Not Just Like Me
by Judith Longman, RN My adopted children are not just like me. While we share the general culture of the United States middle class (California version), we have differences that need to be honored and respected. I cannot be the whole model for my children of how an adult life is lived.
- I am white - my children are African American, Mexican, Salvadoran, and Native American (with some mixture probably present in each of them).
- I am hard of hearing - my children are hearing, hard of hearing, deaf, CAPD (Central Auditory Processing Disorder), and hyperacusis (hypersensitivity to everday sounds).
- I learn academics easily - my children range from brighter than I am to PDD-NOS, with some specific learning disabilities thrown in.
- I am a Midwesterner, raised all my childhood in the Midwest, and transplanted to California as an adult by a corporate transfer 20 years ago - my children were born and raised thus far in California and are about to be transplanted to the Midwest.
- I was raised by my biological parents, knowing my genealogy for a dozen generations on both sides - mostly my children do not know anyone related to them by biology.
- I am a lesbian - I do not know whether my children will be gay, straight, bisexual or asexual.
So, what do I do about all these differences? When I first adopted black children, I was given scare stories about how I, as a white parent, would not be able to give them what they needed. As a hearing person (sort of), I was told I could not enter the Deaf World of my deaf daughter. As a non-adopted person, I cannot know the loss they feel of their original families. Nevertheless, this is the life we have to lead, and I believe that they are better off being my children than they would be if they were not. Now, I need to make that as complete and nurturing as possible. I need to be sure they have all they need, whether it comes from me or not.
I surround my family with people that I truly want to be with, who also share characteristics of my children that I do not have. We have adult friends who are black, who are deaf, who are straight, who were adopted. I want my children to know a variety of types of adults and to see that I respect and value the lives of those people. Community for us means many overlapping circles of people. There are places where they will belong and I will only ever be a guest, but I hope to have found them a guide for the journey where I am unfamiliar.
Black babies are cute - black teenagers can be scary. Who will they take to the prom, who will they marry? Deaf preschoolers are sweet and amusing - nonspeaking, limited English young adults unable to hold a job due to poor education are an embarrassment. Adoption across a cultural difference requires a new way of defining family and community, in order to provide adult role models for our children who are LIKE THEM, in whatever way we are not. A deaf adult that I know believed, growing up in hearing culture, that deaf children died before adulthood, because she had never seen a deaf adult. Another deaf adult thought she would become hearing, like all the adults she knew, since the only deaf people she had ever seen were children.
Please, for anyone who adopts, share your family and your children so they can have a fuller sense of who they are and that they are precious to you, just the way they are.
© Judith Longman, RN
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Comments
Wow! This article goes to show how small our world is. This woman has opened her home to children that are each different culturally, physically, and developmentally. She embraces that fact rather than lamenting how bad that she has it. I commend her for that. It is important for any children, whether adopted, birth, foster, or whatever, to be exposed to a wide variety of people. Everyone is different and for the world to be more accepting of these differences we must expose ourselves and our family to them. Loving and embracing difference is what makes a family strong and loving.
Posted by: culinary at 12/06/2005 06:08 AM
It strikes me often that we spend so much time thinking and worrying about giving children a home that will teach them the "right" values, teach them about where they come from culturally, racially, etc., that sometimes we ignore the benefits of placing children in the most loving home possible, regardless of if the race or cultural background of the family fits the child's. I see how giving a child the opportunity to have a stable and comfortable environment and one that teaches him a concept of "self" is the right thing to do, and that there are people that believe the only way to do this is to place a child in a home that fits their racial or cultural "profile." I think this article does an absolutely beautiful job of presenting the benefits of embracing diversity, and proves that love and development of a true sense of family and community is truly the foundation for raising a child -- everything else is secondary. This statement is what struck me most:
"I want my children to know a variety of types of adults and to see that I respect and value the lives of those people. Community for us means many overlapping circles of people. There are places where they will belong and I will only ever be a guest, but I hope to have found them a guide for the journey where I am unfamiliar. "
The whole world is "overlapping circles of people," and I would argue that the reason we often, as human beings, don't get along with one another is because we do not embrace this fact. The diversity of the world is not going to disappear, nor would the world be as exciting and interesting if it did! All we can do as parents is embrace it, acknowledge it, and be open-minded guides for our children as they discover what the world means to them for themselves. Everyone will be a "guest" at some point in life's journey, because we all have different backgrounds, personalities, strengths and weaknesses. The best thing we can do is represent the complexity of the world to our children in the best way possible and present them with the opportunity to know not only who they are, but who everyone else is too.
Posted by: bandstand at 10/17/2005 07:51 AM
This article needs to be read by anyone and everyone regarding adoption.
Each child comes with their own history which is a part of them, whether good or bad. We need to be the ones to help them move on,loving them no matter what, validating them as a unique person, helping them adjust to their new life and creating NEW history.
Posted by: darrc at 08/04/2005 03:01 PM
I love this article. I think she eloquently points out the many diverse elements that make up a family - in her case, some are related to adoption and foster care, while others can apply to almost any family, however it's formed. Thanks for highlighting this article!
Posted by: NSAshe at 08/04/2005 10:44 AM
We are all unique, and I really like the way Ms. Longman appreciates this in all her children.
It is necessary that in adopting or fostering a child, we learn to look past their physical differences or 'abnormalities'. Some of these children may never get to meet their biological family, and you may be all the family they will ever know. They need to feel loved and appreciated, despite the labels put upon them by the rest of the world.
Posted by: nappyroots at 08/04/2005 10:41 AM
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