Multiple Transitions, page 3
First of all, it would help a lot if you would start with one simple, clear commandment to yourself:
Never forget that I am watching. Never forget that every single thing you do matters immensely to me (even when I work like crazy to make you think that it does not). And I will remember.
You may be able to get away with treating me as if I am invisible for a while (perhaps long enough to "disrupt" me or move yourself to a different casework job). I was there, watching, I was having deep feelings about what was happening to me and I needed someone to act as if it mattered, hugely.
Second, don't imagine that I will ever stop yearning for my birthfamily (even though, as in other things, I will pretend otherwise). Help me find some way to keep a connection with them, even if I never see them again. Bring out pictures, or a Life Book and hold me while I rage or sob or stare, or all of these at once. And understand that none of this is a reflection on you.
Don't be surprised when I come back from a visit with them peeing my pants or throwing tantrums in the bath that night.
I told you: things matter to me. So I am going to have feelings about things that matter to me.
Third, it would help a lot if you would make the decisions that you need to make and stick with them.
Some days I think my mind is going to explode because I know something is going on in my life but I can't tell what it is; later I'll learn that there was a court hearing that day and everybody in my life was wrought up and then it was "continued" (whatever that means - except mostly that nothing is getting decided, and I still don't have a family).
I don't get to make the decisions. You do. So have the courage to make them. So that I can get a life.
Fourth, it would mean a lot to me if you would take good care of my foster family. They have their hands full. Sometimes they don't know what to do with me. So make sure someone is there to answer their questions, to encourage them, to help them understand me better. You won't like what will happen if I keep getting disrupted, and the only way I can think of to prevent that is to take extra good care of the people that are taking care of me.
So have I told you anything that you wanted to know? Have I helped you to understand how we feel - all of us kids who fell into the world of foster care and adoption?
I know it is a burden for you to think so carefully about me, and I know you might get a little nervous to realize that I am watching, and affected by all that you do.
But you won't be sorry if you take me seriously. Someday, see, I will be Big People.
GIVE THAT A THOUGHT.
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3 The video "Multiple Transitions: A Young Child's Point of View on Foster Care and Adoption" is available from The Infant-Parent Institute.
Recommended Books"A Child's Journey Through Placement" by Vera Fahlberg, M.D.
Nobody's Children: Abuse & Neglect, Foster Drift & the Adoption Alternative" by Elizabeth Bartholet
© Michael Trout
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Comments
What a "real" piece. I sat here and read it with tears in my eyes that a child should have to go through all of those feelings during some of their most formative years. Children deserve a place where they feel safe and secure. Many children do not know where they are going to be the next day because they have been moved around so much. Being a foster child really has to shape a child's life. To be shuttled from home to home destroy's a childs belief in adults and this may be why they turn into adults that are unable to trust. Just a few things to think about.
Posted by: congressional at 11/09/2005 02:18 PM
This is such a powerful piece, and it was amazing (and frightening) to read it, but I appreciate it so much because it's very honest. I think it's so hard for prospective adoptive parents or foster parents to grasp the complexity of these feelings, and to actually face the truth when it might be a little (or a lot!) frightening, and so often we don't have access to pieces like this that illuminate specific horror stories. Yet, it is surprising to me that some of the same people that don't think they can handle dealing with a child that will be so challenging (again, mostly based on how he was affected by his difficult past, and not because he is at the core "bad" or "evil") probably have no problem watching horror films or documentaries on serial killers or other violent criminals with fascination and sadness that perhaps someone could've changed this person's life if they had just parented in a loving way through all the challenges. Not that this is relevant, but it's so often the case that foster parents and prospective adoptive parents "give up" on a challenging child instead of providing him with love that will influence him and take him through his experience in foster care, hopefully decreasing the possibility that he will have a hard time growing up into a productive member of society and a loving spirit. Does foster care HAVE to break a child's spirit? Is it just the transitional element that makes a child struggle, or is it the way he is treated? I don't presume to know the answer, but I wonder what other people think.
Posted by: backslash at 11/09/2005 12:26 PM
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